Faithy's Diary

[meagain]

Faithy,

Mmm, well stripping away our insulation can feel like we've stripped our security and it can be scary.

Now, when people are nice to me I sometimes find myself thinking 'you feel sorry for me' (Mindset - I am still fat), or 'would you have been nice to me when I was fat?" (mindset - I don't deserve people to be nice to me). Maybe that's related to your issue?

In December, we where at a fun park, you know with water slides, I had gone off with our little girl and my husband was with our son, we were meeting up in the middle of the park to go out the entrance. I waited for my husband in the shade, he went over to an area a little bit away from where we agreed to meet. We were about 300 -500 metres apart. I was looking at him, waiting for him to come over. I could see him getting a little tense, because he thought I was keeping him waiting. I waved and waved, waited - no response. He looked over about five times, right past me, looked at me. I could see him getting angrier and angrier, I was late - again!- I then started yelling calling his name. I saw him scan me, tap his foot, talk to our son, scan again and then scan at our daughter's height, as I was still calling him (I wasn't going to lug all our stuff back to him, just cause he was being a nitwit), he looked at our daughter, recognised her, started looking really concerned as he scanned up my legs to my face. He didn't come over at this point.

I am getting angrier and angrier, I thought he was ignoring me. And then I realised, he didn't recognise me. He was looking for 'his wife, the mother of his children'. He knew her as a woman that would never stand there in her bathers - she'd be in a huge Tshirt and board shirts. She was, let's face it, a fattie. The woman standing there with his daughter was getting oggled by men behind her. I told our daughter to run over to Daddy and get him to come over.

You have no idea the angst that incident caused in our house*, 1st because I thought he was ignoring me, and 2nd because then I realised - he just didn't recognise me. I am carrying on about 'how I haven't changed that much, and couldn't you recognise your wife!! .... poor fella didn't have an answer. To be honest, I didn't know whether to be pleased or peeved.

* On second thoughts, maybe you do!!

Sorry - shouldn't have hijacked your diary.

[Pudge]

Hey Faithy just stopping in to check up on ya. Am glad you are enjoyng refeed. Your headach is gone and the bank deal is taken care of.

Some people just don't give a rats backside about anything other than doing what they figure is there job. They seem to enjoy making like misserable for others. You handled it way better than I would have I am afraid.

You and Sassy look awesome. I have met one person on the US forum I am also on and we had so much fun. It's not like there where you have many people in the same area or clinics. So can get together we are all so scattered here.
pudge

[SassyK]

Wow Faithy... You're deailing with a lot of "stuff" lately...

Losing weight sure does have it's ups and downs - it's a huge emotional rollercoaster sometimes. Thankfully it's mostly ups, , but there are definitely moments that can throw you in a bit of a tail spin. I often wonder how I will feel when I get to the end... will I ever feel as if I'm "finished"... will I even recognise myself when I'm there (I already feel like a completely different person to when I started)... will I feel comfortable in my own skin... will I even like what I see?

Something you said when we met really resonated with me... how people always say you're the same person when you're overweight (the "it's what's on the inside that counts" arguement), but you're not really. I know I've changed and my friends can see it too. One of my closest friends said the other day that it's like I've been abducted by aliens and they've replaced me with someone else!!!

I've noticed how differently people treat me and react to now, and it's left me wondering more than a couple of times, whether it's because of the physical changes or it's the mental ones as well. Like Meagain said, it makes me wonder - 'would you have been this nice to me when I was fat?'

And you... you are such a BEAUTIFUL person, inside and out... I'm sure you've always been that way.

Wish I was there to give you a big hug...

[Kohinoor]

Hi Faithy,

Wow - you do sound a wee bit "out of sorts" eh? Probably not too surprising, considering the road you've travelled.

So anyway, this is where I am at at the moment.. not asking for affirmations, flattery or a pity party.. just sharing another heart felt story (without too much depth) of where I am right now.

Fair enough Faithy - you share so much, and that story must surely help others who have mirror problems on their journeys - so thanks....

