heidimama's Diary

[Heidimama]

Hi Louise! Thank you! Alas, the huge drop did not materialize, but the scales did move a little, in the right direction. Now sitting 200g above goal one.

And I don't really mind, bc today I wore a pair of pants I could not button up three weeks ago. And I looked at my nude body today in the mirror and my bottom looked cute and different and my dreaded back fat is almost gone.

And I feel good.

And I gave away all the sweets I got as soon as I got to work. I do not need that in my office, the place where I am most stressed and frustrated. Very bad combination.

All throughout the day I think of things I read here in other diaries, and they keep me solid, even as I watch folks eat all kinds of tempting rubbish. So thank you all who are on this path with me.

Off to read more diaries.

Skinny dreams!

[Soon2BSlim]

What a great feeling to be wearing smaller clothes or clothes you previously wore but were too tight! That's huge motivation to keep going

I'm sure the scales will catch up soon with your losses but you're definitely doing something right because your body tells you that you are and it's a good thing to not be hung up on the number on the scales. How good is it that your back fat is almost gone too!!! Woo hoo!! Lol, I hate my back fat too Your bras should be fitting better too with less back fat!!

Hope you have an awesome day!

Louise

[Heidimama]

Thanks, Louise. I saw this on the train coming home. Yes, my bras DO fit better. They were really digging in earlier this month, but now, not at all. I was hungry and tempted by all the stuff around me, but this message just steels my resolve.

Holding steady at the same weight. I did not sleep well, thinking about work.

Good God, I was in a meeting today with two people and wondering if I am insane or if they are. The discussion - gossiping, speculating about other people's behavior and motives, power plays, - is not the kind of thing I participate in in my own life. And the stakes for these power plays are soooo low! It seems unhealthy and paranoid. I have to find a way out. "I do not care" is all I kept thinking. But for these people, this is the height of excitement. It's like being caught in a bad comedy. One of the people they were discussing is someone I worked with yesterday. She is a happy person, living her life, for goodness sake. She is not plotting anything.

You know, if I were evil, I could make up some intrigue and really mess with these fools (who are my superiors, FFS) as they are unnecessarily making the job so unpleasant.

Anyway, the good thing about these encounters is they take my appetite away.

My tummy feels bloated. I hope it goes away.

Off to shower and climb into bed.

Skinny dreams!

[Heidimama]

Good stuff:

Weight still holding steady, but I am obviously shrinking. Today I got a set of rings on my middle finger - I used to wear them there when I weighed twelve to fourteen kilos less. That really, really surprised me. And I tried some of my old clothes and they fit. Some of them are still too tight to wear in company, but I have more clothing choices now, thank God. Even the size M silk pajama bottoms look better! Not quite wearable, but better. So I know why they tell you to measure and not to worry about the scales. I am really motivated. And I will be wearing a nice "new-old" skirt on Monday.

I had to deal with M&M's today (I'll be doing a "guess how many" game for a Halloween party) and while they smelled good in some way, I didn't think of eating one.


Hmmn... stuff:

I do think I need to cut back on the fruit though. I would prefer to have more veg and give up my fruit. Wouldn't you, dear reader? I think having them is keeping me in "dessert" mode, looking for something sweet at the end of every meal. I think I really should just have one at the end of the day, more in line with maintenance rules.

I also need to rethink chewing gum. It keeps me in "sweets mode" and orally fixated between meals. I say I don't eat between meals, but I have gum twice a day between meals and LOVE that burst of sweet flavor. I think I am not doing myself any favors by doing this as I want to retrain my taste buds.

Plans:

I want to really have a nice lie-in in the AM.

I have to plan my meals really well for Monday as it will be a very busy day, ending with a party where I will be surrounded by rubbish.

Going to check out a new 24-hour gym nearby. I like to work out first thing in the morning and I want to do some resistance training. It makes me feel good and energized and I need the stress relief. The nuts I work with drink and brood and manage their stress in unhealthy ways and it just makes me want to get healthier and healthier.

