Butterfly94's diary-not your mum anymore!

[Butterfly94]

DAY 11-Deviation free!

Annnddd its day 11 of being 100% on EP! Half way there...I just need to brave this weekend, and one more week, and then i'll be hopping onto refeed (7th Oct). My weight has dropped to 63.6kg, which is a little above where I was at the start of refeed attempt 1. I can feel and see the difference in my body...who ever knew that water weight could make so much of a visible difference@

Yesterday afternoon and this morning I was exceptionally hungry. I polished off all my crackers and fruits by afternoon/mid-morning! I survived the rest of the day with coke light and coffee. Didn't need much, just 1 cup of each but it helped me so get through the day.

It is getting uphill from here and I can feel it. Having to sit through lectures and focus on getting work done helps to distract me from hunger, but at the same time, its hard having to do those when you don't have much energy to muster and feel tired all the time.

But in a way, having been through many cycles of deviations and jumping back on plan is a good thing! Because you become very familiar with the cues that set off the binging sprees and learn to avoid/handle them very carefully. For example, I am nearing the 2-week deviation free mark, which is typically the point where I get super hungry and cave in. I can feel the hunger and cravings getting more intense now, close to the 2-week deviation free mark, and so I am taking extra caution to keep myself occupied and motivated so that I don't cave in! Just a little bit more than one week to go, and I have come so far so I will NOT give up at this point. I want to see this to the end and finish what I started, so that is my no. 1 motivation!

After 16 days of refeed (if it all goes well without glitches like the last time) then I will end just in time to celebrate Diwali! So that is the motivation that is keeping me going now. I need to look my best for the festive season, especially with the parties and all that! I'm also going to go get fitted for a beautiful new outfit this weekend, to wear at the party that my family is throwing during the festive season. I'll be seeing my tailor after like a year, so she sure is going to be shocked/surprised at how my measurements have shrunk!

I'm also planning my mom's birthday celebration next Friday, and I have placed orders for some really delicious, personalised cupcakes with handbag-shaped fondant-my mom is crazy about handbags. I'm so thrilled to see how she reacts! And apart from the cupcakes, theres also gonna be yummy party food so I'll have to be careful not to cave in. By next Friday, I'll probably be so hungry that I could eat a table, but I'll also be so close to starting refeed that it would be a waste to deviate-so that should keep me going.


Thanks so much for dropping by everyone, your encouragement really means a lot to me

[Scaling_Down]

Keeeeeeep going! You CAN and ARE doing this!!!!!

[AZ1908]

YAY! Great post BF94

[Butterfly94]

Its finally Sunday!

My final week on EP starts today...1 week to beginning refeed. Let the countdown begin!

Hopefully this is the very last week I'll be spending on EP in a veryyyy long time. Its been a great journey, but I want to complete it thoroughly and maintain.

This next one week is going to be really an uphill task, with the hunger, fatigue, workload all becoming intense all at once! This is the one week where I really need to be strong and not cave in.

And after this one week my refeed HAS to work for me. I spoke to my consultant and she said the additional blood test I had requested for was unnecessary. She assured me that if I stayed 100% on EP for 3 weeks my refeed will definitely work for me. So I guess I just have to trust her word and not be so paranoid hahaha...me and my paranoid self, sigh!

Lookinv forward to coming back with news of success in the coming week!

[Soleil]

Well done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One more week, cherish it, your last week on EP, ever!!!!! I'll be jumping up and down in joy for you once you can start your refeed. Well done again!

Soleil xx

[AZ1908]

YAY!!! Well done! Looks like you've had some losses as well. I will be watching closely to see how you go on Refeed.

Me, on the other hand, for some reason I am gaining. Hoping it just fluid from too much salt - errr!!!

[Scaling_Down]

One week and counting! Congrats BF! Refeed seems daunting at first, but its also a lot of fun SO as soon as you can, start prepping for it and ENJOY! Will definitely follow your journey and cheer you along

[Butterfly94]

DAY 15-Deviation free

Thanks so much for your support and encouragement everyone. I really appreciate you guys cheering me along!

Right now, the biggest problem I have to tackle is my worrying mindset

For the past two days, I have been CONSUMED by so much of doubt and worry regarding whether refeed will proceed smoothly unlike the last time, whether all the hard work Im putting in these 3 weeks on EP will pay off, whether I will finish this journey and stabilise my weight.

So many doubts, So many questions and SO many "What ifs?" nagging at my mind now. My worst fear is that when I start my refeed next Monday, it will screw up like the last time and I will be sent back on EP again. Im really getting sick and tired and just want to be done with this.

As much as I try to be optimistic, my mind can only conjure up all types of horrible, pessimistic worst-case scenario outcomes for my refeed next week, thanks to my horrid first attempt.

My worry is getting so excessive that its impeding my ability to get on with my daily life, tonattend to the tons of work I have. I fear that if my refeed fails me despite me being perfect on plan for 3 weeks, then I will be frustrated and have another binge session again-Something that I absolutely do NOT want to see happening.

I will never really know the outcome until the end of next week. I will have to demand an answer from my clinic if things dont go well for me next week, but I hope it wont come to that. Im really hoping and praying that things go smoothly on refeed, thats all I really want right now.

Sigh just had to get that out. Its such an irony because I should be jumping in joy that I am nearing the 3-week deviation free mark, yet, I am increasingly nervous, apprehensive, scared aand worried as I near refeed.

[Butterfly94]

Omg...surprise surprise...my consultant just gave me the green light to begin refeed!

I was not expecting that!! But pleasantly surprised nevertheless...

My consultant informed me that I could commence refeed since I have been following my EP 100% and am very hungry.

I asked her if she thought I should hold up for one more week, and she advised against it in case I gave in to my intensifying cravings...

