Katrin's REFEED diary

[pandora]

Hi Katrin
I reckon its good to be ruthlessly honest with ourselves at this stage in the game, and if its a picnic bar at midnight as Anniem said, its gone now, own up and move on! All part of the re-learning process! I know if i do slip up at this crucial point, i.e. even one sip of wine or one mouthful of unauthorised food, i do plan to fess up on here as i owe it to myself to be honest. I know i am experimenting right now with how with 100% day after day AFTER deviation (as per my story last week), how long it actually takes for the scales to re-balance and start dropping. I know as per my diary entry today, i am amazed at how much the small deviaiton last week caused scales to go UP and then down again but such slow progress! A lesson i have learned a tad too late!

Still havent gotten the French book but it is on the shopping list! Did you get a reply yet from the clinic? I bet you are looking forward to the Perth get together this Saturday. We Adelaide girls, MOI, Anniem, DKMA and Damble (I think!) are all meeting for lunch next Monday. Woohoo! Daisy cant make it that day as she picks up her program, now that is definately a reason that takes precedence over us girls! It will be fab all round! Pandora

[kagiesen]

I've had such a lovely day today.

Breakfast: plain yogurt, love the stuff

then: one double espresso, one sweetener (learning to lesson from French Women: half your sugar, and then half it again, and again, so eventually you don't have any at all. Well, mathematically, 50% of something will always be something, but it dies get down to irrelevant portions quickly) PLUS half litre of Pellegrino (god, I love that mineral water, it tastes sooo good) in the sun, reading the sequel of French Women. Had two crackers, eaten very slowly, great taste!

then for lunch: 8 prawns marinated with garlic and balsamic vinegar, fried with 2 anchovies, 4 stalks of green asparagus with a drizzle of olive oil (French Woman inspired, I had it on the nicest plate, sat in the garden and didn't do anything but enjoy each spoon fully). I had chopped up a tiny nectarine, and then (I know, a deviation, but I don't care) A quarter (10gr) of Lindt dark chocolate, broken into 4 tiny pieces. I was looking forward to the dessert so much. Then I started the nectarine, and again following the French Women advice, at 50% of it, thought about whether I was satisfied, and realised I was (or maybe I wanted to move on to the chocolate?), so saved the second half. Then the first of the fingernail sized pieces of chocolate, first inhaled the rich scent, then just let it sit in my mouth, took about 2 mins to completely dissolve. Good aftertaste. Checked if I was satisfied, and again, I was. So only had 2.5 gr of chocolate and it was worth every morsel!

Then: another double espresso in the sun, reading my book, followed by a double caffeine free espresso (god, am I replacing one habit with another? Just love espresso now, didn't think I could EVER drink anything but skinny lattes)

Got home, one cracker, eaten very slowly.

Dinner: with the 120 gr tuna, I bough fresh Dill and white asparagus (very European, we don't have the green one, the white is more subtle, I love it). Another 1.5 to go, if I get hungry before, I'll have the other half nectarine.

Up to 3 liters of water, so doing really well and feeling great. Also, despite no loss on scalse, it seems that I have re-shaped my tummy so I felt very thin today.
So interesting to see what I'll weigh tomorrow.

Cheers

Katrin

[cait]

Hi Katrin,
wow, your day sounded lovely. luxurious. indulgent... and deserved.
especially the food bits!
are anchovies on your program? i ladore them but thought they were off limits.
and i know what you mean about Pellegrino - i LOVE it!
i order sparkling mineral water when i go out, just to feel special.
look forward to hear how the scales measure up - funny your tummy reshaped itself overnight.
hope your day today is as fulfilling.

[kagiesen]

Good morning all!

Cait, they are not, and whilst I usually if I deviate deviate knowingly, I didn't with the anchovies. Glad it was only one small one, but I guess the prawns would have been nice without them as well. Thanks for pointing that out.

