Maya's refeed

[sundaymorningstaple]

Hey Maya, MSc!

Congratulations. We all knew you were a shoe-in. You dogged single-minded determination to do a job through to it's proper conclusion and completion was/is so evident here that your thesis had to literally be a work of art in itself.

Fantastic job and a huge feather in your cap. Wear that mortarboard proudly!

[Maya]

Finally, I can dedicate some time to this forum.

Thank You - Jenni, SMS, Connie, thank You SOOO MUCH!

After one of the craziest weeks now, I finally came to the seaside, where I plan to make a reset in my head.



Yesterday I took my friend to the airport (we got up early every morning, like 4am or so, so we took my dogs out, because it can get very hot later), yesterday she left, so I had to take her to the airport and had to get up early, too... then dogs...then I was packing to go to the seaside and somehow I could see I was TOTALLY tired, because I kept forgetting things around and came here kind of late...but I had to LITERALLY stop every few hours and think - YOU DON'T HAVE TO BUZZ anymore, come on, STOP!

See, on the boat, I have everything scheduled - in my head, that is...but still - the bell for the meals is ALWAYS on a minute. Breakfast is done by 7, lunch ALWAYS 12.30 or 1.00. Not 1.01pm.

So, even now, I was like - 9.40 - 10.00 store, 10.10 - 10.20 run to app to get frozen stuff....

I was REALLY buzzing with no reason.

AS I AM ON VACATION!

I will post my diary now - about my refeed days.
I have to say, I wasn't very inventive with meals, as I had other things in my head and I was just TOO happy to add amounts of food to my meals anyway... I LOVE bread plain as it is- really... I only toast it and since I start stewing some fruit allowance with some Stevia on it, it's like jam...

Maybe I will get more inventive with food here, when also meals are gonna be bigger. I gotta say I am still hungry a lot. Sometimes even more than before?

I am VERY satisfied with the refeed.
But I will open another post for that, so it will be more organized.

Just wanted to thank You all for being with me through this hard part of my life.

I have to tell you, that Bunny really really changed my life. (OK, would have to check if I told you why I call this diet a Bunny, but if I didnt - the pink part explains why... (skip it if you know)... But I wanted to say - I think it was one of the hardest things ever done in my life....

See, I ALWAYS had terrible terrible fear from public speaking and performing. Eventhough I was having piano concerts around Europe, competed in flute and danced around the world, I HATED it. I was sweat and shake and so many times I would get BLANK in front of hundreds of people. So, having to defend this exam was like a nightmare. As I am also not working in the area and since they really tried to stop me from it in the first place (yup, in 5 years of study from 33 people, I was the only one finished it, and the only one that is NOT even working in that field every day - as my all other colleages are...) - so I was damn scared about it.

But - when I had to talk about it...

I HAD NO fear at all.
I kept waiting for it to come.
Seriously.

The clothes I bought in Banana Republic (in States...I bought size 2, the pants were on discount from 100$ to 25$...and because I believed my dear captain I will gain weight back, I even bought some bigger ones, size 4, just in case... - well, even size 2 were too big now and because I tried them on too late, I had to wear a safety pin and still kind of hold them on me while talking...) were beautiful - I felt so beautiful in them...
But I kept waiting for the fear, for the block, for something...
NOTHING.

I was sooooooo strong. And because I made such a big deal I haven't even read my paper before the exam?!?!?!?!? I just wrote stuff I wanted to explain as comitee already had to study my whole book... but you know in 3 months you DO forget some parts of even what you wrote by yourself...
I was so confident...and when I was done, I only said -

THANK YOU BUNNY!!!!
I simply know I couldn't just do it because I was confident.
I did it, because I think...if I could resist that table of goodies my friend made that day and I almost collapsed...if I could cook for 20 people for almost the entire time of this diet...if I can resist the figs that are calling me from the neighbor trees...then I can do anything.

I seriously, honestly am telling you this is SO MUCH MORE than just a diet.It is A BUNNY.



