Earth Angel Andie - 2015 Diary

[Andie27]

Andie Returns to Work!

Started back at work today for the first time since being diagnosed with depression and anxiety almost 3 years ago now. I've gone from being housebound to taking huge strides in terms of re-entering society. My anxiety levels were nowhere near as high as I thought they would be - phew! I have to give credit where it's due and thank my program and Dr Cohen (words cannot even begin to describe who grateful I am) and to all my beautiful friends on the NYF for your encouragement. I'm so glad to have met you all - mwah big kisses!

Can I say that I am super proud of myself!!
Not quite a 'happy dance' moment but pretty close, I feel like I have a purpose.

I'm in a different area to where I was before (thank goodness) and everyone seems to be human and down to earth - will know more as time goes by. I'm always consciously on the look out for the odd few that seem to be all that and a bag chips until something makes them go off like a firecracker! I'm sure you know the type. But so far, so good and I remain hopeful.

Just a very quick update today, have been pondering a few things of late and will make sure I provide a more detailed description of my learning journey!

Hugs for now...Andie

[Tes]

Andie that is fantastic news! So happy for you the association with previous panick attacks and certain situations and locations where you have had them previously can be quite debilitating. I still avoid certain places so kudos to you. This was a very very brave day for you xxxx. So many achievements in one week wow week. This deserves a happy RAVE!

[AudreeS]

Hi Andie! You have made so much progress and its awesome! You have been so positive and encouraging to me since I have come back and I want to be an encouragement to. I have dealt with anxiety and depression in my past life (1st marriage) and I know how hard it can be. I am happily remarried to a wonderful man who is very supportive and its a night and day type of life.

Losing weight and exercise can also have a huge impact on hormones, etc which I have found helped me too. I just need to get my butt back to the gym! Keep on moving forward, baby steps everyday and one day you look back and see your miles away from where you were

[Andie27]

Thanks Tes - it's been a big week but a good one. I was very nervous (sweaty palms and had 3 nervous pees before I even left the house!) but had my OT there and she was awesome. Really calmed me and gave me confidence.
Oh I hear you babe, there are still a bucket load of places that I avoid like the plague! Hopefully as I lose more weight, get fitter and more confidence then this might change. So fingers crossed. Our party is turning out to be a big sha-bang! Don't remember the last time I went to a rave! Lol!
Hi Audree - thank you for your encouraging message. It really helps me to remain focused. It's interesting just how many people have battled with this illness. It's staggering to know the stats but not many are willing to discuss it openly. In my experience, people only tell me of their experience if I tell them first. Sounds like a PhD is in there somewhere!
Thanks for sharing. If I didn't feel the love before, I do now. Knowing that both yourself and Tes have shared with me, makes me really appreciate you and your support.
So ladies - biggest hugs ever, Mwah Andie

[Andie27]

I know that this won't come as a surprise to most of you but I need more than just motivation to keep going, especially when I'm having one of my bad days. Knowing that I am motivated and have the desire is not enough for me, I need a few more key elements to help keep me going.

High on the list of additional items is 'Self Control' - setting myself limitations, boundaries etc is not going to cut it, I have to be mindful I don't self-sabotage myself in the process! Taking it easy on myself when I stuff up and forgiving myself when I have a moment, is some days easier said than done.

This why I need 'Willpower' and like any other muscle in my body this one is the hardest to exercise. Oh I am full of motivation and desire to succeed - it's actually getting off my butt and actually doing it that's the hard part.
For example, today I really needed to get myself to the gym, this for me lately is the most difficult. I find it's getting there that's the hardest, the workout is easy and I love the feeling I get after a good session - but getting there - boy oh boy that's just a struggle some days!

I guess this is where my old nemesis 'Discipline' steps in and to be honest, I always get this one mixed up with 'Habit' - my habit's are far from disciplined and to be perfectly honest, it takes discipline to avoid my habits!!!

Confused yet? Tell me about it!

Hugs Andie

[trishieness]

Same thing here. Having a hard time to get to exercise. Too lazy but after doing it, it really made me feel so much better. But still, doing the first move can be really hard but you're right, in the long run, you'll create that habit, and each move would be less and less difficult.

You can do it Andie. Trust your guts. Currently, I took advantage that in Cohen, it's not required to exercise, so I'm holding on to that right now. I just keep walking and walking for the past few months OP.

I believe that we are here not to live alone but to have each other's back, helping one another to succeed. And for the times you feel so weak and hopeless, God can give you the strength and comfort you need. It's not easy to depend on our own strength each time, we are limited with this capability.

