heidimama's Diary

[manilamommy]

Dear Heidimama,

Oh sweetheart, Ive spent the last hour or so going through your diary and the last couple of weeks sound pretty bad! Please get back on the bus, because falling off was the worst thing that can happen --- I know this because it happened to me 5 years ago. And I hated it! When I lost my pretty Cohen bubble (the zone, the balanced hormones, our happy place), I went totally ballistic on food binges. Downed boxes of crispbreads, tubs of yoghurt, chips, chocolates, you name it! I even found myself sitting on the kitchen floor, stuffing myself with crap. IT WAS NOT PRETTY.

It took alot of digging deep and lots of hugs and words of encouragement from the people in this forum but I eventually made it back on the bus. I was crawling (barely) across the finish line and it left a serious mark. Although I eventually finished refeed, and generally stayed on the thinner(ish) side, I had a left-over food complex. And 5 years later, here I am again back in square 1. Id like to think I learned from my first round of Cohen, and have a more "mature" attitude towards food and health. And the vigilance of the Swiss Guard. But, we´ll see, Im just on my day 18.

And although you´ve just gained 2kg, please be extra careful. The 2kg can easily balloon up to 10. And that risk just costs too much. Dont go down that road. Read my diary. I was so full of it, and I bombed out. Big time.

Sorry to be such a Debbie downer... but your last couple of posts (and absence from the forum), just rang so many bells in my head, and Im near tears for you. You´ve been doing so well. Get back on the bus. Grab our hand and lets get going.

Hugs to you,
MM

PS. If Im over reading your posts, just dont mind me. Im also going coocoo crazy because my scale is just not moving much. Grrr.

[Heidimama]

Hi Louise and manilamommy,

Thank you both for your visits.

Louise, you can relate to the work woes: one of those two crazy monsters at work has been behaving particularly harshly toward me, prompting others to notice and comment now. But nothing will be done. So while I feel less alone, it is still really tiresome.

manilamommy, what can I say? You are absolutely right and I REALLY appreciate your sharing your experience and wisdom with me. I have read through a lot of your diary and identify with so much of what you felt/feel. And no, you are not overstepping or reading too much into my posts. If i can say, I think many of us are here in part because we are emotional eaters, so we can recognize the patterns in each other.

I haven't been sticking to plan, but I have not been bingeing, thank God - I am down about 200g, which is nothing. I looked at my body tonight after my bath and cannot believe the difference 2 kilos can make! Not happy. Clothes are still fine, but c'mon.

I have been obsessing about that idiot at work when I need to put that mind power to my own weight and how nice it will be to be thin as the weather warms up, how nice it is to have balanced hormones. I need to get back into the habit and feeling vain again.

So I am starting again tomorrow. I know you will be here. I will be accountable.

[Soon2BSlim]

Hi Michelle

I'm sorry to hear you are still having such hassels at work! Is there any way you can report your bully to higher ups? I know it doesn't always work (as with mine) but at least you know that you have been able to talk about the bullying to someone who may be able to do something about it. If you can't do it within the organisation you work for, is there an outside organisation/union/ombudsman who can help? It's really not okay for people to bully others in the workplace (or anywhere for that matter). Mine has eased off a little for the time being and I'm starting to get the courage to "fight back" when she is nasty. It's an awful thing to be bullied and kills your self worth like nothing else does but if we can get the courage to resist and fight back then I believe that bullies do tend to back off a bit. It's just so hard getting to that place of fighting back.

Anyway, just know that I am thinking about you and wishing only good things for you.

Well done on not bingeing - it's a great step in the right direction and shows wonderful self control. You can do this and we are here for you!

<3

Louise

[Heidimama]

Big hugs, Louise. Thank you for the sympathy and counsel. You are right, the bullying is unacceptable, but it doesn't affect my self-esteem because I have zero respect for him and believe he has a serious mental illness. It is the unpredictable-yet-predictable nature of it (moon cycles?) that is unnerving. He is a true narcissist. Because I have limited our face-to-face contact since the first incident happened, he has to do this bullying by email so all is documented. So that is where I am getting the comments and support. Any encounter with him where you disagree is like pig wrestling (you both get dirty and the pig likes it) so I write nothing except 'thank you for the advice'. It infuriates him (yes, I can be passive-aggressive if I dislike you) and keeps my side of the street clean should it ever come down to a legal case. His weaponized emails really could come back to haunt him, the idiot, if I chose to go that route. I only plan to do one more year there (save some money and makes some plans) and plan to leave before then if it becomes untenable. I am relieved now to be talking to family, friends, and co-workers about it.

Today has not been a perfect Cohen day - too many crackers. But I am getting there. Weight stable.

I have a frozen Cohen meal to heat up for breakfast in the AM.

I hope your bully is not mentally ill and that she will continue to ease off. Do you think you will stay there for a long time? Or do you see it ending someday soon?

Here is hoping all goes well for you at work and with the plan.

