Binge Eating, Anxiety, Obsession and Panic

[keishu]

Hexi could you maybe bake yourself a ricotta cheesecake so that you can control the fat content and also the process of having to make it might get it out of your system. Or you could just make little ones in muffin tins and freeze them so that if you crave it then you can satisfy the urge instead of going out searching for some and buying evil foods instead.

Best wishes, Steph x

[hexi2]

Ok I think I have finally hit the all time low....crashed into a pit.

I believe that I was so successful and deviation free on the eating plan as it was my only sense of control over my life...

I seperated from an emotionally abusive relationship 12 months ago and have 2 young children (18 months and 5 year old). I have pretty much had fulltime care of them both since we seperated (other than a few hours here and there). I work fulltime and rarely even get time for a coffee without the kids...it has been hard, really hard. To top it all off my x often sabotages arrangements for access with the kids or will often 'guilt trip' me about me asking him to look after them - apparently it was 'my choice' to parent the kids alone which makes his behaviour to waltz in and out unannounced fine...what he is actually doing is trying to control me through the children....never wanting to make proper arrangements (so that I can't plan anything)...the whole situation has been very emotionally taxing...but amazingly I feel like I have soldiered on and I think having the eating plan helped me to focus on Cohens rather than the situation around me...

Now that I don't have my eating plan I feel like I have lost control not only over my eating but over my life...it has vanished? It's like the eating plan gave me control and now I realise that I don't have the power I seemed to while on the program...

Today was the lowest day I have had in probably 12 months...it goes like this....yesterday I asked the x if he could look after the kids from 3:30 - 5:30 (so I could go to the gym), he said yes then asked 'what for this time?' I told him it wasn't any of his business either yes or no answer needed....he ends up screaming at me and hanging up on me. Then this morning he turns up unannounced and accuses me of 'having a man' - like when do I have time to find one considering I only work and care for the kids...I told him even if I did it is non of his business and I don't ask him about his private life and he shouldn;t ask about mine....then he carries on about leaving town if I had another man. I reinforce the only conversation I want to have with him is 'purely business' about access with his kids and that only. He takes the daughter with him for a few hours (this was not arranged earlier) and tells me he will come back at 3:30 as arranged. 3:30 comes and goes and I ring asking where he is...he tells me he is watching the footy I thought the arrangement was for 4:30....he comes around by this time I am in hysterics bawling my eyes out as I had close to missed the beginning of my gym class and by this time I no longer want to go.....

I tell him to leave....he gets up to go but not before I totally loose the plot. I am screaming at him about how he sabotages everything and that the kids are just as much responsibility as they are mine...and I shouldn't be made to feel guilty or that he is doing me a favour each and every time he looks after them for a couple of hours....he looks shocked and leaves. I end up crying in my bedroom for about an hour, feeling the worst I have felt for a really long time....
the kids are traumatised....

I have the same sense of numbness and saddness I haven't felt since before we seperated. Now whether I have had the chance to get in touch with how I am feeling as my focus isn't with the eating plan...or whether the eating plan provided me with strength to deal with my situation on a day to day basis I don't know....or whether it was my only sense of control and without it I feel like the world is crumbling around me - who knows

BUT I do know that something inside me is shifting....what the outcome will be - unsure

I have decided that I am back on the eating plan for 5 days as from tomorrow - I certainly did a lot of damage at the golden arches tonight....and need to ease my way into maintenance as I am not fairing very well...

I do have an appointment with my consultant on Wed and then the pyschologist the week after next....if only the x was half a reasonable human being who put his kids needs before his ill feelings towards me first....the life would be very different.

I don't like to sound like the 'woe is me' and really hate looking like a victim but I am trying to find the answers to why I have reacted the way I have with bingeing....

To Penny and Lauren (Lonniecee) thanks so much for the concern and phone calls....and Katrin your pm it means so much to me....

[Annabelle Joy]

It seems to me, hexi, that perhaps you have been trying to hold everything together under very stressful circumstances for far too long, and with the end of the rigid part of the diet everything else is letting go too. Seems to me that your ex is playing games with you and you need to look for strategies to put a stop to his games. Can you deliver the children to him rather than him coming to collect them? Keep him on the doorstep when he visits. If you do happen to have another man in there one day you don't want the ex thinking he had a right to come in too.

AJ

[Evave]

AH
I'm so sorry to hear that u r struggling so much, u are such an inspiration for many of us on the forum..