However, I'm quite disappointed with myself. After that gorgeous dinner, I still felt hungry. I thought that I could' not possibly be hungry because I reckon 115 fish, 5 stalks asparagus, 2 crackers, 1/5 nectarine and 7.5 gr chocolate should not leave me hungry. In particular not immediately after the meal or 30 mins after it. So all night I struggled with that feeling, culminating in me eating 4 extra crackers, 10 grams of plain tuna. Then I felt vaguely 'full', or not hungry anymore. But seriously, I don't think it can be hunger, as the body surely doesn't need re-fueling within 30 mins after a nice protein based meal? I don't know how that happened.

And as if that wasn't bad enough, I again had difficulties sleeping, and at midnight, succumbed to a Boost bar, yuck. All the stuff I find too easy to completely ignore during the day. If I don't get this night eating sorted, I'm stuffed. I was not hungry at all (after the additional food after dinner), I kind of like and kind of don't like Boost bars, I really think - during the day - the taste is rather mediocre low quality chocolate. Nothing compared to the joy I get from a tiny piece of Lindt, but that's not what it is about at night, joy. So even replacing having a whole Boost with having a tiny bit of Lindt would not work cos something inside tells me: I want to eat that Boost Bar.

I really don't know what to do. One reason for not sleeping well (I have always been a very light sleeper, need ear plugs and eye shades to even sleep, and before I met my husband I had really never been willing to share a bed. My previous partners would be allowed in once in a while (I never lived with one, or if I did, we'd have a room to ourselves, each with a Queen bed, and 'sleep over' once in a while. I know, not very romantic, but if you can't sleep, you get over being romantic. Anyway, now we've got 2 bedrooms, but my husband's son is with us each other month. So the 2nd bedroom is his. When he's not there, we do sleep apart often, as we both sleep better. But now he's back here, so my husband and I share the bed, and since then sleep has gone out of the window. Every time he turns, I wake up. We've got separate doonas, so that's not the problem. So when I sleep well, I don't struggle with chocolate at night, and if I don't sleep well, I struggle. So since Monday, I've been struggling to not eat at night.

It is learned behaviour from when I had real difficulties sleeping as a teenager. eating loads of sweet carbs soothed me, and I fell asleep. I know I need to and can unlearn this pattern, but so far nothing has helped. I have discussed it over and over with a counselor, maybe I could use hypnosis? I'll have to talk to her about that option next time I see her. Maybe also get checked out in a sleep lab?

So the problem is not the Boost Bar this night, it's the bad sleep, and I need to solve that if I ever want to maintain my weight. All other tips only ever deal with the day, and during the day I'm fine and do not feel deprived, I enjoy good quality food and smallish serves.

And still a drop on the scales, 60.2, which doesn't really pacify me.

I am cutting out all caffeine from today. Only de-caf coffees, and I'll start to cut the quantities down, too. Might help with the sleeping, too. I might be fooling myslef into thinking that I just love coffee, dunno. I have always maintained that if I had to choose between never ever having coffee again or chocolate, I'd choose chocolate, cos I can't imagine a life without coffee. And decaf doesn't taste quite as nice. Those may be misconceptions, like I also fooled myself into thinking that I enjoyed smoking (when I smoked, I was only ever a social smoker, so I thought: this one cigarette after dinner etc I don't want to and cannot give up. But after Alan Carr's book on smoking, I quickly learned that that was a misconception.. Now reading his book on food, and caffeine/coffee he reckons is poison and should not be consumed at all. Maybe by the end of the book I'm convinced. Worked fine with smoking, never looked back.

Another day, another try to day deviation free. So will take it one meal at a time, with the plan for only de-caf coffee and no chcocolate, not even 2.5 gr.

Hope to not have a heart attack on the scales tomorrow, it must show up at some stage.

Anyone got similar problems at night?

Cheers

Katrin

[pandora]

Good morning Katrin!
I had just finished reading yr diary from last night and was about to reply when the forum wizard alerted me to yr today post so i will talk about both!

