The curious case of Butterfly94

[Butterfly94]

On the morning of Day 3 on refeed, I weighed myself only to discover that I had gained another 900g overnight! That meant I had gained a total of 1.3kgs over 2 days on refeed!

That set off alarm bells ringing in my head. Something certainly wasn't right.

You see, about 2 weeks prior to starting refeed, I had had a nasty deviation. So, my consultant told me that in order for my refeed to be effective, I had to be deviation free for at least 2 weeks.

Hence, I spent the next 2 weeks braving the hunger and sticking to the eating plan. I was told that I could have an extra fruit and 2 extra crackers if I became too hungry, so that I would not deviate.

So for EVERY DAY of those 2 weeks leading up to refeed, I allowed myself to have an extra fruit and 2 extra crackers so that I had enough energy to tide myself over schoolwork and everything else.

I stuck 100% to every other aspect of the EP and had absolutely no forbidden food.

So when I finally jumped onto refeed after those two weeks, and gained 1.3kg over just 2 days, I was mortified.

I immediately called my consultant for help. She told me that having the 1 extra fruit and 2 extra crackers everyday were in fact deviations.

So...for EVERY DAY of those two weeks that I THOUGHT I was being clean and 100% on EP, I was in fact deviating!

My consultant told me to go back 100% on the EP for another 3 weeks, and then try the refeed again.

My heart just sunk. I thought I had braved the hunger (which had become extreme and absolutely energy-sapping by then) for good, and was so happy with the little bit of extra but healthy food I was being allowed on refeed.

Now I have to go back to the original plan, which also means I have to go back to the extreme hunger, back to the mood swings, back to being irritable around family, and back to lacking energy to pull through the day!

It really scares me. I cannot explain how overwhelmed I am right now.

You see, Im not eager to complete the program so that I can go back to eating all the junk I was eating before. That defeats the purpose of going on Cohens in the first place. I am DONE with eating all that junk. The numerous binge/deviation sessions that I have had during my time on this program have taught me that I no longer enjoy those foods. Cohens has taught me to love clean, fresh foods and that is something that will stay with me for life.

However, I AM eager to finish this last leg of the program for one very simple reason-I'm hungry!

It sounds so trivial, but I really cannot explain how hard it is to be hungry AND have to go about daily tasks as per normal. I crave for everything in my way, not because I want to go back to eating junk, but because I am just hungry. SO hungry I could eat a table.

I always find myself at either one of these extremes: The Cohen's side of the spectrum where I'm starving OR the deviation side where I stuff my face with so much of junk that I feel sick beyond description.

I want to complete this program so that I can finally live the healthy middle ground between these two extremes: Having cohen-friendly foods but in larger quantities that will allow me to feel satisfied.

Well, well, no matter how much I rant here, the reality at the end of the day is this-I HAVE to go back on plan for another 3 weeks and brave whatever that comes along. NO extra fruit. NO extra crackers. 100% on plan.

And I don't know if Im being ambitious, but Im actually contemplating going back 100% on plan for 4 to 6 weeks instead of 3. If my hormones/balance set by the program is now out of whack/in a mess because of all these deviations, I want to be on the eating plan long enough to bring everything back under control again, to set the hormonal balance again and hence give my body the best chance at having a smooth refeed.

I am taking a 2-day hiatus (read: 2 days of deviations) from this whole program to collect myself and prepare myself for the many weeks of hungries ahead.

I would really appreciate any thoughts on my situation from my fellow cohenites out there.

How long is good enough to get your hormonal balance set by the program back in order after a deviation?

In what kinds of situations does refeed NOT work for you? Has anyone been in such a situation before?

I really really need your support. Its at times like these that I am so grateful to be a part of this forum.