heidimama's Diary

[michiemama]

STAIRS! Yay you! Maybe one day, I can be like that too haha!

As for chocolates... it's definitely hard when stress factors come along. As long as you get back on track, pay those no mid. Sure, it'll take you longer, but longer is better than never...

Keep us updated!

[Donzie]

Hi Heidimama,

I hope all is going well for you and you've managed to get back on plan. It is so worth it. A new job is a very stressful time without doubt, it's great your thinking about ways to add a little exercise into your daily routine via use of the stairs.

Anyway, I hope your doing well.

XX

[blondetastic]

Heidimama, congrats on the new job. Like Donzie said - it is stressful. Hope you are settling in well. You will get on top of it all, just that period of adjustment. Hope Tuesday back on plan went the way you wanted.

[Jay's Wife]

Life is stressful and we need to be kind to ourselves. Hope your 3rd day back on plan is going well.

[Heidimama]

I am back, like an alcoholic from relapse. The analogy is not far from the reality at all, as I do believe I lose control when it comes to certain foods. And I have indulged in them with abandon for the past several months. I have gained more than I lost and I am back up to 79.4 kg.

Thanks Donnzie, blondetastic, and Jay's Wife for stopping by with encouragement and apologies to you all for being MIA yet again.

I have tried to start again and again and always gave up within 24 hours. But I was reminded the other day that this weight control thing is a mental game, not a physical one. So I am here yet again, doing what I can to keep my head right, as I put my plan into practice.

I have used work as an excuse, but that is what it is, really, an excuse. No one is putting food in my mouth and I need to exercise some autonomy (even if it is uncomfortable for others) at work events, instead of just succumbing to peer pressure.

Here are the tools I am using to keep my head right:

1. meditation or 'staying present' to help me not to eat out of discomfort with feelings or physical discomfort
2. honesty in this diary, exploring my feelings instead of stuffing them down with food
3. mutual support here in the forum
4. walking and yoga
5. reminders of why I am doing this - hormone regulation, blood sugar regulation, to decrease bp, to live a life I am not ashamed of (secret bingeing), to be more comfortable in my skin
6. loving myself and taking care of my appearance, no matter what I weigh

If you have any ideas to add to my toolbox, I would love to read them.

My plan has expired but I will use it for the next month. Then perhaps I will try to contact my consultant again.

I have prepped meals for today, tomorrow and one meal for Tuesday.

So, Day 1 again:

B: yogurt
L: pan-fried meat and steamed komatusuna greens, 1 nashi

and dinner will be

D: fish and asparagus, cabbage, komatsuna greens, tomato (steamed together)

I am going to explore diaries and hope to reconnect with friends.

[StrongerThanSheKnows]

Hi Heidi!!!
I identify with so much of what you've said here! The mental battle continues no matter our weight. I think it's really smart that you are focusing your energy on examining mental patterns that need adjusting. Without fixing that we are bound to repeat the cycle. I look forward to reading your journal and how you go about this as it's something we all need to work on!
Great work!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Nomoreweighting]

Oh Heidi,

I can relate to so much you have said in your most recent post. I have many more kgs to lose than you but it's not a numbers game, it's a mind game. I'm psyching myself up to start this week, which makes me apprehensive that I'm so not committed.

I look forward to following your journey and beginning my own.

NMW

[Soleil]

Yes absolutely, I also think it's very smart to focus on getting the 'head right' when doing this!

I wish you every success and with your list of tools you're certainly on the right track! I love the list you wrote and I can identify with all of them. For me adding gentle exercise has made a huge difference

You can do this!!

[Heidimama]

Thanks for the visits STSK, NMW, Soleil! It means a lot to me.

So almost a week later, I am back. I did not stick to the plan this week. I allowed myself to get side-tracked. I am embarrassed, and I would love to be reporting otherwise, but I have to be honest. As I have said before, my priority is getting my head right and figuring out how to change a lifetime of habits and ways of looking at food. It will take some work and some time.

I was reading STSK's diary and it inspired a long reply, which really belongs here in my diary, not in hers. She wrote that with this plan she "will be able to realize it's just food!"

It's just food! What a concept!

For some reason, comfort foods have had this all-powerful place in my life. They have the ability to lift my mood, to comfort me, to help me to deal with stress, to entertain me, to motivate me, to do what nothing and no one can do for me.

