Where Am I?

[WhereAmI?]

I'd love to see your work too Andie! I used to paint and have always enjoyed doodling but it's funny how you stop doing all these things when you are unhappy. I used to have 'paint parties' where I would get my girlfriends over and we would paint and listen to music, it was so much fun!!
Back at work today, winter is starting to kick in but I wont be buying any jumpers/ jackets yet, I'm waiting until I start shrinking

[WhereAmI?]

This forum is sooooo much quieter than what it used to be, there were people on all the time talking, I wonder what happened? Still, I love reading everyone's diaries and getting reminders on how exciting this journey is
My weigh in is tomorrow (OR my measurement day at this stage until I can handle looking at the scales hehehe)
I had some sugar free lollies, don't know why, wasn't craving them, I had this awful onion taste in my mouth though and I avoid chewing gum because it makes me hungry, I think, just to be safe, I will do chewing gum next time though, hopefully these lollies haven't set me back because I haven't deviated at all since I started until these damn lollies!

[Andie27]

Good luck with the measurements tomorrow. Hope you see some amazing results.
Hugs Andie

[WhereAmI?]

Well, time for me to lay it all out..... Look back at this and see how far I will have come because there is no going back, you are doing this and it's changing your life for the better....
REMINDER to self- its been over a year now since Ben moved here and made your life a complete living hell, last year I spent my time drinking and eating to cope with his mood swings, he said before he moved that he might have depression- this isn't depression, it's bigger than that, but he wont get help and I bare the brunt of it. I've had to lock me and the fur kids in a room to get away from him when he is drunk, I've been told I am the most horrible person on the planet, I'm a filthy pig, I'm stupid, I'm ugly, fat, lazy...... things that, at my age, I don't need any more, his words have cut so deep, he's made me drink soooooooo much, eat soooooo much that I lost myself, I was a wreck, up until about a month ago when I finally got the Cohen's determination bug I was done, I had nothing (he would tell me this anyway) and I was so tired and a nervous wreck!!!!!
ANYWAY, flash forward to now, we got our 2 months notice to vacate the house we are in Monday, I've been so broke but I think the timing is perfect, I should get my tax refund and it will pay for the move.......
Lately when he spits it at me (like Sunday night for example when he was drunk and had the hiccups for an hour so was screaming at me that I was f*ing hopeless since my way of getting rid of hiccups didn't work) I am calm and just say 'I can't wait to get away from you, I don't need to listen to your **** spits' and I am calm, I don't let him upset me.......
So last night he asked what I was doing when the lease is up, I said 'I'll find my own place, you will be so much happoier without the stress of having me around' (I'm trying to sell it to him that it's his idea and it's all my fault his life sux). He wanted to move into ANOTHER house with me but live downstairs, apparently to 'help me out'!!!!!!!!!! I said no, he lost his **** again and kept waking me all through the night drunk to call me names, **** monkey was one name, that was a new one................ UUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I hate him, he has wasted my time and energy and I'm done with being with someone, I only ever find horrid men who treat me like crap BUT NEVER in my life have I met someone like him, so childish, nasty and WEIRD, he can wake up one day and start screaming at me for not having the common sense to know he wanted to sleep in and because he woke up its my fault............. CRAZY! I feel sorry for him, I do, but I tried to get him help, I even went to a support group for bipolar since his mother has it so I thought he could potentially have it too but I'm done, I can't wait to get out, block his calls and be alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry for boring people, I'll go back to my Cohen's journey now I lost 11cms this week, my clothes that I a wearing for my weight loss pics are loose on me now (in only 2 weeks!!) and I've not been feeling depressed, some anxiety, but thats understandable when you wonder if the psycho you live with might attack you during the night when he is off on his temper tantrum............... I'm proud of my efforts since it could be easy for me to shovel the lollies I look at nightly down my throat but I'm done with feeling like garbage, I'm feeling better now than I have in ages!!

[WhereAmI?]

Mother Trucker am I hungry today....... I'm guessing this is because I'm tired from being woken up by a drunk all night who had important things to say to me...... soooooo tired, feel like I could eat a whole 500g pack of party lollies, you know the ones, the mixed lollies, or even chow down on a whole packet of crisp breads LOL!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE UNIVERSE, I know positive things are happening to me now and that's why I got the 2 months notice, please let me stay strong and get the old me back!!! I'm tired but I'm going to need my strength because I still have another possible 7 1/2 weeks to get through of the cycle of abuse with Ben and I'm going to need my strength because he will be throwing everything at me from trying to be nice through to threatening me with violence, I know the cycle, he's like a text book, I need to follow my diet more than ever now to give me the strength to ignore him and not let him hurt me any more, he's done way more damage than I should have ever let him- remember you were in hospital for 3 weeks last year because you were wiped o ut from his abuse!!!
P.S. self- happily I know you wouldn't EVER think of giving him another chance, you just have to get through the emotional abuise, the words he will use to try to make you feel fat, ugly and insignificant...... you can do this!!! Before you know it you are going to be in a nice little 2 bedroom home with the fur babies and you will be soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[davidsmith]

It's nice to read your story. You know I suffered as well from anxiety before. Thankfully, I found techniques on how to manage my anxiety effectively.