I hope you have an amazing first week at work! Congrats to you! I love you darl! xoxo

[Andie27]

Thanks darling, you always know what to say to make me feel better. Thanks for having my back, cos I have got yours too!
First week back at work was aweaome. I felt like I have a purpose. A great feeling.
Love and hugs Andie

[trishieness]

Yes, you surely have an amazing purpose in life. And your weakness has turned into strength because you've been such a fighter. Slowly you'll overcome every bad thing you can ever think of about yourself and you'll emerge to be the best person you can be. Not only will you be beautiful physically, but your heart will be cleansed and your inner self would be happy to welcome the NEW YOU. xoxo

[Andie27]

Thank you darling. I really missed you big time too!
You're the best. Hugs Andie

[Tes]

I agree with Trish just focus on the plan for now. Park far away in the car park at the grocers walk up stairs and not escalators but dont push too much you are going to lose this weight without this energy depleting activity. Ive done it a few times and i must be honest it leaves me very exhausted. In the middle where you are now i had stax of energy but where i am now i just feel so tired. I have a book with toning for home its all i can do this week. Trying to think of what else motivates. Taking pics of yourself helps. You can see what you like at the same time as seeing what you are wanting to work on through the plan. That cossie pic i posted did the trick for me at dinner tonight😁

[WhereAmI?]

What an inspiration!! You keep going and don't give up! It's great to read!! I can't wait to read more! It's day 3 for me and so great to read stories like yours, I feel your struggle, I've been down low before and get annoyed with my anxiety and depression but this time I'm going to try to understand my emotions and see what I can do to work through them, scary stuff, but with people like you around, it makes it easier! Thanks for sharing your story xo

[Andie27]

Hi Where Am I - thanks for stopping by my diary. It's the one thing that keeps me from going stir crazy. I used to be a 'bottler'. Bottle everything up, it's part of the reason I got sick. So am trying to get things out and let them go. I just don't have the head space or the heart space to keep them in anymore. It's also one of my key coping mechanisms.
I am so happy that you find my words so inspiring - you made my day. You can stop by anytime. Hugs Andie

[Andie27]

TGIF!
Am just about to get my feet pampered spa style and whilst I am sitting here soaking, I thought I would use this time wisely and update my diary cos this week has been full of challenges and I just don't have the head space.
So I have managed to hit an unofficial plateau - I got used to seeing the scales drop. Haven't seen them move in a week.
I think I know what the issue is, it's my love affair with mayo.
So I guess I should go without it for a while and see if it's the culprit. Dang it!
I also know that I ate too many crispbread in one sitting and didn't weigh my vege a few times and am now paying for it with no movement on the scales. Arrgh come on. So frustrating.
My week at work was amazing. I'm actually happy to get up in the morning because I get to work with some amazing and talented people. They are so down to earth, have a great sense of humor and appreciate my expertise
Getting my ass to the gym has been a real struggle but I managed to get there and feel better for it. I would probably feel worse if didn't go so a double edged sword there.
I have been battling temptation at work with the morning teas and all the baking everyone does. I am always hiding behind my apple and I eat it so slowly, I reckon if there was such a category, I would hold the world record.
I also know that I haven't been drinking as much water as I should - I just get so distracted by my work that before I know it, the morning has gone and it's time for lunch - so naughty.
I've also been experiencing headaches, feels like my detox ones - wouldn't be surprised if this is also contributing. Hmmm, insert chin rub.
I have managed to achieve all of my short term goals this month - that's worth celebrating (hence the foot spa) so it's time to do another one this weekend.
Have a great weekend everyone.
Hugs Andie

[Andie27]

What is WILLPOWER?

Yep, that's right, I'm at it again, trying clear out the head space in the hope that it will make way for more important things, like what time can I eat again, what am I going to eat, you know major issues, giving myself a talking to about thinking of deviating yada yada yada... then I'm making sure I am stringent with weighing my food, keeping track of my water intake, trying to get through the every day operational tasks of a fully functioning upstanding member of the community. speaking of which, I think I got pinged by a speed camera the other day - great, just what I need a speeding fine - not so upstanding now huh! LOL!

I'm exhausted just thinking about all the things I have to remember to obtain the most important outcome of weight loss (it's why I'm here afterall) and I got to wondering - WHAT is WILLPOWER? Hmm, time to insert a chin rub. Everyone says it, everyone wants it, everyone wishes they had more of it - but what is it?

For those of you that visit me often are aware how much I need to break things down, unpack them if you will, to make sure that I fully understand exactly what it is I need to be successful in this venture. If it helps others then that's an added bonus, so here's what I reckon willpower is...

I reckon that we use many different words to describe willpower and they're common enough, we use them all the time, strong positive words that strike a chord in us in one way shape or form. Words that invoke action that make you want to get off your ass and go to the gym, strong and purposeful words like: determination, drive, resolve, self-discipline, self-control...you get the idea.

I read somewhere that willpower can be defined as 'the ability to delay gratification, resisting short-term temptations in order to meet long-term goals. Well slap me silly and call me crazy, cos I reckon that hit the nail pretty much smack bang on the head. This just sums up everything I have been thinking about this week as I have struggled this week to remain focused.

Then I asked my psych and to be honest, I'm glad I did cos she reckons that willpower is the capacity to override an unwanted thought, feeling or impulse! Of course it is - it's just that freakin simple to do! NOT! Well this just gets better, where in the hell is my override button!! I mean, I just wish I could keep flicking that switch every single bloody time an unwanted thought enters my head. To be honest, I think mine is broken - why I gotta get the broke one? I probably broke it flicking the dang thing on and off all the time!