Since I was a little girl, having pudding stuffed in my face by my siblings to stop me from crying, to baking my first jelly muffins at 7, to being the fat one in the family and one of two fat girls my class at school, to rewarding myself with huge chocolate bars on Fridays, to having two candy bars a day, every day in university, to working in bakeries, to reading food blogs and watching food shows on TV, to gravitating to the food department when shopping, to being known as a good cook and foodie, comfort food has been a huge part of my life and identity.

This has to change if I am going to make any permanent change to my health and appearance.

I have to learn to see food as fuel. I have to see this plan not as something to be endured until I get to goal, but basically as a way of eating for the rest of my life. I can still enjoy food, but in moderation, and the right foods, veg and protein.

I need to remind myself what happened to get me off-track. I found myself last Monday stressed out by an unexpected problem at work, by a detox headache, by two late-evening appointments I had made, by the prospect of just yogurt for dinner. I let all of that get to me and soon found myself bingeing at home.

I thought about things the next day. Since I had a headache, I should have put my needs first by going home after resolving the problem at work instead of staying late doing busywork. I should have cancelled my appointments eaten my yogurt, came to this diary to record my feelings and express myself, and gone to bed.

Instead, I decided not to disappoint other people (who really would have been fine without me!) by keeping my appointments, and went back to old ways of coping with stress by bingeing. And then because one evening was shot, might as well let the whole week go too. All or nothing thinking. This is a head game.

So I need to rely on this diary as a place to express my feelings and all the minutiae that I do not/cannot share with people in my life, and keep food in its proper perspective.

It's just food.

When I am stressed out/overwhelmed/uncomfortable, I can:

write in this diary
read other members' diaries
take a walk
go to bed
talk to someone
do some yoga
breathe
meditate

I do not have to turn to food.

[Soleil]

It's so great you're thinking about these things!!! And what you can do different when in a stressful situation again, rather than eating!!!!!

I'm an emotional eater too, I think most of us here are... But the thing is, I never used to be. I'm naturally a skinny person, I never, ever used to be an emotional eater or a binge eater or just eat out of boredom, any of those things. I started putting on weight when I stopped moving (started a desk job) then I got pregnant, had my babies and it has been a struggle ever since. I feel, for me, it's like I have this fat around me and I can hide, it doesn't matter what I eat, no one can see it. At some point I just stopped *seeing* myself. I don't really know where I'm trying to get with this and I'm typing this in a bit of a rush... I suppose I'm trying to gather my own thoughts in your diary hehe, it happens easily

But we are all in this boat together and one thing I have learnt is true is that if you just concentrate on the big picture and not fuss over the fact that one day it didn't go 100% then in the *long term* you are far better off. Try your best, do the thinking and analysing just like you have done and you are on your way, healthy choices for life!



Soleil xx

[StrongerThanSheKnows]

Hey mama!

I'm so glad that something I said struck a chord...And funny enough your reply got me right back! We have to retrain our minds too, we have to work at it. We have to put in the work to reinforce healthy thoughts and get rid of the addictive ones. Thanks for opening my eyes to that. Yes meditation. A key tool in retraining our minds!

Keep it up, it's all a process! And thanks for the inspiration!
STSK

[mesmer_eyes]

Yo heidimama

Persistence is key. And good that you are still trying to nail this down. Im on the same boat and a lot of what you wrote resonates with what Im going through and thinking about right now. Its such a struggle and we WANT to overcome this.

Im cheering you on and keep going!

[Heidimama]

This is my 3rd attempt at posting in my diary. The first post was super-long and got eaten up. The second disappeared with an accidental screen swipe.

So bullets now:
Thanks to STSK, ME and Soleil for stopping by with encouragement. It really means a lot to me.

Soleil, I know exactly what you mean about not seeing our true weight. I have had that experience on both sides of the spectrum.

STSK, yes, ma’am, your words have gotten me through some cravings and trips to the supermarket. Thank you for the simple, three-word mantra.

ME, yes, yes, and still we rise.

I was on and of plan all week, so have no lost kilos to post about.

However, I continued with morning walks and yoga, and starting wearing my pedometer again in an effort to move more during the day. Building good habits.

I also talked to a professional about my food obsession/sugar addiction.

Reviewed the good habits I had when I was last successful with sane eating:

morning meditation and gratitude routine
connection with friends
connection with the universe
staying present
seeing the present moment, not some food treat later, as the reward
seeing work in its proper perspective
planning
focusing on myself, my goals, my life, not other people’s faults
coming to this site daily
being accountable to myself at the end of the day

Thanks for your support, everyone. Hope something here helps someone else.