I hate the word Diet. I just dont like it. It sounds temporary. And nothing special. THis was TOO special to be thrown in the same bag with some stupid diets. So, when I was thinking one day what to name it...when I talk about it..
I remembered the day when we all wear costumes here (kind of Halloween) and I always wanted to wear a big suit, the big one, where no one recognizes you...so one day I ordered this Bunny suit (it was after Easter in States, the suit was online discounted from 750$ to 70$, so I got it) - I could hid myself completely and my belly was allowed to be big...so this was the first time I went out to bars with my friends...I could hide and not feel embarrassed by how I look, how fat I feel... It was hot as hell in it, but I could watch the world and see people without being ashamed of who I am...

So, that was one of the only evenings out for me. Yup, in my entire life. Of course I didnt drink (dont like alchohol, really...), I had a little basket of carrots and chewed on them for the whole evening...

But!
I could feel different. I wasnt all cramped because I felt I don't deserve being in a bar, because I am ugly and fat...

So, then one day I was driving home, thinking about dr.Cohen and about the diet..and suddenly a HUGE rabbit jumped in front of my car, just one minute before my house. It was dark, we were alone on the street, this Bunny was sooo brave just to jump in front, stopped and looked at me straight into my eyes and starred at me for a while. I seriously could read it in his eyes:
"You dare? Show me you can do it. It wont be easy, though. But CAN you?!"

THe bunny stood there, right in front of my car, like 1 meter (seriously, I couldn't see his legs at all!), starring at me. As I just sat in car, watching it, he jumped away then. Jump jump jump back to the field he goes.

So, thats when I decided to be a bunny.
It was also Easter when I started it.
and also...

...bunnies eat only little little specks of food...
...bunnies are nice and soft (time for me also to wake up my feminine side/the soft side of me..)...
...bunnies in the states..are usually kept in cages...(I am leaving my own cage now and as I feel it, I am also gonna be leaving States soon)...

So, mostly I wished this diet to be a quick jump into my new life.

Where there is no place for being ashamed, for feeling fat and ugly.
Where I will gain my health back and accept myself as a woman. Where I will gain a new, healthy relationship with food. And - I know lots of you will shook your heads here, but I do believe in it - where I will be able to
eat anything I want
as much as I want
and anytime I want.

Because I believe in my Bunny.

[enough!]

Maya!
That, my dear deserves a round of APPLAUSE


Yay Maya
Kate

[Maya]

So, this is HUGE post, as I promised to write my past week down. I was trying to be good and write everything down.

Add lots of water to it (3-4 liters a day), diet coke (almost every day I drank at least 0.5 liters (I know, not healthy, but it gets me through the afternoon hunger and it's just a thing that I allow myself to have)... I am taking some Ester C with breakfast and dinner, multivitamin with lunch and some CaMgZn now and then (I think it makes me constipated, though).

REFEED DAY: 4

2.7.2008
Weight: 47.9 kg (-700g)
Bodyfat: 15%

Breakfast: yogurt, 1 apple, coffee
Lunch: chicken, veg, bread, apple
Dinner: beef, veg, crackers, 2 crackers, blueberries

I was hungry the whole day. Have added just tiny bit of veggies...hungry hungry hungry...


REFEED DAY: 5

3.7.2008
Weight: 48.1 kg (+200g)
Bodyfat: 14,2% (this is confusing for me)

Breakfast: yogurt, nectarine, 1 little apple, coffee (divine!!!! nectarine in yogurt was just NIRVANA!!!!! thank You Shell for reminding me to get nectarine and not frozen blueberries!!!!!)
Lunch: chicken, veg, bread, apple
Dinner: beef, veg, crackers,apple

I was tired the whole day. Nervous about the exam tomorrow... nervous having my friend here as I felt I was a terrible host - she was so lost here...but I was also so busy in my head...I had to run around, do the last things for my exam...prepare... I wished I could take her to our favorite places...and I realized how it is ALL about food here... When you come to our country, our culture is to FEED YOU. Anywhere you turn around, it's traditional food. I realized how limited we get if we tried to avoid food. I still tried to cook for her every day, but boy, was it hard... I was hungry even wth some added amount of meat and veggies...I was very very tired.
Haven't really slept in 2 weeks now...

