The Best Version of Myself

[StrongerThanSheKnows]

I love hearing from you guys! Thank you for making me feel like I'm not all alone out here!!!
This past weekend was extremely tough. The diet went fine, I was so busy that it didn't bother me too much.
But emotionally, by the end, I'd just had it and then kind of blamed my yuck feelings on the diet. The truth is, I have a lot on unfinished, unspoken business with my step mom and every time I'm around her, I leave feeling pretty darn crappy about myself.
She's always been obsessed with how she and every other woman in the world looks. Given that, I thought maybe seeing me succeeding and working so hard to lose my pregnancy weight, she'd offer some encouragement. Ha! Nice idea but no way did that happen.
She showed no interest in the diet and how I'm doing and then made me feel bad every time I had to say no to food everyone else was eating.
On top of that, she constantly judges my parenting and seems to think my child isn't being disciplined enough. (She's not even two yet!)
Anyway, all the negativity definitely got to me. I'm relieved to be home and away from it.
Good news...I weighed in for 4 weeks and I'm down more than 17 lbs!!!! (7.8 kg) Wahoo!!! More than I'd hoped for. I also did a little shopping and got a smaller size! YAY!!!!
My honey and I are off for a weekend away without the kiddo. Looking forward to the time. I'll be bringing my scale and weigh food at the restaurants so I'm sure they'll be some deviation buy hopefully minimized as best I can.
Does anyone else scoff at the goal weight they gave you? Mine is way lower (nearly 7 kg) than when I stopped last time!
I hope you're all hanging in there and just staying the course. We got this!

[mesmer_eyes]

wowzer! congratulations on the weight loss in 4wks!!

about your MIL, I don't have one yet but I've heard that's like pretty common for the MIL to be not so nice to their DILs? But I know it can be frustrating when someone makes you feel bad about yourself or just ruins your 'buzz', take it that she's the type that she will only believe what you are saying until you have actually done it. You know what, I have a feeling, when you get down close to your goal weight, she will also make you feel bad about that too (ie. you are too skinny, you don't look healthy.. etc. etc.), guess some people are just built that way. Don't let her get to you, you've got the Cohen Zone on your side now.. I don't know if this will make you feel better but yesterday I took a selfie in the bathroom to show my mom that I've lost weight already, and she said : "Oh yes, you did lose weight but your arms are still big!" jeez.. I grew up in a house like that.. from both parents.. either I get "child, you are really so beautiful, only if you lose 10 more pounds....." or "are you sure you are going to wear that (tube top for example)? you've got pretty broad shoulders, like a chalkboard!" damn.. parents.. anyway.. got to love them.. Im glad im an only child, if I had a brother.. his wife, well...

Its actually really quiet this time on the forum. Don't know what happened.

Keep going! Imfor you..

[Soleil]

Yes.... them mother in laws.... *sigh*

You are doing so well, this is YOUR journey, enjoy it, embrace it it, (and learn from it ) I think some of those yucky feelings popping up every now and then are perhaps also a little detox symptom going are you absolutely positively sure you do not want to feed me all those nasty things I'm so used to. We are of course way past the detox stage but anyway, I have those kind of days and think it could be that... maybe

With regards to the goal weight, I have never reached the lower range of my goal weight, even on my successful journey I stopped at the upper limit and I maintained successfully for a looong time until I fell pregnant and well that was it then. All the other times I get to a certain point and I'm like yes this is fine I'm happy with this and end up piling all the weight plus a little more every.single.time. I am now absolutely convinced that to have any chance of maintaining you do really need to get to the goal weight. For example my goal weight is 60kg-62kg. My personal 'happy weight' is 65-68kg the point at which I'm like yeah this is good enough. In order for me to be successful I absolutely need to get to 62kg, otherwise I know all of this effort I'm putting in now will be waisted once again. But your goal weight though, mine is now higher than what I had the first time. Perhaps is should be investigated as 7kg difference is a lot.... Mine is up by 2 kg from my previous plan.

Anyway, keep on trucking, enjoy your weekend away, I think you're doing fantastically!!!!!!

Soleil xx

[StrongerThanSheKnows]

Hey gals!