For me, this is another "Oh!" moment

It's easy for us to see and acclaim the changes you've wrought over the last 12 months - you have attacked the weight problem head-on, and have brought your body back to (I would think) where it would have been naturally if the weight hadn't packed on all those years ago. I can only guess that there are THOUSANDS of memories that were created "in your other skin" - and it must be quite surreal to be looking, today, at a completely different person in the mirror. e.g. old photos suddenly "don't fit" with the new you - or, from what I'm hearing from you, the new you doesn't fit with the old memories.....

Hugs, Faithy - it must be quite weird, even a bit upsetting for you. A bit of acclimatisation (and time) needs to take place methinks.... Go softly, take the time, love the new light body, better health, fitness, etc. Let time do what it does best... over time, the mirror will become your friend too

For us, it's easy - we see the change in you, and (you agree) you are so much more healthy, light as a feather, etc. We also see the "new" Faithy face and say "Wow you look lovely, younger, etc" - and to us, it's true (but WE are not in your skin, behind your eyes, or thinking with your mind - we are ALL outsiders when it comes to the new YOU !! Hehe - suddenly, I have a lot of company on here )


And thank you for giving us yet another "Oh" moment (I'm sure I'm not alone in that....)

Awesome post Faithy - big hugs to you for sharing such insightful thoughts....

Hoping that all this passes for you AFTER refeed is complete, and you settle into your new life - let time weave its magic for you

Koh

[Tuti]

Hi Faithy,

I'm really not surprised that your having all these mixed emotions. You have changed dramatically physically and it will probably take a long time to adapt emotionally to those changes. But now not only are you having to deal with your emotions but other peoples reactions.

We are really fickle as a society and whether we like it or not we are initially judged by our looks. Your personality may have changed a bit but your looks have changed tremendously and thats why people react differently to you. It is terrible that that is how it is these days.

Imagine if you won millions in Tattslotto. You might not change but the people around you would act differently to you.

I think time out by yourself is a great idea. We should all do it. It is great just to have the space to clear your mind and put everything into perspective.

I really admire your honesty on this forum (something I feel a bit too scared to do on a public forum). But you touch on matters that I think people on this forum will go through or have been through and by you talking about it makes it easier to deal with..

Thanks Faithy you're a champ

Tuti

[FotoHijinx]

Hey Faithy girl

Sounds like another challenge for you to conquer - which I'm sure you will once you get your head around it.

I used to have those thoughts about my partner finding me sexy at the size that I was, took a while to get used to the fact that he did and now he's helping me get through the fact that me being skinnier doesn't make me any more sexier to him as I always was - hard to get your head around that when you think it is all relevant. I guess its not.

You've got a good man Faithy, make sure you include him in these conversations as you'll need his help as well.

Don't worry hon, you'll get your mojo back and you will then create new exciting memories together that will be beautiful.

Love to you.

Irene

[Faithy]

Thanks heaps AJ ..

Meagain .. Yeah I pretty much hear you there.. My weight was like a security blanket (my warped way of thinking) & now I feel naked.. feel free to hijack my diary at any time :P.. that story about your hubby is awesome!! I mean how sad in a way.. It's kind of a happy yet sad yet weird one huh..

HUGS & thank you

Hey Pudge thanks hey .. & yeah Sassy is one gorgeous Gal :P Sad but true that there are a lot of people out there who are just out there to make everyone else miserable.. I want to put a rocket up them :P
HUGS

Sassy ..
You can give me that hug in a week or so?? :P.. Yeah .. people.. *sigh*.. they do treat us so differently.. I find it disturbing.. BUT I have to get over it LOL.. I can't change them I've realised BUT I can change me
BIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS to you gorgeous XXX

Koh ..
Well thank you HEAPS..
Memories.. well there are SOO many & so many come flooding back to me each day.. I do truly wish to share some of them.. perhaps as I write I am dealing with things.. in fact I think I am.. but I will kind of respond to your comment more further down in what I'm about to write
Thank you for being there ALWAYS
HUGSSSSSSSSS

Tuti..
SUCH a GOOD analogy!!! I can so see that.. if I won millions how would people treat me.. society sux the big one eh??!! Well I for one have learned from this experience & will make sure I dont fall in to society's trap
Thanks XXX

Hey Irene
I took your advice & sat down with hubby & just REALLY opened up.. he's so awesome & so supportive & he just GOT me
Thank you gorgeous lady..
Sending you massive HUGSSS XXX



WELL............