Thanks to shell and other experts on here, I decided to have ALL the food dr.Cohen wrote for me, despite my wonderful consultant's advises to leave half of it out. Now I know how important it is to train our body during the refeed. Dr.gave me 18 days to train my body back and I will eat EVERYTHING he wrote or I know I will be lost in problems later.
I have all the tools. If I gain too much, I will go back.
Had ruin enough of my health and sanity because I was trying to be better and smarter...



REFEED DAY: 6

4.7.2008 EXAM DAY
Weight: 48.9 kg (+800g) (kind of a lot, but got hardly any sleep and was too nervous to worry about it, plus no BM in few days now)
Bodyfat: 15,0%

Breakfast: yogurt, nectarine, tiny apple and some mango, coffee
Lunch: chicken, veg, bread, 1 slice of bread, apple (not hungry, but VERY VERY tired)
Dinner: beef, veg, crackers, 2 crackers, 1 orange, blueberries, coffee

The exam tired me big time... I mean, when I was done it was really weird...I went in the car and changed into my snickers...then got message from my brother (I told everybody I have exam in the afternoon, so this was the time to tell them I was done) - I called him while walking through the store and buying strawberries and champagne for the evening to surprise my parents...and I said - "Hey, I'm Master of Science!"
It was REALLY weird...
Kind of unbeliveable. When I came home, I just dropped in bed. I wasn't hungry at all. Just soooo tired.
I felt VERY Stuffed in the evening after dinner. BUt I decided to have all the food, because even when I read all the diaries (on other forums, as well), I realized that people that have been 100% on the refeed, too - without NOT having this or that...have much less problems later.

The surprise at gym with my parents worked out amazingly. I think I would be able to see tears of joy in my dad's eyes when he saw me walking in with the champagne and strawberries and chocolate shells in hands, singing: "Happy master to meeeee....", but he barried his face in my shoulders when he hugged me. No one has ever seen him cry. I think this was close.

My mom was -of course - in tears, shocked, she couldn't sleep until 3 pm.
I took her downtown the very same day, pretending I am too nervous to study, I took her to this ice cream place where they used to go when they were young - it was the best ice cream in town she told me so much about - she LOVES ice cream and once they made a bet she can't eat more than 20 scoops of it...well, she did. 23 scoops (small, of course) of walnut ice cream (the owner brought the recipe from Vienna) and then she was sick for a week.

But I wanted to take her there and have some nice time with her, after 5 years of feeling I still am NOT done with my education... My brother came by, finally saw him, too... The ice cream is gone, they haven't had it in years...but we still had coffee... Brother was SHOCKED to see me so thin (my veins are popping out of my arms as by a street worker and the vein on my head is really visible now)... My mom insisted to take the gift (the dolphin picture) for my mentor to this special flower shop she found that they arrange gifts beautifully and I had to somehow explain her I already did it (as everything was over for me).

So, the surprise was huge success....the gym owner was also shocked, as no one knew about my exam.

Thank You life.
Thank You angels.
I feel soooo free.... I have never felt so free in my life.




REFEED DAY: 7

5.7.2008
Weight: 49 kg (+100g) (nicely gaining it)
Bodyfat: 15.1%

Breakfast: yogurt, nectarine, 1 apple, coffee (waiting for waking up and wishing to have an egg, but yogurt just sounds so goood in the summer)
Lunch: chicken, veg, bread, apple, coffee
Dinner: beef, veg, bread, mango, nectarine

I could have 2 toasts today...well, I just realized I didnt have the crackers...as I could have 2 toasts and 2 crackers... I also had some more meat...

And no, I dont have enough of that additional protein on day 9, so I will keep adding. Still better more protein than carbs, right?