The below is completely of a subjective point of view, i do not enforce it upon u nor is it medical advice = PURELY PERSONAL opinion:

I know exactly what u'r going through (been there, done that, binge x-pro) and resulted in me doing the full cohens program for a second time, and this time it is much better ! and i have learnt a lot: (this is how i cope with it) GO BACK on the prog and loose what u have gained, this will assert the "control" which u seek for, then do refeed again, in order to stabilise ur kgs a bit as well as continuing to maintain "control" with in ur life, after that, continue to do the last day of refeed, BUT this time ENFORCE it! so keep the mental behaviour that "u r still on a diet" with treats ONLY on SPECIAL occassion or maybe better yet try to stay away from evil treats (easier said then done, i know)
U DESERVE this new body, u worked for it so hard, so it's ur given RIGHT to have it

I treat myself like an "ill" patient when i have off days (i.e. binge) and that's why i need to look after myself with special care, we will always this condition but it is in our control; while we are eating healthy (cohen-based foods) we are cured for the time being, sweet foods are drug for people like us.
people r fallible, and we are humans, so we will make a mistake, but that's why there's tomoro so that we can fix it and learn from it.
ur "illness" is taking over u, but grab back that control and cure urself
this is the thought process that i use, and it seems to work for me thus far (2 months)

the first time i did the cohen prog (start to finish) , i failed, however i learnt from my mistakes, so the second time (which is now) i have fixed my failure, i pretend i'm still on the medical diet (follwing the last day of refeed) on most days, i'm in my early 20s so socialising means going out and drinking (= too many calories), however the next morning i wake up and tell myself: that is that!! what happened yesterday is yesterday's mistake, it does not have to carry on to today.

this is how i am managing, i struggle, no doubt, and i struggle like hell turned over twice (mentally and physically) to keep this weight down and resist drugs (sweet foods) as much as possible, it is not easy, but it is getting easier with each passing week as the body adjusts and stabilises kgs with the "new" me

if this reply is inappropriat or too harsh, pleas do don't hesitate to take it off
my full intention is pure in the sense that i am trying to help, if that is not how it comes accross as, i sincerely apologise

Be strong Hexi, and believe in urself that u can do it because u have already done it


Evave

[hexi2]

Thank you so much Evave - that makes total sense to me....

At the moment I plan on doing the eating plan from Monday to Friday (without the refeed) as I hope all in all I have not gone over 4 kilos over goal and also that I won't need to stay on the plan for longer than 2 weeks (therefore not having to do refeed)...do you find that sticking to the last day of refeed that you gain weight? It seems like more food in the refeed than what Dr Cohen says about maintenance ie: 1 piece of fruit instead of 4? I am not sure at this stage what to do other than get back on the eating plan - I do have a social outing on Friday night so plan on drinking alcohol...

I am dreading the scales tomorrow - it really is amazing how much food the stomach will fit in when you binge....I have never been a binger and the sense of 'no control' is awful, truelly horrible and I hate it!

[cherry59]

Hexi don't be too hard on yourself

As you said your life has gone through many changes over the last 12 months

The control of the cohen's program has taken focus off parts that you couldn't deal with and allowed you to deal with what you can control!!

Talking about strategies to deal with the ex will make you more positive in your dealings with him
remember the saying

"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference."

The last is the most difficult I think

We can't be all things to all people all of the time.

I sometimes feel we can also over analyse things we do instead of acccepting they have happened and draw Deb's line and move on.

Keep strong Hexi you will find your way through the maze of life and come out a stronger woman

Hope this doesn't come across as preachy as I am also finding my way through the post cohens phase

Cherry

[kagiesen]

Hexi, good on you for yelling at the X. He sound like a real irresponsible self-centred [insert swear word]. He needs to realise he can't manipulate and control you through the kids. Have you guys got court arrangements on access, or joint custody? Why does he think he can just come and go? You're right to tell him it's not about doing you a favour, because the kids are his responsibility as well. Maybe if he had den one night during the week and every second weekend on a regular basis, and maybe if handover was at a third person's place (even some youth center, I have seen on TV that that sometimes happens if the parents should really not meet, as it also makes it harder for the kids). Anyway, you had every right to yell at him. Hope he feels a bit guilty, too and learns from it.

Please don't take it out on yourself! You've achieved so much, with full time work, 2 little kids, the program, you're doing so well and are strong. But being strong also means sometimes to seek help, accepting you can't be strong all the time and need to relax and rely. I am feeling with you.