Thanks for the support! It's so nice to hear from you especially after having all that negativity around me last week.

Soleil, thanks for the feedback on the goal weight. I definitely hadn't considered that if I don't get to goal, I may have more trouble maintaining. I was kind of looking at it the other way actually. Like, how in the heck can I possibly maintain that low of a weight? The "good"? news is that I have plenty of time to figure that part out. It is certainly a problem for future thinner me. Lol.

As for my trip. This past weekend, I went away with my hubs. It was a great trip. I know I that even eating only Cohen foods, but ordering them from a restaurant, i still totally deviated. The good news is, I still feel good and on track. Normally, I really do vacations. Like go crazy every meal. We are super active, walking, swimming, surfing, so I can mostly get away with that (although still usually gain a little).

This time, we were still super active and I was extremely mindful about what I ate (protein, veges, fruit, crackers), keeping my five hours between meals, etc. I still ate bigger portions (totally did not weigh my food as I said I would, bad girl!) but all in all I'm proud of how well I did. Today is my second day home and back at weighing all my meals and eating like normal (diet normal). Not feeling any detox, that's nice. Now we are planning to be mostly home until Thanksgiving in November and everything should be much easier to manage diet wise.
I'm so relieved to feel so strongly committed to the plan. My biggest worry with the travel was that it would derail me mentally and I'd lose the momentum. So far, I feel on track and like I'm cruising again.

My consultant told me to postpone my blood test until I've been home and 100% for 2 weeks, so I'll do that. I'll probably still plan to weigh in once I get to the 8 week mark but not before that. For now, I'm wearing smaller pants and feeling good.

On a totally different topic, I was still breastfeeding my daughter a couple times a day (she's almost two, so it was more for comfort than nutrition). But being away for 4 days, we decided this was a good time to wean her. She's doing okay with it but it hit me emotionally. I didn't imagine that would happen. I thought I'd just be totally relieved to be free but I think it also made me realize that she's really growing up and doesn't need me in the same ways. Also, its just another body change to go through, in addition to the diet, so that could definitely be a factor, and of course TOM came at the same time. Sometimes being a woman really sucks. lol.

That's all for now. Thanks again for the support friends!!

[Bucklebunny]

Great going STSK - nice to read you had a great holiday & kept active and as Cohens compliant as you could. Sometimes it's just not possible to be 100% and honestly ....it doesn't seem to affect the weight loss too much.

[mesmer_eyes]

nice going STSK! you surely handled that vacation way better than I did

I remember a friend of mine who gave birth like maybe 8mos ago and she surely gained baby weight and then some . I asked her if she will go back on Cohen and she said its not recommended by the clinic for breastfeeding moms? (think I asked her around June). Don't know if that was true but hope that its ok for you and you baby? Just crossed my mind when I read about the breastfeeding part of your post.

On a different note - yay to the smaller pants! wooohoo! certainly feels good doesn't it? a DC cheers to you!

[StrongerThanSheKnows]

Thanks guys!!
Fingers crossed the weight loss doesn't slow too much!
Hey Mesmer- your friend is totally right. In fact, I don't think they would have given me a program if I admitted that I was still Bf-ing. I think the main concern is the diet can tank your milk supply. Since I've been wanting to wean her, and she's almost two and doesn't need the breast milk for nutrients anyway, I decided if that happened it would be okay. But, if breast milk was still my daughter's main source of nutrition, there's no way I would/could do the diet. Anyway, certainly the best sequence would be wean first, then diet. Learning that one the hard way. Hopefully, that clears it up a little bit. Thanks for looking out for us!
And yes, yes, cheers to smaller pants! Wahoo! DC's all around

[StrongerThanSheKnows]

I love fall. Fall weather is coming around, here in California. Every year, i just feel giddy at this time of year. Coffee, football games, colorful leaves, cool crisp air! It's just scrumptious! Of course usually I also love all the treats that come around and the impending holiday season too. But this year, I'm just savoring the non-food related goodies. Walks in the cool air, bringing out my cute fall boots and scarves (although kind of joke given our weather is so mild), the time for family and friends. I just love it! It's also nice to think that in a few short months, I can proudly, confidently, actively enjoy my life, and my body. In fact, I'm already starting to feel that confidence coming back.
Feeling perky, and thought I'd try and spread it around. Lol.
I Hope everyone is having a nice day.