Gotta tell you...
I HAD THE BEST MASSAGE IN MY LIFE!!!!! My friend gave me as a gift after all that a 90 minutes thai massage...I WAS IN HEAVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't recommend you to take a massage more, oh, GOD, if you can, DO IT!!!! I have been in Thailand like...4 times and did it there, had massages before, but hello...this was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!! And I also think it was because my body went through so much now that I simply craved it!!!!!

PLEASE PEOPLE, AFFORD YOURSELF A MASSAGE if you can!!!!
I was thinking the whole time how I can afford it every month as I will be really short with money this year... and I realized - you probably spent more on bad food for you in a week than you would pay for a massage once a month! (it's 60 EUR for 90 minutes here, which is 94 $ or 97 Australian dollars, but we dont tip)...

And when I think how much I spent on diet products and miracle creams... I think I wanna afford myself one massage a month like this.

It helped me feel my body again. It was a little weird, feeling I should suck my belly in again, but when she touched it, it was just skin... Really, really, I recommend to get some massage if you can!!!

I was in heaven afterwards. Totally.
I have a best friend I really do.

After dinner we took a beautiful walk...I haven't walked in a long time like this. We were walking for an hour...then I had to RUN home...My BM was moving!!!!! But then...then I got swollen knees?!?!?!?! I couldn't even make a sit up - weird?! Never in my life that happened... Could that be from a piece of bread? (I never had problems with bread and it is still sooo small...??!?), maybe walking after so long did it...
Weird, really...Went to bed with my knees up and felt totally ok in the morning.

I LOVE walking after dinner. I think it is GOOD for my body. I know they say sport makes you hungry, but in my case - whenever I worked out I was always LESS hungry... I didnt experience that hunger after working out much... So, I decided to at least take longer walks on the refeed and some easy swimming when on the ocean and on the maintnance, I will add more and more sports, but I will be like katrin - I WILL DO WHAT I LIKE BECAUSE IT WILL MAKE ME FEEL GOOD not because I will have to burn calories.
Thank you katrin.

REFEED DAY: 8

6.7.2008
Weight: 48.6 kg (-400g) (back to the start weight)
Bodyfat: 14.6%

Breakfast: yogurt, nectarine, apple, coffee
Lunch: chicken, veg, bread, apple, coffee
Dinner: beef, veg, bread, mango, nectarine

I am totally happy having breakfast...sometimes I think - I will wake up and not eat so early, but I do feel hungry in the morning even if I wake up at 5. Which I think is good, cuz my whole life I haven't been hungry in the morning...

I still LOVE my yogurts and fruit...I keep thinking I shouldnt have an egg morning, but... yogurt is just soooooooo appealing! And just as I am writing this I realized I could have had that cracker allowance in the morning (last few days I could have 2 breads and 2 crackers), but I didnt... Hm...wonder why? I really dont think it would make a difference on my weight, but maybe made the yogurt w.fruit and some crumbed crackers even yummier!!! I might do that if I will sacrifice the 3rd piece of bread that I CAN HAVE TOMORROW!!!!!!

Was hungry today... Watching my mom and her friend having freshly baked cakes with coffee.... no fun...

[Maya]

REFEED DAY: 9

7.7.2008
Weight: 48.4 kg (-200g)
Bodyfat: 13,5% (I don't understand this fat thing, seriously)

Breakfast: yogurt, (half apple, half mango) and nectarine, toast (NO chance for crackers...had some toast with a slice of mangoe on it) coffee (I wanna see how bread in the morning will make me feel)
Lunch: chicken, beef (mixed) (stiry fried with veggies and mixed with salad), 1 toast, 1 apple and 1 FIG that was WORTH EVERY SECOND OF WAITING!!!! OH-MY-GOD!!!!! FIRST TIME IN 15 WEEKS I HEARD MY BELLY SINGING - THANK YOU THANK OU THANK YOU THANK YOU LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dinner: chicken, beef (mixed), veggies, 1 toast, apple

I would like to say this - I REALLY think it is important to have everything that is written on the program. I can't forget some words of wisdom from you guys... thank You so much for convincing me about it.