I've decided that I am going to look at myself in the mirror everyday & start to love this new person.. I'm going to start taking pride in her appearance & I'm going to start to REALLY look after me.. I have been neglecting me for pretty much all my life & now it's time to rectify all the wrong I have done to myself.. inside AND out..

My hubby told me last night that he's ALWAYS found me incredibly sexy & I dont realise the power I have over him (then he mentioned over any man ).. & it leaves me some what bewildered.. but he's never been dishonest with me in the past so why not believe him now..
I need to learn to trust more.. not only him, but myself too..

I think a lot of why I'm feeling so unsettled is because the other day I went looking through MASS amounts of photos.. old ones, new ones.. in an attempt to find '3' full length photos of myself for the 'Slimmer Of The Year' competition.. still cant find one.. anyway.. there were memories upon memories..
Sadness came as I realised soooo much.. like how I feel I've 'wasted' ALL my life being a slave to my body, to fatness.. how I have allowed people's prophecies (for want of a better word) to come to fruition.. How I have let people hurt me emotionally over & over & over again..
My fear of being noticed in part had caused me to get fat.. (bizarre) but I felt I could hide behind my weight..
Now I feel exposed.. & I worry that people wont like me..
BUT..
I should be thinking.. who gives a rat's (bottom)...

My ex use to say that I was an embarrassment to him.. his friends use to say that I left him because I was insecure because of my weight.. when I was 18 his friends use to say to him to be wary because She's going to end up fat..
Then other memories come flooding back like how he use to laugh at me for singing.. for writing songs.. during intimate moments.. mocking the way I did things in front of our friends.. playing footsies with a friend of ours under the table while playing cards & then when I went & got counselling & realised that laughing at me during sex wasn't normal & when I began to be empowered he called me the devil
So yeah there was a lot that came flooding back..
BUT now I choose to empower myself.. to learn from all the bad.. & as difficult as it is .. to forgive & move forward.. realising that nothing can change the past, but I can change the here & now & hopefully mould the future..

Life is good now.. I have everything I need & I have the ones that I love close to me..

Love & blessings to all XXX

[shrinking_moi]

Faithy, sounds like your getting to the bottom of your issues so well and also that your hubby is so honest and supportive would help.
I just imagine if we all could be so good at delving into the why's and what fors of our 'issues'. Looking through photo's sounds like a great way to bring them out and then to deal with them.
We were talking about you tonight at our Geelong meet and were all saying you should definately enter the Slimmer of year comp. We will back you up in every way to get you teh crown.
X
Ez

[ropemaha]

wow faithy what a post....

of course you know i could go on and on about what an idiot you x is...hence the x i suppose....but i was just sitting here reading that and thinking sheesh its uncanny how 'what goes around, comes around'...i mean far out faithy, you have seriously turned your life around and from your previous posts your x is still in that awful head space....

he is a sad and miserable person faithy, poor him

you are a happy and joyous person, good on you....life is funny, thats for sure.

i really admire you.

penny

[jill88]

Hi Faithy,

What an amazing post, so honest.
I hope that you start to feel settled soon and you can really start to enjoy the whole new you.

I will certainly back you as slimmer of the year.

Well done on a sensational disiplined effort.

Jill

[Kohinoor]

Hi Faithy,

Girl, you are cranking !!! I feel SO good reading all this - past demons being exorcised methinks.....

My hubby told me last night that he's ALWAYS found me incredibly sexy & I dont realise the power I have over him (then he mentioned over any man ).. & it leaves me some what bewildered.. but he's never been dishonest with me in the past so why not believe him now.. I need to learn to trust more.. not only him, but myself too..

Let me shake hubby's hand !!! You've got a top bloke there, Faithy - don't let him get away (as if... sounds like he's yours to me ) Just listen to him, trust in him, and it'll all be good.