When you get anxious, the first thing you do is to take a deep breath and then focus on more important activities. Don’t sit around focusing on being anxious; make sure you get busy with more meaningful activities.

[WhereAmI?]

Thanks Davidsmith, I'm going to try that tonight when he gets home from work!! I'm so tired so hopefully I'll get an early night tonight I hate anxiety, but I'm feeling much better already and I'm only 2 weeks in

[trishieness]

hi whereami, i have been silently following your diary and it saddens me to know that you've been going through bad times with this man. You absolutely do not deserve this and I pray that God will lead you to a place you should perfectly be.

You are such a strong woman for staying OP despite of the challenges you are facing in life. I hope that no matter how hard life seems to be for you, you'd still see the good in it, that there's a light at the end of the tunnel waiting for you.

[davidsmith]

You're always welcome..

Hope it will you help you a lot too. Just take a good rest always.

[WhereAmI?]

Well it's been a long weekend and I have been naughty, but in a different way than you would expect!!! I've had a headache, back ache and tummy problems since Wedensday so I've had trouble sleeping, o for the last 2 mornings I have slept in and skipped breakfast!! I can't help it, I feel like garbage and I hope this hasn't set me back 😢 I wish it would go away but maybe this is because it's that TOM and since I was always feeling like garbage from all the booze and food, this weekend is the reality of what I get because of my endometriosis...... That's ok, I can handle it, I haven't been gorging on food so that's a plus, I did eat a few sugar free lollies but I was punished for that (those of you who have done it will know what I mean &#128521
Anywho, I recorded Bens drunken abuse and I dealt with it calmly and now he's hiding in his room thinking I'll forget everything if he doesn't talk about it!!!
So I've been doing well with food otherwise, I just hope whatever I have making me feel ill goes away soon because I'm broke so I have to go to work tomorrow, I had to do something I'm not proud of by using the company credit card to pay for an emergency vet and I need to get my pay this week and return the money because I've never been this broke, it's humiliating and exhausting and, to be honest, another reason why I need to skip meals since I've nearly run out of proteins so I need to save my meals for when I'm really hungry....... My poor babies haven't been walked this weekend, they've been cuddled but not walked, I feel so bad and will be trying to take them today.

[Tes]

Hi where am I

Its so difficult to know how to support you here because you are in such an abusive situation that no one should endure for even one minute. Every human being deserves to be treated decently and by staying you are continuing to allow this behavior. Since you have such bad financial problems i understand that this is out of desperation but i do wish you had a safer place to be while you try to make these changes. You are starting to dig yourself out of this situation and putting your health first will also help you mentally to deal with all these hard decisions. You are doing the right thing here . Keep moving forward and strength and good luck to you.

[WhereAmI?]

Thanks Tess, I don't mean to make people uncomfortable by talking about this situation, I'm more doing this so I can reflect when I finally get out that I never want to be so low again that I will allow myself to be healthy and happy and I won't look back. I'm on the countdown now to bigger and brighter things and as long as I have my fur babies then I can get through anything 😍 I feel stronger already just by being healthier and starting to lose weight, things are just going to keep getting bigger and better for me 😄😄😄

[Andie27]

Hey Where Am I.
I am going to back Tes up on this for sure. Am super worried about your safety. This guy sounds like a tool and that he's got some serious alcohol abuse and is a mean drunk.
Don't you ever think that anything he says about you is true he's a nasty piece of work. People like this are projecting their own insecurities on to the vulnerable and they are the biggest bullies.
You are being so strong by not fuelling the fire and in fact your best revenge is to stick to your program and to look and feel good. You go girl. You will find the perfect place for you and your fur babies I can feel it. The time is right for you to spread your wings and emerge as the beautiful person you are.
Thinking of you.
Hugs Andie

[Tes]

Hey Where Am I

You absolutely dont make me uncomfortable and please vent away its what helps. Just not sure how much of my - you dont deserve this behaviour - ranting you could take or whether or not I would be offending you - so I went with my gut that you could cope with it. Now I know how I can chat with you about this.