THIS IS SUCH AN IMPORTANT TIME TO ADD ALL NEW FOOD TO OUR BODIES!!!! I wish those consultants wouldnt let us complicate even more than it already is and just do what Dr.perscribed for us!

So, yes, if anyone of you reading this spaghetti post (by the way - amazing patience!) - that have a refeed to come - ENJOY ALL THE FOOD, PLEASE!!!!! I think every bite is important now - I think you have a chance to train your body for normal amounts of food NOW! If you will not have this and that because of this or that reason...your body might react the same after the diet... and say - oh, I didnt know you want that...sorry, can't recognize that food...don't know what to do with it...will store it as I did before...bzzzzz...


Yesterday I drove by this woman that is selling fruit by the road...I used to buy a huge watermelon and 1 kg of figs by her every single day for years...she remembered me (I wasnt here 5 years now)...and she was surprised seing tears in my eyes telling her I can't have even one fig last week... these people here dont understand why someone can't have fruit...she thought I dont have money, so she said - I will give it free!!! - and I was like - no no no, I will get them next week, I promise!"

So, last night I drove by, I made a slow stop, made it all soooooo big...I asked her to give me 500g of figs... so, today is the day.

I will have my first BAD (ok, come on, BAD?, I AM OFFICIALLY SWITCHING BAD with SWEET fruit ...I dont wanna code the fig as bad before even it enters my body)...SWEET fruit today after lunch.

Did I tell you I cried when I had my first piece of toast on refeed? I took a picture and called my mom while still chewing on it... I said -
MOM, I AM HAVING BREAD! MY FIRST BREAD IN 15 WEEKS!!!!!

Today, it will be a fig.

Hm...this piece of toast with morning yogurt REALLY filled me up.
GOOD!!!!!!!

Thankfully I dont feel stuffed, too full or bloated.

LIFE IS GOOD!!!!!!

[Maya]

THANK YOU KATE, THANK YOU!!!!!

[shell]

Hi Maya,

Sounds like you are really enjoying your re feed!
Glad you are loving the nectarines, I can't wait until they come back into season here!

After being so busy, you might need a bit of a rest!
Love reading your diary, keep us informed, it is always a great read.

have a great day
Shell

[Maya]

removed

[Maya]

few pics promised from my blue angels...

[Cheral]

Wow Maya - I was wondering how anyone could only have around 14% body fat and I can see now. You look incredibly slim.

The photos are wonderful.. Congrats on your masters, I have a Batchelors in Science and can remember how proud I was when I got that.

[ConnieK..]

Maya,

The pictures are fabulous hon!!!!!!!!!!

You look incredible!

Hope you are still doing well You sound so Happy with yourself which is great!

Connie

[Annabelle Joy]

I read every word, Maya. You are an incredible woman.

My husband commented that you look like an athlete. Difficult to imagine that you were ever fat.

AJ

[Maya]

Thanks shell, I think I do need a rest...but I wake up by myself before 6 and can't sleep anymore....?

Thank You Cheral, what is Bacherol in Science ? What does that mean? In Europe we only have Graduation, then Specialist of sth, then Master Degree and then Doctors degree... I was always interested in these different levels...sounds silly to have them different in all countries...
I dont really know how healthy it is to have such a lower fat percentage (it even showed 12.9% today?!?) - I dont trust this scale for that anyway...?

Connie, thanks, I'm catching up with my life now. Sometimes SO exhausted I could just sleep, mostly very happy. And glad to have you with me on the refeed... : )

AJ - thanks ... I was in sport my whole life, always strong, but sometimes you could hardly see that...you know - as a car with the nice inside (muscles), but so dirty outside you couldn't see through the windows (fat)?
No one really believes though, that I have lost 18 kg, they think I hid them well... And I did - I knew what to wear...
That's why it's so nice to see my belly - it still fascinates me every time I see it...