Nope, i dont have a problem sleeping. I used to when my hubby travelled to U.S. 4 times a year for 11 years (just stopped that) i wld find myself scared home alone with my daughter. We live on 10 acres in the country so no one nearby AND we dont even have an alarm! So, i am not proud of it but that is when i started drinking wine more, just a glass or two each night to help me sleep and take away my fear! Did that every night for the 2 weeks except if i had my sister stay over. Never talked to my hubby about it cos i thought he'd think i was pathetic, and i also think i had undiagnosed post natal depression and he would have told me to give myself a shake or something! Of course when he was home i didnt have wine every night just when he travelled. I do however sometimes "need space" and find myself alone in the spare room so understand how that feels!

I have always been proud to tell anyone who will listen that strong coffee helps me sleep! Not any more! Those double expresso's yr having, all that caffeine will affect yr sleep cycle. And yr choc at midnight also has caffeine in it, that is one of the reasons (as well as sugar!!!!) why choc is so addictive! As for the hypnotist, try it but only you know what is really going on for YOU! Somehow YOU are keeping YOU awake!

Back to yr choc, read the new thread somewhere on here started a couple of days ago called INSULIN - wait a minute, you replied to that one so you know this stuff! Could it be that the chocolate (sugar and caffeine hit) is what caused the hunger?

Hope you dont think i am sounding like a meany, but you told me you like strong coaching and trust me the coaching can get a whole lot stronger if you like!

Now that was a reply to today. Here is my response to yesterday! Wow, lying in the sun, sipping Pellegrino (? never tried it but i'm getting me some!) reading the French Girls bk (getting that tomorrow!) sounds fabulous and luxurious. You've got us all thinking i want what she's having! And then yr tummy feels reshaped, i want that too!

Last yr before i put on weight, i did courses with women, over one day - called STOP DIETING AND START LIVING and one segment of the day was BYO LUNCH! I then taught them what i called EROTIC EATING which sounds just like what you talked about from the book, sip, savour, taste, make every bite excstatic! I made everyone (groups 8 - 10) leave their lunch on the plate and then follow my lead! A lunch that cld be scoffed in 2 minutes, took at least 20 minutes and it was sooo funny as i hammed it up a bit! A bit like Meg Ryan in Harry Met Sally, i want what she's having, mmmm, yum, oh yes, stuff like that, and one lady who was 120kg had a bagette (cut in 4 pieces on my instructions!) and she looked like she was making love to it! We were all in stiches and cldnt eat for laughing! After lunch, i put on sexy music like I Like the Way You Move, and an oldy I'm too Sexy for my Shirt, i strutted around like Madonna and got them all gyrating and dancing big style! Womens body look soo sexy dancing no matter how big they are!

Anyway, sounds like the same kind of idea as yr book, treat food as if we are making love to it! And be careful if hubby is around, if you hold a wine glass and stroke the glass etc, you might end up in the bedroom! The hamming it up i did was just to get a point across, of course i dont recommend overdoing it in real life, just do it in yr head!

Now its time for my diary, Pandora

[meagain]

Originally Posted by kagiesen

However, I'm quite disappointed with myself. After that gorgeous dinner, I still felt hungry. I thought that I could' not possibly be hungry because I reckon 115 fish, 5 stalks asparagus, 2 crackers, 1/5 nectarine and 7.5 gr chocolate should not leave me hungry. In particular not immediately after the meal or 30 mins after it. So all night I struggled with that feeling, culminating in me eating 4 extra crackers, 10 grams of plain tuna. Then I felt vaguely 'full', or not hungry anymore. But seriously, I don't think it can be hunger, as the body surely doesn't need re-fueling within 30 mins after a nice protein based meal? I don't know how that happened.

And as if that wasn't bad enough, I again had difficulties sleeping, and at midnight, succumbed to a Boost bar, yuck.

Katrin,

You broke the maintenance rules - if you want the chocolate, it has to be within an hour of a meal with carbs or you'll get hungry!!

Righto, go commando for the next 10 days - as hard as this seems, just do it and then you get through refeed so much easier. I am worried tht you'll undo your great work if you don't stick to the rules now.