Please be safe

X

[WhereAmI?]

So I have a sinus infection, that explains my 5 days of bad headaches!!! Hopefully the antibiotics kick in soon!! WOW!!!!!!!! I want to be better this weekend so I can start doing house inspections, I'm so excited, I don't care if I move into a crappy shack, just as long as my babies are fenced in securely and nobody can gain access when I'm not home- I'm SUPER OTT when it comes to my English Bull Terriers!!! Yes, people tell me I should feel safe because they look scary but the problem is they get stolen for dog fighting, I'd die if that happened, my babies are the biggest sooks and i hate even going away for a few days without them!!! So I'm looking for a home with high fences that I can lock when I am not home!!!
Three weeks on the program this Thursday, it can't come quick enough, maybe because I'm scared that being sick over the weekend has set me back, I just feel like I'm behind the eight ball but then again it's probably my headache/ lack of rest thats making me feel this way!!! Yeah having to deal with the idiot all weekend didn't help but I got through it, I didn't react and I didn't let him make me cry or get upset............. things are chinging for this girl and I'm just going to keep getting stronger!!
Time for me to read everyone else diaries and see what you guys have been up to!

[Andie27]

That's the spirit darl. Hope you feel better soon. Hugs Andie

[WhereAmI?]

UUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'm not feeling any better, bad headaches, runny/ blocked nose (it changes every half an hour) and sooooo tired but I only get paid for the hours I am at work and can't afford to be sick so I'm here, I'm not necessarily capable of doing much but I'm staying put!! End of week 3 today and a total of 45 cms or so gone! I'm not feeling great though so I'm not all that excited, I don't see or feel a big difference but thats also because I'm sick and tired I suppose, I still only see this fat blob and I am scared I am not losing weight but wont stand on the scales, no way, I'm very delicate, anything today could make me cry!!!
I'm meant to go back to the doc Sunday but I am thinking maybe tomorrow, I don't know, in the past antibiotics normally help me start feeling better quickly and this is day 3 so maybe I just have to be patient?!?!?
DAMN this infection, its making me feel helpless, hopefully psycho housemate doesn't try to pounce while he sees how vulnerable I feel
Come on missy, pick up your act, I know it feels like nothing is happening but look back and see what has changed in the last 3 weeks! You are eating so much better, you aren't drinking and trying to drown your sorrows and you are losing weight, don't let your mind play these games!!

[Andie27]

OH WOW 45 cms GONESKI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sweetheart, that's incredible. What an amazing job. You're going great and you're going to look hot az for summer. Am so so happy for you. Sorry to hear that you're not feeling well. I hope you feel better soon. What an inspiration you are. You my darling are stronger than you think and have proven how tough you can be vy what you have achieved despite the situation you are in. You have taken back your power I hope you realize this. I understand that you are feeling emotional today but you're not alone ok. Am here for you sweetheart. Please take care and try to avoid idiot-boy as much as possible. Thinking of you.
Hugs Andie

[WhereAmI?]

Thanks Andie XO it's nice having people here to talk to- you know its such a personal thing that our gang on here understand but we can't explain to others!! I went to the chemist this morning and asked for the strongest sinus pills they can give me to help with the pain and guess what, I have top ride it out, there's nothing else they can do and I will have to get more antibiotics this is HORRIBLE!!!!!!!! AND since kitty had a cat flu last week my 2 other cats have it now and my girl bully has the sneezes too!!!!!!!!! OH we are a picture of health in my house!! All huddled on the couch sniffing, sneezing and coughing!!!!!!! HOW MUCH LONGER ARE WE GOING TO BE ENDURING THIS?!?!?!?!?!
Anywho.............. anyday now I'm looking forward to waking up and feeling better and getting back to being happy and excited about my Cohen's journey!!!!!!! I've booked my weigh in at the clinic on the 22nd EEEEEKKKKKKKKK, she's not allowed to tell me my weight BUT I will allow her to say 'congrats, you've lost over 10kgs' hehehehehehe!! Trying a different way this time around, I want this off for life, trying not to focus on kgs but cms..........................
I'll head over to your diaies and catch up!! See you soon, have a super Friday xoxoxoxo

[WhereAmI?]

I have just made the most monumental mess up EVER! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?! My anxiety is through the roof and want a drink sooooooooo bad!!!!!!! In all my professional life I've never done something so stupid but because of autofill and my crappy observations I sent a confidential work document to an employee who will send it to everyone. I deserve to be sacked over that, I wouldn't blame them. I feel like crawling into a hole