[Maya]

Yesterday was nice.
After dinner I had a looooong walk with my friend. I did feel very tired and dizzy. First day with 3 pieces of bread, so I made sure to have a walk - as I was inside the whole day.

I thought I was dizzy and tired from the humidity and low pressure, but maybe it was too much water? I am trying to drink a lot... Maybe too much...
I also noticed after last few walks I am getting swollen knees?
Never before...

Today I woke up NOT HUNGRY for the first time on the refeed. So I didnt even have crackers or bread with my yogurt.

My digestion is ok, just no BM in days now. Will have some senna tea today.

I took a walk to the store as I decided tomorrow I wanna try Shell's parma - with tomato...and I wanted to get this tomato, from the farmers here...

So I went for a walk and the store was still closed at 7am... then I walked further down the village, on a road through the fields...I spoke to my angels...asked them for some guidance after the refeed... to be able to hear my body...as I saw these wonderful looking tomatos on the field... and thought - mmm...I hope the store is selling these and not some italians...

It was almost time to turn around and go back to the store...so I did...and suddenly while walking back something said - no, no, go back just a little more... so I turned around again and walked...and in less than 20 seconds I saw this lady preparing the little place to sell the veggies I just saw on the field!!!!

my angels they really work overtime for me...

So, I bought some tomatoes - they smell soooo good!!!!
I will have them tomorrow with meat and mozzarela. Thanks shell for the idea!

I spoke with the woman and thanked my angels.
I really am such a lucky soul... I really am.

I'm back in the house now. Tired, sleepy. I will just sleep today I think.

My weight has gone up half kilo from yesterday,
1 kilo from day 4 (I was 47.9 on day 4) - you think I should go back 2 days?
I am still just 300 g heavier than on the 1st day of refeed...so I think I'm still OK?

My body fat seems low, but as I said - I dont trust the scale. In one morning I get measurments from 12.9% - 13.5%, so I dont bother that much.







REFEED DAY: 10

8.7.2008
Weight: 48.9 kg (+500g)
Bodyfat: 12.9-13.5%

Breakfast: yogurt, 80g fig, 160g mango
Lunch: chicken, beef, veggies, 80g fig, apple, 2 crackers (very strangly chose them instead of bread???)
Dinner: chicken, beef, veggies, 2 crackers, apple

Funny...I get hungry in the afternoon, then when dinner comes, I'm not hungry anymore, but when I start eating, I could eat more and more and more... Peppermint tea with some stevia calms me down a little...Had some more senna tea, no BM at all...

[shell]

Hi Maya,
I hope you enjoy the parma- I loved it!

Water is 1litre per 25kg of body weight roughly- that is why you might be getting dizzy, flushing out all your electrolites?

I would stick with the re feed as you have not gained the 1kg from your start weight.

Sounds like you are really enjoying all the extra food- good on you!
Thanks for the lovely words in my diary, I really appreciate it

Have a great day
Shell

[Annabelle Joy]

Your diary is always a delight to read, Maya.

I agree with shell on the water.

In Australia, at the end of three years at university (and passing) we can graduate with a Bachelor of ... (e.g. Science) in most disciplines. With another year that becomes Bachelor of ... with Honours. Then comes Masters and PhD. It's common to start a masters degree and transfer to PhD after a year or so if the work is going well.

AJ

[Cheral]

Hi Maya

As AJ said, a batchelors is our first degree, I started mine when I graduated from school, and it would have taken me three years of full time university, except I had my first child at 19, after only about 18months in and then took about another three years to complete. I was pregnant with my second around finishing time, so it was quite hard. Funny thing is I only ever worked in the area for about 5 years (another daughter in there too), then moved into another area as the mining laboratory I was working in at the time required me to work shift work and it was too hard with three children. I moved into Procurement, which was only day shift and have been in that field ever since. Completed a Diploma in business during the following ten years. Have probabaly forgotten all I learnt at university, I also worked in Medical Research for a while. !!! I sometimes wonder how I did it all, but we can do anything when we are young and motivated. My youngest daughter, has a Batchelor of Economics - first degree and is just completing her Law degree, shes the smart one of the family!!!! Another of my daughters did Physcology at Uni, the third one has travelled extensively and now excells ed at being a Mum...