[Soon2BSlim]

I love your post! You sound so positive and happy and looking forward to fall - or what we call autumn in Australia I'm looking forward to summer as I'm not a fan of the cold months and can't wait to feel a little warm sun on my skin again.

And well done for making a point of enjoying the non food related goodness about this season! So many of our occasions are marked with food and too much of it that it's no wonder we have problems Definitely time to readjust our thinking and enjoy life without the focus on food!

Louise

[StrongerThanSheKnows]

Thanks S2BS!!! I love reading your posts too! And, yeah, we are trained to focus on food in almost every occasion. It is totally a challenge to refocus. These days, the mental challenges are way harder than the physical ones. I don't know about you, but my body seems to be pretty used to the diet, its not rebelling with hunger and fatigue like it did in the beginning.
But darn it, the mental part (the part I should have more control over) is a way bigger challenge. Oh well, the mental habits will hopefully follow the physical ones SOON!

On a different topic, has anyone ever gone to the mybodygallery website? You put in your weight, height, size, etc. and you can see real pictures of other women the same size. It is such an eye opening experience for me. I think I have a majorly hard time seeing myself for what I really look like. I see people on this site and I'm like, WOW! I would love to look like them. Then I think, well, maybe I do. Haha.
I really think society teaches women especially to be hyper critical of our appearances. It's kind of sad for me to realize how effective it has been. Even though I completely object to the way society pressures women to look a certain un-achievable way, I still seem to compare myself to those completely ridiculous standards and then see faults way before I see success. That website at least helps me realize it. Check it out, I hope it might be an eye opening motivator.
Much love to all my Cohens warriors out there! <3
STSK

[StrongerThanSheKnows]

Well so much for cruising in the zone. I'm struggling, I'm hungry, I'm dreaming about all kinds of naughty foods. I feel that draw to rebel. I know deep down this will all pass. I'm just having a rough patch but ugh it is no fun!! I hope everyone else is doing great and flying along losing weight and feeling good on the diet.
Keep on keeping on folks!


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[Heidimama]

Hi STSK! I have really enjoyed reading your diary. You are doing so well! Distract yourself as you know these temporary feelings will pass. Or, if you feel like it, try to figure out why you want to 'rebel'. It might be useful. Look forward to reading more about your journey.

[StrongerThanSheKnows]

Hey mama! Thanks so much for the encouragement. You're so right, distract myself!!! I'll focus my attention elsewhere then in a few days I'll be cruising again and glad I stayed the course!
How's your journey going??


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[Soleil]

Thank you for sharing the Mybodygallery tip, I loved it!!!

Those moments of hunger, oh yes, I know them too! I was very hungry this week, didn't even loose much weight, but I did loose a fair amount of body fat and did a lot of shaping. So next time when this happens just think that it's you body working really hard at shifting fat and making your body smaller If you're a tea drinker, make a nice cup of tea, it works for me, makes me relaxed and most of all distracted.

You're doing great!!

[StrongerThanSheKnows]

Thanks Soleil!
Some weeks are just so much harder than others. Oh well, feeling a bit more normal today ( not so deprived). I weigh in next Monday, so I'm looking forward to that! This weekend I slept so much and hopefully that helps me feel better too.

I'm glad to hear your uplifting posts. Thank you!!!

[Nomoreweighting]

Good to hear you are getting back in the zone STSK. You are an inspiration, well done on only weighing weekly, I'm a habitually weigher when I'm eating well, go for month without going near the scales when my eating is out of control.

Love reading your diary,
NMW

[mesmer_eyes]

Heya STSK!

Ah that rebelling feeling. I know that feeling too well. In fact i have given in to thay several times last week :/. Dont be like me! just really difficult to stop once u start. Im back on the bus now but I must really learn to deal with my boredom.