[ropemaha]

hi katrin, i too have struggled with sleep for a long time (see my diary). a few questions.
have you had your thyroid checked?

do you know what sort of insomnia you have, there are three types, a)cant get to sleep; b) wake up often during the night and c) wake up really early in the morning. i had all three types.

if you dont already know this, which you probably do, keep a record. talk to your doctor and get a referral to a sleep clinic, i swear these places save lives. it was next on the list for me before i started this diet.
i really feel for you not being able to sleep, i know how debilitating it can be. also caffeine is absolutely delicious but it definately does impact on sleep and it is as associated with heart disease as alcohol and cigarettes if you have heaps of it. a few tips. dont drink it after lunch, careful with any other product that has caffeine in it and drink water with it as this dilutes the effect on brain chemicals.

anyway good luck, i know sleeping well is totally changing my attitude each day.

take care penny

[kagiesen]

Thanks guys

Penny: I have difficulties getting to sleep, and wake up often during the night to go to the loo or just when the husband turns around, and towards the morning I get the deeper sleep so actually I am not tired despite not sleeping. Being a lecturer I have the luxury to not have to get up at a specific time most of the days, so I can sleep in once he's gone. I was always an early bird though, so sleeping til 8 I find weird. Also, I used to go to bed very early. The best sleep I get either if I go to bed at say 8 (in the time between 8 and midnight), and in the morning between 4 and 8. Maybe I should shift-sleep in two stretches, haha. I will research the sleep labs, there is one close to me, I think, and talk to my doctor about it.

Meagain: I know that. During the day I did not breach the maintenance rule as the chocolate was after dinner. Also, I'm not on maintenance, hence I should not have any chocolate. Lastly, if I knew how I could control myself at night I would not break any rules. I have a padlock on the pantry, there is nothing in the fridge I crave, and this was a bad coincident as my step son had a chocolate bar in his room and wasn't back yet and I get quite inventive at night when I try to get to food, so I just went into his room and grabbed the bar. I don't think I'll undo anything, but as long as I don't solve my problem at night, I endanger everything. It's not just 'going commando' as for 18 hours a day I might be hungry, but am quite able to control and indulge in whatever I'm allowed. I start every day thinking at I will not deviate, I finish most days without having deviated, and then there's the night, were I am like sleepwalking and nothing is safe from me.

Pandora: year, right, I need a hard coach. As I said above, the nights are terrible. Yeah, I know all the stuff about the insulin, and chocolate has got caffeine, so that doesn't help, neither does being under-sugared after a sugar/carbs binge. No caffeine today, had a de-caf at home, and another here, and that's it for the day. Will also try going to bed a bit later. Maybe I'm not tired and therefore can't sleep. Does impact on the relationship though, I find, if hubby goes to bed at 10, I at 12, he gets up at 6 and I at 8. Hmmm. Even on the weekend, he goes for a 7 am swim. I'll try to wean myself of some of the de-caf for a while as well as I really need to figure out why I don't sleep. And I am like you, always used to say I can drink a coffee right before bed and sleep. Go figure, I don't sleep. Stupid! I've got a withdrawal headache, too, how bad is that? So rather than concentrating on the 100% rule, what I will concentrate on for the next few days is max 2 espressos, both de-caf. Maybe even only one. See if that affects my sleeping. If it does, then I sleep better, won't eat, and that would be worth cutting coffee out all together in the future. I'll go and see.

Erotic eating, what a lovely idea. I've done that yesterday and it was so nice. Difficult getting my husband and his son to do that, though. Husband has put on a few kilos since I lost them, but is in good shape still, could loose them, though. His son is 19 and just starting to fill out. They shovel their food in, man. Once I'm on maintenance, I'll start cooking French Women and force them to have 2 or 3 small courses and actually talk over dinner. Dedicate time to it, not just feeding time. I'm also on my own there quite a bit and hence I can at least pace myself when no-one is around.

I'll go and read your diary now.

KAtrin

[meagain]

If you're 1kg below target weight, why aren't you on refeed?

Do a couple of days and get on refeed.