Looks like you will be done with your refeed and onto maintenance when I get to this area, next week or the one after.

What are you planning to do with your qualification - will you be working in a scientific type area, have you majored in any particular area.

[bitten]

hi mermaya!!!!!

i am blown away by your photos.
you are a gorgeous, glowing, glorious goddess.

so beautiful inside and out.

your body is outrageously fit and you should be so, so proud of it.
take precious care of your bunny!

bitten

[Maya]

REFEED DAY: 11


9.7.2008

Weight: 48.7 kg (-200g)
Bodyfat: 11.9%-12.5% (seriously, how low will I go?!?!?!)


Breakfast: yogurt, 100 g apple, 100 g mango, 2crackers, black coffee
Lunch: chicken, beef, veggies, 1 toast, 1 apple, 1 fig (this was yumm! - because the apple was small, I added a spoon of mango, stewed it with some water and stevia and spread it as jam on half of toast - HEAVENLY!!!! Makes such a nice desert with some coffee...)
Dinner: beef + new added protein (chicken thighs - was REALLY just few bites), veggies, 1 toast, 1 apple, 1 fig (I made that desert with the toast again...it is soooo nice, I'm glad I'm having it...If I have a small apple, then I take just a tiny slice of mango to cover the half of toast I saved from dinner and just few bites of that with coffee closes meal sooo nicely, yumm!)

Shell - I am really enjoying new food, so much! The figs - I am still taking pictures of every fig I eat. I know, ridicilous, but I just admire and adore them! Thanks for the water advice (and the explanation about the weight gain on refeed in the other section)...I drank less yesterday and it felt better.
AJ - you are like my guardain fairy... thank you!
Cheral - I have a masters in Management in Education now. When I was 4 I saw a dying dolphin on this beach right here and strangly felt in love with him. I would sit next to him and cried and cried...flies were eating him and my parents were worried about me...I dreamed about having my own dolphin in our bay and ride him into the sunset...
That's when I decided to have a kindergarden on an island so children can swim with dolphins.

I studied Children psychology then (eventhough I'm not crazy about kids at all, maybe it was more to study myself), then decided to study Management in Education, because there was a great opportunity to do it in our country but it was actually Metropolitan Manchester University that gave me International education - our masters wouldn't count much abroad and I always wanted to be able to go into the world.

But now I dont really feel like having my own school or kindergarten anymore. As I was ALWAYS in nutrition and fitness (I am a personal trainer and I have been working for 7 years as one in the gym, always reading everything about nutrition...the problem is in our country we don't have any good nutrition schools at all and I couldn't afford anything abroad either but the wish remains big time. Maybe also because of what I had to go through with all the hormonal crap (sorry, but no other word can cover it) and I can understand women.

So, I would like to do sth in that area.

bitten - I'm blushing... thank You . You said you would like to know more about the flour in America? I don't know much more than that, but I wanna work for some health organization and organize independent scientific researches about how the food and additives REALLY affect people's bodies as I can't believe no one has done really good reseaches on that...there's so much lies in that area it's sick!!! I have spoken to people that study Masters in that on the best universities and they said I have more knowledge than they do, even they are brainwashed... so I might have a chance somewhere because I am not so brainwashed yet... I hope one day we meet somewhere and we can talk about it... Seriously!



EMOTIONS:
Yesterday my dad came to fix some things in the house before we rent it out...its amazing, we're having TOTALY different relationship now, that I'm done with that part of the study. He sees me differently, I think. He wants to take me scuba diving to Costa Rica next year with him - that's such an honor for me! It is his gift for all my study I have ever done (we never got any gifts - graduation and stuff...mostly I didnt even tell them about it). He usually took my brother around, fishing, trying to bring nature closer to him, but my brother is more into business and doesnt appreciate it much...so this is gonna be very special for me, living on the boat, being a guest(!? hard to imagine being served by someone else?!) and diving...