Off to get groceries and prep meals for the week.

[Heidimama]

So yesterday went according to plan, and I stayed on plan. I went to bed feeling pleased, not full of regrets. I turned inward whenever I felt any uncomfortable feelings and tried to really stay present.

I think the talk with the therapist really helped as she gave me some suggestions for calming myself and My food cravings/obsession.

Had a nice walk and yoga this AM and M3 for breakfast. Have M2 in my bag and about to start work.

Will check in later. Have a good evening/morning/night, my fellows!

[Heidimama]

Day 2 done and dusted. Went according to plan. And I didn't have a headache! My throat is a little sore, though.

The afternoons (around 3PM) are the times when I feel hungriest. I have to watch that.

I also found out we have the day off tomorrow, so that is cool. Not sure how I will spend the day, but I won't be pigging out.

Ready for a shower and bed.

[Soon2BSlim]

Well done for getting through day 2 Heidimamma You can do this! I love your posts and can identify with so much of what you have said. I'm sure skinny people have no idea of the daily, hourly or less, struggles that we face and the constant fight against food.

Just a little while longer and you will be in the zone and things will start to get easier.

I look forward to following you to your weight loss goal.

Louise

[Nomoreweighting]

Hi Heidi,

Not long until you're in the zone. 3pm-6pm is always a struggle for me food wise, I'm using my diary this time around to keep me accountable.

I enjoy reading your journey!

[Heidimama]

S2BS, you're so right that skinny people can't imagine how we feel. I remember hanging out with my naturally thin older sister as a teenager, and I was hungry and knew I had to eat immediately! She was so annoyed at me for not being able to wait another hour or two, like her. She could go all day on an apple or a boiled egg, whereas I felt hunger, no, every single craving, was something to be satisfied at once. And I really couldn't understand then that my relationship with food was not normal. Now, of course, I know about blood sugar levels, and how my abuse of sugar messed mine up. But then, not a clue! Thanks for the encouragement!

Hi NMW! Thanks for stopping by. Yes, 3PM-6PM is the time to be especially vigilant. I try to have M2 and M3 for breakfast and lunch, because I find my appetite has never been as big in the evening. Are you doing the same? I am really excited to see you have success with the plan!

Day 3 over. It went fine because I used tools from my toolbox. My throat is still sore on and off and I probably should have spent the day resting, but I had errands to run and then decided to get my nails done. Got the afternoon hungries, but made it through thanks to the tools, but also because...

I went to Uniqlo to have a look at their autumn offerings and tried on a pair of pants in a size larger than my usual. They fit, but were really unflattering, even in the bigger size. I realized that I can delude myself into thinking I am smaller than I actually am, because I carry the weight decently, meaning, I still have a waist, and look curvy. But really, there is no denying that I have gained 10 kg since last summer when I put on many of the things I bought then.

Anyway, not going to get bummed out, but just use it as motivation to stay on plan.

[Heidimama]

Day 4. Returning home after a good day. I feel like I am trying not to get a full-blown cold: sniffles, throat still sore, tight chest.

Having had M3 for breakfast, I wasn't really hungry at lunch time. And now almost 5 hours after my M2 lunch, I am not craving anything. Amazing. Thoughts do pop into my head as I pas my old haunts: the bakery on the way to station, the big supermarket at my transfer station, the imported food shop, blah, blah, blah. I am seeing just how much my life revolved around food.

And food needs to be fuel, not entertainment, for me if I am ever to maintain a slim body. If I choose to continue to fulfill all my food desires, I will gradually get fatter and fatter and develop lifestyle diseases. That is the simple fact.

-----

So I have arrived home and prepped tomorrow's meals and had my yogurt dinner.


I was thinking, as I walked from the station, "I don't HAVE to do this plan. I GET to do it! I have access to the easiest, fastest way to lose weight in a healthy way. What a privilege! And I can choose to use it, or not."

Anyway, enough thinking.

Going to catch up with a few friends, wait for a delivery, take a shower, and climb into bed. Hope you are all doing well.

[Nomoreweighting]

Sounds like you're in the zone HM, what an empowering feeling.

I went for a stroll tonight and thought that I eat for maybe 30 minutes a day, why does food consume my ever waking thought?

Keep up the motivational posts.