[kagiesen]

We've had this discussion on another thread somewhere, and with Pandora, lessfatty and others, I am not where I want to be, and with my consultant have agreed to keep going until I am really hungry. I have started to be hungry only a few days ago, therefore I know I was right to go below their recommendation of 62 low. If I'm hungry enough to eat a horse (I think Asy said that at some stage), and not just wanting to eat more (which has been my lifelong problem), that's when I'll start refeed. I am not happy with my body yet and will continue until I am, even if that takes ages. There are other people on this forum who have decided to go lower than target. And others who haven't and have regretted to have such little buffer to their range.

Cheers

Katrin

[pandora]

Its me again, (oops I mean Pandora not MEAGAIN!!)
Always trying to think outside of the box and here is another behaviour control technique if you really are committed to avoid the chocky at midnight. There you are, prowling the house for something sweet. Why not go to the bathroom first and clean your teeth. Toothpaste and chocolate dont really go well.

Oh and you know how you and i ADORE books, well i reserected (cant spell it, soory) another bk i bought just prior to Cohens this time its on exercise. So i will road test it for all who are interested even tho i know, i know, best to be an exercise free zone until AFTER.

Anway, this might just be the bible for quickest, easiest toning on the planet. It is called THE SLOW BURN by Frederick Hahn and it says "The new fitness craze thats sweeping America! Get fit, burn fat, tone and change yr body in just 25-30 minutes a week!" So there are 11 exercises, so my plan so Cohen friendly is,
do 2 exercises Mon, Wed, Frid, Sun - each take 2.5 minutes = 5 mins for the daY,
do only one exercise Tues, Thurs, Sat - each take 2.5 minutes, thats it for the day!
= 11 over the week, instead of doing them all on the one day!
Each exercise takes 1.5 minutes, then 1 minute rest = 2.5 minutes one day, and only 5 the next etc. So total 25-30 min in wk. I am sure Doc Cohen is ok with that workout! Tools you need are 3 bath towels to roll up, a stool, 1 kg dumbells (skip those for now), ankle weights, thats it! Sounds fab, it is slow strength training. The book is an amazing read and totally slams the exercise myth! You shld read what he says about running! Its available to check out and have a look at Amazon.com tho i got my copy in Angus & Robertson in a half price sale for $12! How has today been? Pandora

[kagiesen]

I'm with you on that. Exercise is great, just not as a means to lose weight. I find my Pilates does similar thigns for me, doesn't burn too much energie, but build core strenght and muscle. What does he say about running (I admit, I like it, but as meditation, I must be the slowest runner in history, many walkers pass me )

I'll try the tooth-brushing tonight.

Just PMed you. too

KAtrin

[meagain]

Katrin,

I know it's your decision alone - but just don't undo the fantastic work.

When I went to refeed I was crying by 10am because I was so hungry, but I didn't go the chocolate. I did really stupid things like brush, floss and gargle and then smear toothpaste all over my teeth (Dentists reckon that is great, BTW), so I wouldn't attack the fridge or cupboard. I had my two serves of fruit split into 4, ie a 80gm kiwifruit at one sitting, 2.5 hours later another 80gm kiwifruit, 2.5 hours later half an orange, and after dinner half an orange. I broke up my 5 crispbread to 1 every 2.5 hours, usually an hour or hour and a half after the fruit. I also doubled my vitamins.

I belted through lots (And I mean lots of chewing gum). And drank way too much water.

I hope something in there helps.

Being hungry after dinner sounds like you have hit the hunger stage. Just be careful, you have done so well. And don't be too harsh on yourself - is your body healthy and letting you live your life? It sounds like it is, give your body praise for what it does and maybe it will stop asking for worship at the feet of the evil sugar seductress.

[meagain]

Goo lord, thinking about what I typed, I must have looked like a woman with rabies.

[pandora]

I'm back! Just read yr reply to Meagain. As yr newly appointed personal success coach, i am not happy with a few words and demand you change them immediately! Not online but in yr head! Here goes....

You say "I am not happy with my body yet"... I take issue with that & urge you to stop talking like that now! Turn it around to attract (remember the Law of Attraction in ACTION) what you do want! Lets face it, you dont actually want to create more of not happy cos that ends in anorexia. So, why not say I love how my body looks AND i choose to sculpt off another coupla kilos! Now that is much more powerful!