If I start refeed tomorrow, that means I should be scrambling to prepare all my supplies today!

I think I will prepare for the first 2 days and see how it goes, since I experienced problems on the first 2 days the 1st time round. I will prep 2 extra portions of day 1 and 2 food in case there is weight gain and I need to repeat these 2 days...which I hope I wont have to!

Will refeed go smoothly this time round? Well I have put in my all at being 100% on the plan over the past 2 weeks, now I just have to hop onto refeed, wait and see.

The anxiety was killing me but now it looks like I wont have to wait much longer to know if it will be success this time round.

Only time will tell! Hoping for the best

[Scaling_Down]

Congrats BF!!!!!!! Enjoy every moment of refeed and just take it a meal at a time. I know its becomes rather confusing and its a lot of work near the end, but its a formula that works!
Looking forward to see your journey

[AZ1908]

Congratulations BF94!

I completely understand your apprehension though as well. In fact, reading of your experience has even made me a little apprehensive too, especially with my recent 100g gains for 3 days straight on EP.

You can only do what your consultant tells you to do and follow the plan as prescribed. I believe that Cohens is a proven formula and your consultant knows what she/he's doing so you should move forward confidently believing that you will transition through Refeed and on to maintenance and your slim life.

Good Luck and I'm sure it will work out for you second time around!!!

[AZ1908]

Will you be starting a Refeed Diary?

[Butterfly94]

Today was Day one of refeed!

Weighed in at 63.7kg this morning. Already feeling so much more vibrant with the 1 extra fruit (blueberries), extra protein, veggie and my slice of white bread (which I thoroughly enjoyed! Had it with an omelette and cauliflower in the morning...yumm!). So I'm just thankful for the extra bit of food I was able to have today.

AZ- Yes, you are absolutely right. I've done everything in my power, having been 100% on EP for 2 weeks and having gotten the green light to start refeed from my consultant, so like you said, all I can do now is just follow what has been prescribed and see how it goes! I'm not sure if I'll be starting a refeed diary yet though, I want to first get through the first 2 days and make sure that there is no unusual weight gain like the last time, make sure that I'm really really onto refeed, and then perhaps I'll begin one!

SD-Thanks so much for all your encouragement, I really love how optimistic you are! Hoping some of your optimism rubs off on me!

[Soleil]

Hurray!!!!!!!!!!!! Well done!!!! I'm sure you'll be just fine!!!

[AZ1908]

Hey BF94,

Refeed sounds like fun.

Quick question - what was your goal weight range? I see that your BMI is quite low, are you aiming for the lower end of your goal range or was this the upper?

[Relles]

Congrats, on getting back to refeed. Well done you!
I'm going to say this and I want you to remember this ok?

Congratulations on the determination and willpower you have shown over the last two weeks in the face of some pretty challenging stuff. Yes, it's "only food" but it's emotional and it's a whole different kettle of fish when you have been OP for a long time and seriously hungry! Remember you have proven you have a pretty fierce willpower within and it will keep you in good stead for the future.

Well done again!

Oh and....

I think its time for a before and after pic!!....please?

[Scaling_Down]

Oh oh! CONGRATS ON STARTING REFEED!!!!!!!!!!! Its so much fun!
Before I forget to mention it to you... One of my all time favourite Refeed breakfast (using your egg meal)... FRENCH TOAST! I would also bake an apple and place that on top of my french toast! TO DIE FOR I tell you!!!! Of course you much just remember to have your veggie portion (so it ends up being a HUGE meal) but is SO SO good!!!! Look at me now, reminiscing over here when I will still be here for a few weeks... But couldn't help myself, I am so super excited for you!
CONGRATS AGAIN

xxx

[mesmer_eyes]

BF94!! Congrats on starting refeed!!
Amazing to read ppl reaching this point.. inspiring

[AZ1908]

Hey BF94,

Haven't seen you post for a few day. Hope refeed is going well and better than last time!

[Butterfly94]

Havent been in here for quite some time! Thanks so much to all of you for thinking of me! I've been having an extremely hectic week with a zillion assignments, deadlines, tests, etc and the list goes on!!

But amidst all of this, I'm happy to share with all of you that I am officially on day 7 of refeed!

I will start a refeed diary soon detailing my journey on refeed, perhaps at the end of this week when my schedule eases up a bit.

But just to give a summary, the things that have been happening on refeed have been nothing short of miracles!

As soon as I begun refeed:

1) I have lost 700g to date, and my weight has been pretty much stable despite introduction of bread, bad fruits, extra protein, etc

2) My TOM, which was nowhere in sight for 3 months, finally arrived!! I think my body really needed that extra bit of food, and was refusing to let go of any nutrition.

3) I haven't had any strange reactions to any of the foods yet (bread, bad fruit, etc).

4)And best of all, I feel SO STUFFED. And its only day 7. It makes all those weeks of hunger SO worth it. I haven't felt this satisfied after meals in a long time, and I'm still scrambling to finish my fruit allowances by the end of the day. It helps so much that I'm able to have extra food this week because this is a super stressful week for me, and Im so so thankful.

AZ-Thanks for checking in on me! The weight on my tickr is actually my upper goal weight!

Relles-Now that you mentioned it, it occurs to me that I haven't actually taken a before after pic! I will upload one as soon as I do it! Thanks for checking in on me!

Mesmer: Thanks!! I'm stoked to be in refeed too! Its been a long haul, but I can't believe I'm finally here.

SD: That sounds delicious!! I haven't actually been adventurous with anything on refeed yet, just enjoying the extra portions. But I will try that recipe soon! Thanks!

I will begin a refeed diary soon enough and post everything in detail. Thanks SO much for sticking around everyone. Couldn't have done this without all of your support