[Soon2BSlim]

Hey Michelle, it's good to hear that you have documented evidence against your bully should you ever need it. It's also good that you have been able to limit your face to face contact

Personally, I have to deal with my bully every day I go into work but the surprising thing is that she is now being treated by her new superior as she was treating me! The change in her has come since that started. I have been with the company 5 years and she has been my manager for 2. It's a position with a high turnover so I have been hoping she would leave sooner rather than later. Because she doesn't like the way she is being treated by her superior she has been asking about a transfer! The funny thing is that because she is being nicer for now, I feel like I can continue working under her and have even had the courage to "fight back" a few times when she has been unreasonable. At the moment it's a 'wait and see' for me

I'm glad you're getting back on track with Cohen's and that your weight is stable. We always feel so much better when we are eating properly.

Hope you're having a great day.

Louise

[manilamommy]

Hi Heidimama,
Just wanted to pop in here to let you know that its ¨see how you eat eat¨app. Hope things are doing well!
Cheers, MM

[Soon2BSlim]

Hi Michelle

How are you doing? I'm missing your posts Hope everything is going well and that you are managing to get back on track. I know how hard it can be, especially on your own, so come back to the forum and chat to us and let us help you find your happy groove again

No judgements ever!

Louise

[Heidimama]

Thanks for the supportive visits, MM and Louise. I am sorry for being gone for so long- I just could not find my mojo. Allergies, work, worries, the f-its, insert excuses here.

I did well yesterday and was happy to see the scale move down a kilo this AM. I am doing well today - just about to have my M2 lunch. Taking it very easy and putting all my thoughts on the plan and doing what I need to to stick to it. I have a slight headache, which could be allergies or from rubbish withdrawal.

Cautiously optimistic, as you can see. One day at a time. My accountability here and your support should help as much as it did before. Thank you.

[Soon2BSlim]

Yay!! You're back and a kilo loss to encourage you One meal at a time, one day at a time - you can do this. You're not far off your goal, just a little longer and you will be there and into maintenance

I look forward to your updates <3 <3

Louise

[Heidimama]

Hi Louise!

Thank you for the continued encouragement. Down another 0.7 kg this AM. Enjoying the big losses now as they do slow down soon.

Was feeling hungry before lunch so ate an apple and then went for a nice walk. Apples, despite the high sugars/carbs, really do fill me up.

It feels good to be eating real food again.

[Soon2BSlim]

So proud of you Michelle and yay for another good loss overnight

Louise

[Heidimama]

Thank you, Louise! I forgot to post yesterday. Guess what? My work bully has stepped down from his supervisory role. He will still be around, working on a committee with me, which will give him plenty of opportunities to create mischief. I am breathing a little easier, but still very wary of him. He is a very angry and vindictive person, with the emotional maturity of a petulant teenager. Just sorry I couldn't see it before taking this job. People can really hide their crazy very well.

Anyway, down another 0.3kg yesterday, but up 0.2kg this morning. I had my M1 for dinner at 8pm, and no BM so that might be why. I look slimmer, and feel good, so not bothered. It is funny how fast I have started feeing cold again, not having quite lost 2kg yet. Brrr.

[Kohinoor]

Hi Heidimama,

It is funny how fast I have started feeling cold again, not having quite lost 2kg yet.

Perfectly natural though - many think it is because of losing their insulation as the fat disappears - but the over-arching reason is that more than 50% of our "body heating" comes from the digestion of food.

THAT is why driving after eating a big lunch is SO dangerous - we feel "warm and comfortable", and our eyelids start drooping..... etc.

All of those "on Plan" face this "being cold", even while they might still be quite big, as the amount of food they eat is now WAY less than it was before.

Less fuel = less heat !!

Rug up and smile - it is working as it should.

Koh

PS Some good news re the bully at work. The other good news comes from within you.

Think about whether he, or his opinion, is in any way important to you - if not, then don't allow his petulance to have any sway over how YOU react.

[Soon2BSlim]

That's great news about your workplace bully Michelle!! Maybe now that he's not in such a position of power, he will pull his head in

So glad you're on your losing streak again too You've got this!!



Louise

[Heidimama]

Hi Koh! Hi Louise!

Koh, what an honor to have you post in my diary! I have read and re-read your words of wisdom and support over the years as a lurker and now a member here, and never dreamed I would be communicating with you. Thank you so much for your encouragement I love that quote from Mrs Roosevelt. And thanks for the explanation about the sudden cold feeling - makes perfect sense.

Thanks to you Louise. Who knows what the bully will do next? But frankly, I am trying my hardest to keep my emotional investments elsewhere (with family and friends), not at work. It is not always possible, though, but I do rein my thoughts in when I am aware that that is where my mind is. I am going on a UK trip next week and having some apprehension about that. As I am about whether to quit the job later this year. But that is all future-tripping, and I need to stay in the present.