As for the hunger thing, its all in the mind! I too was hungry this week for the first time ever. Not today! Nup, i am on fire, on a mission, i am so over giving my power away to scales, clinic, food, wine, i am in charge of what i eat and drink and i want this extra coupla kilos gone superfast. Havent had ANY fruit or crackers yet, havent had time to think about them! So if i have say 2 crackers there is not much time left in the day for any more! You see i am too busy reinventing my life to encompass the new me! The hunger thing was more about what i "expected" to feel this close to refeed. Also, what's so wrong with a little bit of hunger, its not life threatening unless you are an anorexic! So, get busy, re-arrange the furniture, write a novel, start a forum, phone me! Whatever it takes to take yr mind off of food! Drink more water, create a garage sale of all the junk the Katrin you used to be had, clear the clutter and make space for the new! Pandora

[kagiesen]

Meagain: You're right, I have to make sure I don't undo the great work, and I will. I also think hunger is in the brain at the moment, cos I can't have been hungry after dinner. So in other words, what I described as hunger was probably something else. So I am still trying to figure all that out.

Pandora: yeah, you're right, and it's actually what I think. I pounce around at home in front of my husband, or stand in front of the mirrow, and I am really happy with what I see, and then decide that I want to chisel some more. I'd like to master the hunger, or what I take for it, and be able to actually only eat when I am hungry, and then truly enjoy it.

Off home too headachie!

Katrin

[magenta]

Hi Katrin, I think you're doing fabulously You're working through this rather than not and just letting go. You've got a goal weight in mind that you'd like to get too and I'm sure you'll reach it sooner than you think, you could be just waiting for your IFC to catch up with the new slimmer you. About your insomnia... do you have a lot going on in your life? Sometimes unfinished business for the day can keep you up too. Myself and hubby cannot sleep if we've got something troubling us or equally if we're excited about something too. Sleep eludes us until the wee hours of the morning! But if we write down what's keeping us from sleeping then the mind thinks we've dealt with the *problem* and we can then let go and sleep.

[kagiesen]

Thanks, Magenta, for your kind words. Yeah, I've got this dream, and I want to do it. But the IFC is always lurking around the corner. No deviation today, and off to bed now (720pm....) I'm sure I'll sleep fine, somehow early bed makes me sleep really well and if I wake up at say midnight, I think, man, I've done 5 hours already, and still got 8, how good is that.

Yeah, I've been very busy, and also thinking about my IFC, and what made me the way I was, and how I can stay the way I am now. So I toss and turn. I have tried the writing things down, it difficult when you have to turn on the light, even in living room or so, I think that would wake me up even more. But if I toss and turn, I'll gove it another go.

Thanks a lot!

Katrin

[kagiesen]

Another day, and I am feeling much better. 60.2 on the scales, so far the two chocolate bars at least had no effect on my weight!

I had 2 cups of de-caffeinated coffee yesterday and went to bed at 730. Whilst Between 730 and 10 I got up about 5 time to go the the toilet, I got a good rest in that time, and eventually I also slept, waking up at about midnight, 230, 600 and now 730. I feel very relaxed! These toilet trips I have had as long as I can think, even before I drank 3 liters plus of water, so they are one of the culprits for sleeping badly. But can't complain about this night's sleep.

That means I am strong for my next caffeine-free day, hopefully without withdrawal headache (or at least with a painkiller in reach).

So far, so good. It doesn't' taste half as nice, though....

Gotta go, just thought I'd let you know that the string of nights with chocolate bar is broken. (Mind you, I did want one, but everything was locked....)

Katrin

[pandora]

How are you TODAY Katrin and how did you sleep last night? I am glad you slept better Thurs night, even tho you had to get up and down a few times for the toilet, and how are going with the caffeine free zone? I have almost given up caffeine, what i do is have two cups of decaf coffee a day and i sprinkle a few grains of expresso on (bit life salt!)! Otherwise, just decaf. I always had coffee black anyway but was finding the strong expressos making me "jumpy" so cut back a few wks ago, yet another new habit for after Cohens. I will be out most of today but will catch up with yr diary this eve. Pandora