Then I thought, I might need to make a more conscious effort to regulate myself afterall I have a limited resource (willpower) capable of being depleted. In short, I need willpower to get willpower and to maintain willpower...oh dear I don't know if this has helped me or made it worse. I need a bex and good lie down.

Anyway, I hope someone else is in the same boat as me.

Hugs for now
Andie

[Soleil]

I haven't caught up with everything in your diary but just thought to write this: you have lost 27,5kg!!!!!!!!! Seriously!!!!!!! Twentyseven and a half... Oh.My.God. I think you just became my god hahahahah!!!

What an amazing,amazing effort!!!!!! YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!!! How hard you have worked!!! You are over your half way mark now. DO NOT LET ANYONE OR ANYTHING STOP YOU!!!!!! Keep going!!!!!! I don't know you but I'm so PROUD of you I honestly have tears in my eyes....

Soleil xx

[Iamdoingthis]

Thank you for sharing your very personal and positive journey. You have come so far and should be so proud of yourself ☺ you are an amazing person! Love reading your thoughts and progress ☺ keep up your strength and brilliant work, you are worth it and more x

[Andie27]

Originally Posted by Soleil

I haven't caught up with everything in your diary but just thought to write this: you have lost 27,5kg!!!!!!!!! Seriously!!!!!!! Twentyseven and a half... Oh.My.God. I think you just became my god hahahahah!!!

What an amazing,amazing effort!!!!!! YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!!! How hard you have worked!!! You are over your half way mark now. DO NOT LET ANYONE OR ANYTHING STOP YOU!!!!!! Keep going!!!!!! I don't know you but I'm so PROUD of you I honestly have tears in my eyes....

Soleil xx

LOL! I don't think anyone has ever called me a god before! Thanks Soleil, yep seriously darl, I've lost that much - that's a little person in weight and I've got practically the same amount to go. So if you can imagine, I was a very big girl, my hubby calls me his GLAMAZON!! too funny. Soon I will be slimmer and flaunting my rockin bod! Look out world - here I come

I have been wrestling with a quite a lot and I know that I will achieve my goals. I'm the kind of person that once I set my mind to something, I don't stop until I achieve it. It's been hardwired into me, guess you could call me a bit of an overachiever. So as you can imagine, when I set my mind on punishing myself, well then I make sure I do a bloody good job of that too.

I've literally been to hell and back battling with depression and anxiety and two suicide attempts later and a addiction to self-harm (I'm a cutter) a lot of therapy and short term stints in a psych ward, I'm on the mend and I am coming back and I am on a mission! My mission is to be kind to myself, stay positive, fight for myself and what I believe in and don't let anyone's negativity impact on how I feel about myself. Cos, I am awesome, I am loving, kind and above all else, I am worthy of being fit, healthy and strong.

It's not all roses and lace, I have my bad days being on plan and keeping track of absolutely everything and I am ever so mindful that I could turn this into an obsession so, I need to make sure that I am constantly educating myself about my feelings, thoughts and emotions. It just helps me understand my inner being and in turn this helps me to love myself in return.

I'm also the kind of person that does a lot of reflection - sometimes, too much to the point where I over analyse myself and my behavior. I'm constantly aware of the impact that I have on others and I want to ensure that every interaction I have with another person is a positive one. That's just who I am and how I want to be. So, when someone else is telling me what you have, I glow inside and out, this just makes my day and even now, I just can't stop smiling - and who would want to, smiling makes me feel good!

When someone like you sends me a thoughtful, loving and kind message (and you don't know me from a bar of soap) it just makes me realise that there are other people out there that like to 'pay it forward' just like I do. So, thank you darl for being proud of me and having a little tear in your eye - that's so sweet and touching - to have that affect on someone is the reason why I am documenting my journey. Thank you for sharing, I really really appreciate it.

Big hugs - Andie

[Andie27]

Originally Posted by Iamdoingthis

Thank you for sharing your very personal and positive journey. You have come so far and should be so proud of yourself ☺ you are an amazing person! Love reading your thoughts and progress ☺ keep up your strength and brilliant work, you are worth it and more x

Hi IADT! Thank you for stopping by and leaving me such a lovely message. I am proud of myself, I have to remember to look at how far I've come some days rather than looking at how far I have to go It's a habit that I'm trying to break. You're so sweet and your words are very much appreciated.
Hugs Andie

[Andie27]

Getting ready for work and I'm feeling a bit strange. I think I may have seen mu ribs as I stretched to put a shirt on! Wow, that is a strange feeling. I can only imagine what it will be like when I see my "downtown" again! Is that TMI????
LMFAO Hugs Andie

[WhereAmI?]

LOL! It's so exciting as we discover different things about our bodies again!! You are doing so well and you wouldn't be human if you didn't have some bad days, I'm inspired again by your words, you have come so far and I know what anxiety and depression is like, mine was masked with booze so right now I'm having to face things head on without chugging a bottle of wine or gin hahaha!! Keep up the fantastic work!! XO