Re "always found you incredibly sexy" - sorry, I can't remember just WHERE it was said, but I do recall a post recently where "confidence is the most sexy thing out there" - male or female. I can only think that "you and hubby" must've known you/him was "right" when you met up - and (guessing) he allowed, and even nurtured, your confidence, even when you were at your biggest. GUESS what that does? So, girl, just be confident in you (and you're sounding better EVERY DAY rght now) - also in your hubby and that gorgeous family, then just go on living and loving as you do....

Then other memories come flooding back like how he use to laugh at me for singing.. for writing songs.. during intimate moments.. mocking the way I did things in front of our friends.. playing footsies with a friend of ours under the table while playing cards & then when I went & got counselling & realised that laughing at me during sex wasn't normal & when I began to be empowered he called me the devil

Ewww !! Can't think of much to say about THIS kind of bloke - so I guess "Ewww" will have to do .....

I can only think that you have always been a strong woman, Faithy, way down deep - otherwise you may have NEVER been confident enough to even "try again" with current hubby. But, aren't you glad you did?


I was tempted to put this in "gems" - but then, I thought better - henceforth, everybody, the gems thread starts HERE :-
http://newyouforum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4028


Thank you SO much for sharing and caring as you do, Faithy. Who knows how many hundreds of people have already been beneficiaries of the goodness you give to us all right here. YOU are a gem, girl - of infinite value !! I'm sure I've said it before, but don't ever change, hey?



Koh

[Annabelle Joy]

Ugh, you're certainly well rid of that ex, Faithy, and you've certainly replaced him with a gem. Sounds like the ex might have had a lot to do with you adding the weight in the first place.

AJ

[shell]

Hi Faithy,
Wonderful post as always, I always seem to take something positive from what you have to say, thank you

When you said people treat you differently now, you assume it is because you have lost weight?
Could it be that you have much more confidence in yourself and put yourself out there more now, instead of hiding in the background?

I have found in being more confident and proud of myself-
I walk taller,
I am not afraid to give my opinion- it counts as much as anyone else's!
I smile a lot more, which probably makes me more approachable,
I don't care about what other people think about me as much as I used to- I'm with you on the rats bottom

Have you made a list of goals and positive affirmations you can look at every day?
I did and i am sure it hase helped me believe in myself much more- you say it enough times, you believe it

Glad you are starting to find peace within yourself, you have helped me along the way and I am sure many others.
Thank you for being so sharing and kind
Shell

[FotoHijinx]

Hey my Faithy girl

I'm so glad you talked it over with your boy - he's a gem - I've always known that He's like my boy - loves us and thinks we are sexy no matter what size we are as they love us - not our "shell". We both really have to learn to hear what they say and take it for the truth and not just brush it off as and off the cuff comment. I've also had to get used to that as my ex would never say half of the nice things my MM says to me - it was hard to adjust to at first but now I really do appreciate it and now I just love him even more for it (if thats possible). He makes me feel incredibly sexy with what he says (and they don't have to be sexy comments - if that makes sense).

Sorry, hijacked your diary

Biggest hugs to you and your boy - you've got a great relationship there - time to nurture you and your boy.

cheers
Irene

[hexi2]

WOW Faithy!

I can understand so much of what you are saying....maybe I need to revisit my past for a little while

[gunnabeslim]

Hi Faithy,
I think most of us that have had a weight problem have similar feelings ( well I do any way) I beat myself up thinking I wasted all my adult life being over weight
However I think at 43 I hopefully have a lot of years to go so if I can do as well as you I am going to have a great second half to my life I have lost 32kg so nearly half way.
thanks againg for opening up to us.
Rose

[Faithy]

Thank you Rose, Hexi, Irene, Shell, AJ, Koh, Penny, Ez & Jill.. nothing like baring the soul eh??!!

Koh.. That was just AMAZING!!! Touched to say the least..

yeah my guy now, well he is NOTHING like my ex.. & I honestly thank God for that, for him.. my life is enriched greatly because of him.. he sure does have HUGE part in my healing processes & me becoming the person I am today.. he listens to me without judgement.. he encourages me to reach for my dreams, no matter how far out there they may be..