I am so very happy right now I can't tell you.
I love my life soooo much.
I had a great talk with my best friend about the past week and I can only say a person like that is born once in hundred years... I realized I am having a problem with too much attention from other people... I realized I can't stand someone watching me and admiring me... it makes me nervous. I prefer people ignoring me? I realized now it was because I was always so ashamed of myself, I always wished to be invisible, thinking I didnt deserve to even be talked to, sometimes I felt not worthy walking down the street... and when people did notice me, I thought I always have to fulfill other's people imagination about who I am, what I do... So many people see me as someone special, they put me on a piedestal, but I only wanna be a normal girl... and when they do that, I feel huge pressure to fulfill what they see... and that is so tireing.

I always wished my mom would NOT put everything down when I enter the house and focus 100% on me all the time..Please, keep on doing what you were doing!

And when I reacted like that, people didn't understand it and neither did I.

Now I know it.
If I couldn't stand seing myself in a mirrors, always blaming myself for how and who I was... of course I couldn't stand anyone else watching me.
Even now, that I do look ok, I ran down the dock as quickly as I can as I dont' feel comfortable people commenting my body. I just meet a neighbor and she didn't comment it at all and weirdly it felt good she didn't even mentioned it...

[Maya]

REFEED stuff:

very excited to be able to try Shells Parmigana today ! I had no cheese since the beginning of diet, because I was too hungry to chose cheese before meat meals... so I decided to have mozzarela today (it is my first day adding new protein), so I will have some chicken with mozzarela for lunch and then for dinner I saw I have to have some new protein (very small amount) and since I wont drive all the way to the store just for that, I got some tuna (in can) that I also haven't had on my original diet and I hope that will cover my new protein for the evening.

As for my weight - it went down a little, but I can't really understand it... my body fat is going down every day and I dont know how healthy that is. I haven't had my period since the beginning of diet, which didn't concern me at all - I dont like having it anyway and usually I had it just few times a year and never when I was dieting. But seing 11.9% of body fat today on the scale kind of was low...the body fat is going lower, but the weight goes up and down (haven't had BM in days now, despite drinking lots of senna tea????)...

I am having all the fruit (enjoying every allowed gram of it !) and strangly no REAL craving for bread. Crackers seem tasty!

If anyone is following this - I am a little confused about crackers here...

They say - if you don't eat bread, you can have original amount of crackers on your diet. Well, my original amount is 6, which means 3 times 2. But I also heard that one piece of bread is equall 3 crackers, so if I'm allowed 3 pieces of bread, that would give me 3 times 3 crackers?

So what is now right for me?

And - if I decide to have crackers on maintnance - 3 crackers with meal count as carbs or they don't influence insulin yet? Or is is original 2 crackers a meal as during the diet?

Thanks everybody...

Thanks to Shell that warned me that tuna isn't new protein eventhough I haven't had it in my diet, I ran to the store and got 1 chicken thigh for my new protein. Thank you Shell!!! I dont like that canned tuna anyway, just not appealing eating things from cans?
But - I was so VERY hungry after lunch, thank God my friend came for a visit, but once we were on the beach, talking, I got nervous, I couldn't stop thinking about food...so we jumped in the water and then it was too hard and I went out and made dinner...

I wanted to make chicken parmigano, but realized I need MORE meat than cheeese (my cheese allowance is one time smaller than meat), so I decided to have another meat dinner. Parma tomorrow...I was eating my dinner for an hour and now this toast with mango jam is such a nice desert after meal!!! Very glad I made it! Then we went for a walk and finally, during the walk I suddenly stopped and said - ok, see - now, after another hour, I'm ok. Before, I could eat forever... I am having BIG appetite and starting to wonder am I ever gonna be full at all????

I am eating ALL the food on the refeed.

And reading some of the maintnence diaries are worrying me a little about my life after diet... I hope I will find the stregth and that I will be able to make it simple....