Sooo... I have had a couple of days off plan - I have to be honest, as much as I would like to come here with a different tale. I am up 1 kg. I have been feeling low - when the hay fever gets bad, I feel very, very blue and negative. And for a person like me, rubbish picks me up quickly. I know the spirit-lifting effect is temporary and that rubbish is actually detrimental in the longer run, but it is where I turn. I am truly sorry to anyone who is struggling and reading this, but this self-sabotage/self-defeating behavior is part of my story.

I have had my M3 breakfast, feel very satisfied, and am going to settle on the sofa with TV and a book.

[Kristine..]

Hey Heidimama

Oooh! A trip to UK! you will zoom in to Heathrow smack bang into their ...... Spring!

Well, Spring as per the Calendar, don't know whether the weather has been told about Spring as yet! But then again, it is now hovering around 15 degrees so I guess that is considered to be warm-ish for UK ... depending on where you will actually be!

We gave Grand Twins in London and seem to be always going to, coming from, or planning the next trip!

Airline meals (minus the bread roll) are just about what we should all be eating and you can easily request special meals once you have confirmed your booking.

Not sure what your apprehension about the trip is, but if the trip is for a holiday, I hope you enjoy your time there, if the trip is for work, the sames wishes apply without the price tag!

Either way, enjoy this unique opportunity and Happy Airline Miles!!

Lotsa love
Kristine

[Soon2BSlim]

Hi Michelle

I'm so glad you're still posting despite your deviation. In the past it would have bothered me a great deal as reading about deviations invariably set me off on my own. I'm happy to say that this is no longer the case and while I don't advocate deviations I do know that life happens and once you have made a choice to eat foods off plan it is extremely hard to get back onto the straight and narrow. That's why I'm so glad you're still posting here instead of hiding away and feeling guilty and pretending it didn't happen. If you're still keen on getting to goal and following the plan then this is the place to come for motivation and a kick in the pants if needed The kick would be lovingly done of course

I hope you enjoy the trip to the UK - whether it's for pleasure or work and that the long flight gives you time for reflection about your future with the company. Many years ago I had been sent on an expensive course for the company I worked for and they had to arrange a driver to take me to a venue 2 hours drive away and bring me home again and as the course extended over a couple of weeks the drive had to be done a few times. Long story short - they spent quite a few $$ on me. Then ... not long after that, I decided to quit the job. I had been feeling guilty because of the training I had just received at great expense but someone put it in perspective for me by saying that I had worked for the company for x years and spent lots of extra time working at weekends etc. for no extra pay and they didn't feel guilty so it balanced out (or something to that effect). Anyway, it gave me the freedom in my mind to leave without the guilt.

So... if you do decide to leave the company you are with, do it knowing that you have put in your best and just as they are free to dismiss you for poor performance, you are welcome to leave if you are no longer finding fulfilment there. Don't feel guilty, it's part of the work cycle As you say too, it's in the future, so take it one day at a time and worry about the future when it gets there

Hope you have a lovely positive week.

Louise

[Heidimama]

Thanks very much Kristine, for the really good advice. The trip is half-business/half-pleasure and the timing is what I am not thrilled about.

Goodness, Louise, here I am eating my M3 breakfast and ready to cry after reading your message. How did you know exactly what I needed to hear, and how to say it perfectly? Your empathy is amazing. I am seriously wondering if you have ever considered a career in counseling. I have to run, and will write again at the end of the day, but thank you, thank you, thank you. Big virtual hugs.

[manilamommy]

Hi Heidimama!
We're here for you to support you, nag you, bug you, and hopefully, inspire you to stay on the bus.
Nobody's perfect, and we've all had our bad days and have been off the bus so many times. But we're still here. And the important part is you're still here too! We all have to be pushing ourselves each day to win the fat battle.

That vicious cycle of deviating and craving more and triggering hunger is tough one to break. And it takes time for cravings to die down. Probably 1-2 weeks without deviations, right? So in that time it definitely takes willpower. Use the power of distraction to make it through cravings. You can do it.

Cheers,
MM

[Heidimama]

Hi MM! Thank you very much for not giving up on me. I really appreciate it. Cannot believe April will be here tomorrow. Going to make another attempt to get back on the wagon. I am surprised that I haven't gained more weight, for which I am grateful, but I do not feel as good as I did when following the plan. After the hunger dissipated, I felt invincible. I don't need to tell you lot that, though, you know!

I enjoyed my trip, walked a lot, thanks to the surprisingly nice weather most days, tried to have protein and salads when I could, but scarfed down more than a few treats. As I did today.

April 1. Meetings all day tomorrow, but will start the day with a meat and veg, and pack a similar lunch.

New strategy: I will be going to an event the last weekend in May, and my goal is to wear my size 28 jeans on the second day. I can zip the jeans up now, barely, but with a helluva muffin top, and the zip just wants to slid down under the pressure. Oh my! I want to slip them on and be comfy in them. Going to have hung them in my room and written "JEANS" on the little whiteboard on my fridge. No scales.

I feel like erasing what I have just written, to be honest, because what if I fail? But that is self-defeating thinking. I can do it, no matter what.

Going to read your diaries.