I'm finding I'm posting in here less & less & I'm posting in people's personal diaries less & less.. I do apologise deeply for this.. life has gotten a whole lot busier & keeping up with everyone is getting so much harder.. there are soooo many of you, so many newbies.. it's just awesome ..

Tomorrow is my last day of re-feed & yeah I'm excited & nervous at the same time.. I'm SO happy with my new body except when my tummy bloats which it has done on & off during re-feed.. So I'll have to watch that one closely.. it's kind of weird.. working in the fashion store I'm working in, I get a lot of women commenting on my body.. they say things like you have a gorgeous lim body or you dont look like you've ever had a weight problem in your life.. I've realised that even if I only work there for another day (just saying) that I have been given one of the greatest gifts by being there.. people who I've never seen before who volunteer such information without any prompting from me.. it tells me that where I am right now is OK.. I'm in a good place..
I think I really do have a bad self image.. hubby has a couple of times frowned at me because I'll say something like "gee I'm still fat".. but now that Im making myself look at myself in the mirror more & then these comments, well I'm slowly beginning to see that I'm OK..

So 90 kilos in just under 12 months.. I'm OVER the moon!!!! I've made it.. now I just have to STAY there ..

It's almost like I have to pinch myself.. I need to wake up from this deep sleep where all I am doing is dreaming..

Some one pinch me??

[Kannadew]

Faithy.... I just GET you! (Consider yourself PINCHED!!!)

Life is so different now. Its weird .... but sometimes I actually have to really think to remember what it was like to be 74kgs heavier... but then there are other times it is OH SO VERY REAL and I still feel Fat and still feel at least 100kgs and thats totally what I am expecting to see in the mirror. I keep getting a surprise every time I look! We really need to create NEW visual memories of ourselves!

Life is so much busier these days. We have redeemed our lives ... back to where they were designed to be! This has freed us to live ... LIFE! Therefore... we get busy!

I want you to know that I am SO EXCITED for you that you are finally finishing refeed tomorrow... (or by the time you read this...TODAY!!). I am sure you will succeed and flourish and manage in your indomitable style as you have all along!

ABUNDANT BLESSINGS!!!
Kannadew

[Kohinoor]

Hi Faithy,

Sounding GOOD to me, girl - keep on beating those demons, accepting those impromptu compliments (they're nice, hey?), and LIVING that new life.

HUGE congratuations on finishing today - HUGE smile on MY face hearing that..... Just thinking back to your earlier posts on here - always seeking, always lovely, always determined, always upbeat (except when you weren't - and that's when we were able to "help" a little bit....), always sharing, and always greatful for the consideration others showed.

So 90 kilos in just under 12 months.. I'm OVER the moon!!!! I've made it.. now I just have to STAY there ..

Top of the mountain now, girl !! It's all downhill from here (i.e. "It's now easy") ENJOY life in your new, "younger", healthier, lighter, hot body - that side's well and truly sorted now. Once your mind has caught up with the reality of things, I've no doubt you will be loving that new you with NO reservations at all.

It's almost like I have to pinch myself.. I need to wake up from this deep sleep where all I am doing is dreaming..

MANY have "mirror problems" all the way through their journey, Faithy - maybe you did too (think so - not sure....) With your weight-loss part now complete, the mind will have a chance to "catch up"......

Some one pinch me??

Would a hug do???? :P

Hugs,

Koh

[Andy46]

90 kg - gone forever - you hero - you champion and you are the great achiever that you have always been - you are a winner and a grinner.

Good on you Faithy ......I am so pleased and happy for you.

I wish you well and hope that all your dreams ---- no matter how far out they are ------ come hurtling in to you for you.

Have a great day you wonderful achiever .......... and enjoy your own success and conquering that you have ably done ........... for yourself.

Thanks for words of wisdom in the forum ......they are true and lots of people ...including me ..... draw strength and commitment from your posts ......thanks !


Andy