U are doing great and keep it up! Ideas for distraction:

1. Keep an image in ur head of your ideal self (how u look, what u are wearing, what will u be doing, buying, smilling abt) and indulge in day dreaming abt that whenevr you feel like deviating

2. Go and visit the forum (I really feel its critical, to keep you in the Cohenite track and mindset, my mistake was i stopped for a week and bam! Deviated couple of times)

3. The naughty food will always be there. Negotiate with urself

I hope that helps

[StrongerThanSheKnows]

Hi Guys,

Thanks for the encouragement and advice. It is very helpful.

NMW, I stay away from that evil scale. I actually try my best to avoid it except for weigh in day, every four weeks. I just know that it would be another mind game for me. Another excuse to deviate and I've been very good at making up plenty of those without the scale! Lol!

M.E.- Thank you! I for sure did every single thing you mentioned to get me through those rough few days.

It's been a couple days now of feeling more normal. Sure I still imagine tasty treats but it isn't an obsession or something that makes me feel down, frustrated, and angry like it had been.

I did get a little exercise yesterday which really helped clear my head too. I realized that I love feeling strong. I haven't felt that way since I got pregnant almost 3 years ago. My body has felt a bit foreign to me, or maybe just out of my control. None the less, I got a glimpse of how it feels to be strong and light yesterday. Now I'm not even close to at that point yet, but I did feel lighter and that did make a lot of exercises easier. I don't want to overdo it, I know that makes me hungry so I'll take it easy at the gym but occasionally just feeling my strength is a comfort and a reminder of why I want to do this.

In addition to that physical reminder of why I want this, I wanted to take a couple minutes and write about the changes I want to see in myself once I'm on maintenance. Goals that will take time to achieve but that will be worth all this mental anguish.

Mental Changes that will take root on plan. They will! Right? I hope!

I will be able to make more reasonable objective decisions about food. What food do I need? What size portion is actually reasonable? Is this treat worth eating, what am I willing to give up to eat it?
I will be able to realize its just food! This isn't the biggest deal ever, its okay to say no to it. There will be more...lol.
I will be able to recognize and address moments where I over eat...why did I do that? Is this a food I need to avoid? Is this a stressful time where I need to find other outlets? etc.
I will have more interest in life and experiences than just in food.
I will be able to maintain my health without over exercising and obsessing (like I did during maintenance last time)
I will not place my self worth in my appearance.

The last two goals, are really just things that seriously, deeply scare me about actually reaching my goal. Because, in the past, being my ideal weight changed me and my lifestyle in ways that I am not proud of and that I realize were shallow, and selfish.
I love my family and friends. I love having the mental attention and energy for helping others and teaching my daughter to be a good person. These are things notably absent when someone is obsessing about themselves. I don't want to go there. I don't want to be that distorted ugly version of myself.

I keep reminding myself that I'm older, I'm a mother, I've learned a thing or two. But I can't help but feel a bit of reluctance towards even looking like that person again. Does that all just seem totally coo-coo?

Anyway, I do feel better getting all that out. I think its been weighing me down (pun intended) thinking about those mental battles that still need to be waged. I clearly have some things to work through but I'm hoping that writing them down will be a good first step!

Thanks for checking in Cohenites
All my best!
STSK

[Heidimama]

Hello STSK,

I really enjoyed reading your entry and relate to so much of what you have said. Congrats on your hard work and determination.

I agree with you on weighing in once a month only. To me, it goes hand in hand with seeing the plan as a way to change our lives, not as a race to lose weight. I love your list, especially where you say 'it's just food!'

I have just erased a very long comment as it is your diary and I shouldn't highjack it. I will put the ideas you have inspired in my own. Thank you for being here and continued good results. I look forward to continuing the journey with you.

[mesmer_eyes]

Hey stsk! Why are u relunctant to look like your old self again? Were there any negatives that you associate with that? Im curious. Is it because u were nt able to maintain it? For me, thats the biggest fear, reach goal, then start going back to square 1. I think sometimes, am I setting myself up for failure? Can I really keep this up for the rest of my life? Or convenience eating will get the best of me?

So many hard questions and tougher decisions to make. Even though we know its only for our benefit, yet we dont stick to it. Then we beat ourselves up for it. Its a vicious cycle.

But u know, at the end, all we can do is is try. We owe it to ourselves at least that.