Katrin

[Evave]

Yes, being out of control is possibly the worst thing to do to oneself, but alas we still loose it.
while i cannot possibly imagine the situation with ur ex, i have no doubt that u r an amazingly strong person because of what happened.

oh, i forgot to mention, i only do selected days of refeed ie i do every 3rd or 4th day, i only do it 'cause it helps keep my mind at ease, not really for any other reason.
my weight remains relatively stable, sticking to the last day of refeed is what our body's can handle without gaining weight, however i do also try to go to gym classes 3 -4 times a week. for some odd reason, i no longer feel stuffed with the amount of food (pertaining to the last day of refeed) , while on refeed i did feel stuffed after meals,i no longer do: i think the body gets used to the quantity and ur stomach fits it in just right.
if u think about it logically: throughout refeed, we were kinda stretching the stomach by introducing new foods from day to day, but if u keep to the last day afterwards u no longer feel stuffed after meals, u become satisfied with it. (or so i find that is the case with me)
oh and i stick to my 5crackers instead of the bread (bread doesn't agree with me)
i do agree with u, i am also confused about the whole maintenance rule and last day of refeed issue.

as for ur social outing, if at all possible, stick to ur original plan and then go out, u have ur drink/s and have a fantastic time out with ur friends BUT whatever u do, do not even look at food (i know, again, easier said then done).. i try to think of my social outings as the treat to my healthy-eating week, in other words i tell myself: I'm going to have a healthy week this coming week and i will treat myself, not with food, but with the company of my friends.. so when i feel that little devil telling me to binge and just eat till i am so sick that i can't even move my finger without my stomach aching, i remind myself that i am going out this friday so by implication it means i must have a good week and i keep fighting with myself until i need to.
i know it sounds very compulsive obsessive type of living but once u practice it enough and u get into the routine and fine-tune it to ur ways, u become used to it, u stop thinking about it all together, u stop fussing about food issues and u do become more peaceful with urself and it no longer remains an issue.

Evave

[shell]

Oh Hexi,
I am so sorry you are struggling at the moment

Don't give up, this can all be fixed.
You are a strong woman and can get over all this emotional turmoil.

Hope you feel better after giving the ex a well deserved boloxing!!
What an

Chin up, dust yourself off and have a sensational day
Shell

[ropemaha]

there is little strength in solitude....your strength is in your capacity to seek the support you need when you need it...

the 'victim' is the one that lets things happen to them....the 'survivor' is the one who finds a way out....

you are not alone and you are not a victim.

see you later

pen

[pandora]

Hi Hexi and i am filled with empathy for your dilemna and what you are dealing with, with yr ex etc. At the same time, i find this thread you have created very valuable albeit having been raised with distress on yr part. Thank god for yr honesty and willingness to talk about yr process, just what i needed at this time on my own journey.

You also wrote specifically to me : "From what I can read you are not following Cohens?? just your own plan? Are you no longer on the eating plan and going to redo refeed"

Yes, i did make up my own plan for the past 2 weeks and that has been very valuable as i have proved to myself at least that portion control is a major factor for me with weight gain - my body handles carbs okay and it gave me a "rest" from the program so i could have a fresh start to finish what i started and that is start back on the plan TODAY and stay with it until refeed, complete refeed etc. I did discuss all this with my cohen consultant 2 weeks ago (having a mini "break") and i have my first appointment with her again NEXT week. Today i am 4 kilos over my desired goal so wont take long and expect a big loss first week.

So yes Hexi, i am sure getting back on the plan 100% for the next 5 days will make a huge difference to any weight gain very quicly, how you feel and eliminate the binge etc. Its good to always remember that we are always "a work of art in progress" rather than perfection. Pandora

[keishu]

Hexi I justed to send you lots of love and hugs. I don't have any fabulous advice to offer but I'm supporting you from afar.

Wouldn't it be nice if Dr Cohen could write a post-Cohen's diet that everyone could follow for life.

[hexi2]

Thanks everyone - yes the access issues have been an ongoing saga - I finally got him to agree to have them one night per week but he often rings in 'sick' or finds some other excuse...this has been ongoing for the past 12 months...

Well I think things have come to a head....today I rang him and told him that I am sick to death of him trying to manipulate me and control me through the kids and I am very NEAR my wits end with this issue...for the last 12 months I have tried to encourage a relationship between him and the kids and I can't do anymore than that...but he 'uses' them to get to me so I told him that I am very close to reaching a point where if he wants to see them then he will need to go through the courts because what is happening at the moment is TOO DAMAGING....he just doesn't get it coz then he said 'I have a right to know what you are doing when you ring to ask me to have the kids - I am doing you a favour' by this time I am screaming...'stop using your kids for an excuse to try to find out what I am doing' IT IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS....he hangs up.

Then he decides to try to hurt me even more by sending an sms that says....sorry it has come to this....don't contact me in the future I won't answer your calls - tell the kids what you want'....

At this stage I can't even begin to believe this...but in the same way it would be easier if he had nothing to do with them (this is the last thing I ever wanted for my kids) but he honestly can't prioritise contact with his kids rather has used them to 'get to me' and quite frankly with all the things that have happened over the last 12 months it is becoming clearer to me that my kids are probably better off without him.

Anyway...I am back on my eating plan (hey Pandora we can join forces!) and have to try to find a baby sitter.....what a saga

I feel pretty sad today, angry too but focussed on shifting this weight and trying to find some control over my life...

[shell]

Hi Hexi,
Although sad for your kids, it sounds like you will be better off without your ex sabotaging all your great efforts.
Also now you know you can't rely on him, you can move on.

You are a great Mum, and have been doing it pretty much on your own for the last 12mnts anyway.
You and the kids will be just fine, a happy Hexi = a happy Mummy!!

Sending you lots of postive vibes today,
Shell

[cherry59]

Hexi what turmoil you are experiencing right now.

The only people your ex can hurt now are those that let him hurt them. You've moved on from that point. The one that will miss out on the joys, and tribulations, of parenting those beautiful children will be your ex, and that's his choice.

Chin up your cheersquad is ready to go whenever you need a boost

Cherry

[jacin]

hi guys just thought i'd ask has anyone thought to ask Asy on how she went after refeed and does she still find it hard . i remember reading a reply in her diary i think it was about how someone on here was dissapointed that after all this , how could she eat sandwiches, or something to that effect , please dont quote me on that anyone, but it is in here somewhere, but beside the point ask her and see if Asy can offer her advice and wisdom on the matter. i know the lady who runs the brissy clinic Sue Foster and her hubby Joe both done cohens ,ask them how they went as they must have dealt with it some how as they use the pics from their weight loss on their brochures, and they have to maintain their weight loss as no one is gonna take up the offer if they said" that was me after i completed cohens and now im fat again cos i couldnt keep the weight off". just a thought and hope it helps. jacin

[Jayne]

Hi Hexi

sorry about the Ex being so awful. Just remeber if he was half decent you wouldnt be in this position - thats why he is an EX!!!
I had one of those and in the end you need to always have a plan B - never depend on him for anything.
Does the school have aftercare? Maybe you could use that a couple times a week and sneak to the gym. Or put the kids in swim classes and you can do some laps at the same time.
Unfortanately he will not get better - and if he does it will only be for a short time. After 5 years of putting up with my EX he finally met someone else and doesnt annoy me anymore.
You are the winner here and always will be and you are a great role model for the kids...you have taught them not to be unhappy and tolerate a poor relationship...thats priceless.
For the time being you may need to do some walking ( with kids). I work full time and was single from the time the kids were 3 and 5 --- it does get easier and better trust me.

Just dont let him push your buttons - the psychologist will really help you , it helped me realise they were his issues - not mine.

Jayne

[hexi2]

Well I am feeling a wee bit better - I have spoken to the x's sister to explain what has happened with access and the ongoing issues....just letting them know that whatever happens I want the kids to know his side of the family - just not him.

I will 'leave it' for now and if/when he contacts me I will be making it clear that I will no longer allow him to have contact with the kids and should he want to make proper committed arrangements then he will need to initiate mediation (the first step in the Family Court Process) until then he is unwelcome and unable to see the kids This has been one of the hardest decisions for me to make in my life...really hard because it impacts so much on my kids....

Anyway looks like there may be a positive on the babysitting front...

What a day! I have been 100% so far but feel really low, guess that has got to do with the current situation as well as detox....yeh great timing!

[pandora]

Hexi, just remember what a HUGE inspiration you are to all of us on here and before you know it you will be back where you want to be! I am joining you (a privilige too) today back on 100% and have felt "better" but at least we know how much better we can feel in just over a day or so once our bodies are in balance again! - i would send you some magic fairy dust but dont know where "she" (the fairy) disappeared to????

[Annabelle Joy]

It must be very difficult for you, hexi. It's such a pity that your children's father apparently doesn't want to establish a continuing relationship with them. It's his loss of course, but their loss too as they won't have a father.

AJ