A few of these recipes can be adapted to plan:

http://ameliafreer.com/recipeposts

Skinny dreams and happy weekend, all!

[Soon2BSlim]

Ooh!! How exciting to have more clothing choices!! You're right - the measurements sometimes tell a different story from the scales but too often we get fixated on a number!

So happy for you right now - your size is shrinking and you must be feeling so good - in the zone maybe?

I hear you on the fruit and dessert mode and if that's what works for you then that's great and it's what you must do. Personally, I like to have my fruit every day and see the sweetness as my "reward" for being true to the plan which also reinforces the idea that even when I get to goal I can have fruit as a reward instead of having ice cream or chocolate or some other decadent snack. For me, it's training my tastebuds to go for the healthy fruit instead of the chocolate.

It's interesting how we all have our different vices and ways of looking at foods and other things. As a non smoker I never have a problem saying no to a cigarette but as a chocoholic it's a real struggle saying no to a slab. I'm wondering if the cravings we have are truly our body/tastebuds craving something or if it's just a mental thing. If it's totally mental then surely we can retrain our mind??

I'm not sure if I'm making sense here, lol but perhaps you get the gist of how I'm thinking

I'm so impressed with how you are handling your work situation Michelle. It sounds totally stressful with any number of temptations to deviate every day! Hang in there, you're doing great!

Hope you have a peaceful and relaxing weekend.

Louise

[Heidimama]

Weight still holding steady. It is almost comical now.

Thanks, Louise. I enjoy reading your thoughts. You always make a lot of sense. I dunno if I am 'in the zone'. Maybe? I was somewhat stressed out this morning (yes, thinking about work) and I am telling you honestly, I REALLY wanted to just chill with some chocolate, nuts, and rubbish today. I walked by it all, buying none of it in the supermarket, but it was attractive. Ugh. I reminded myself that I just do not have the self-control to have just one serving of any of these things and that I want to be thinner. And that the fat and sugar in the rubbish have a negative impact on my health.

I think more than the actual rubbish, I crave the feeling of contentment, the serotonin surge, that comes with eating it. I have read that exercise, sunshine, and a positive outlook all can help to boost serotonin levels.

So maybe, Louise, with time, exercising that 'no' muscle, we can retrain our minds? A friendly older man offered me candy this afternoon when I was by the river talking on the phone to a friend. I had gone for a walk after lunch because I was still craving something forbidden, and this older man comes up offering me just the kind of caramel I like. Normally, I would just have accepted it out of politeness, but today, I just didn't feel up to the temptation and I said 'No, thank you'. I felt bad because it hurt his feelings, but I am glad I exercised that muscle. I will need to do that more often in the future. 'No, thank you' is a polite, complete sentence, right?

When I returned home, I distracted myself with a 'fashion show' with a friend on Skype and almost forgot about dinner. I was no longer hungry. I had a quick yogurt.

I did have my apples and crackers as dessert for breakfast and lunch, and they were delicious and necessary.

Skinny dreams, all!

[Soon2BSlim]

Well done on the good exercise of your no muscle Michelle It will be good practice for maintenance I find it quite 'amusing' to see how all the treats and offers of 'forbidden' foods increase when we are determined to lose weight. Before that, it's like there is a drought of food offers/gifts or perhaps it's not such a big thing because we aren't avoiding them?!

I have noticed at work that we can go weeks without snacks on the tables in the staff room but within days of being mindful of what I eat, out come the treats and in particular at this season, it's chocolates and fruit mince pies - two of the things I really battle with!!

Well done on saying no - it's tough to resist sometimes and a huge step in the right direction when you do.

Hope your weekend has been good

Louise

[Heidimama]

Scales moved! First goal reached!

Reflections:
I started following the plan 4 weeks ago and while my ticker shows 5.6kg lost, it is actually more than that. I do regret that I was too bummed out about how much I had gained to weigh myself before beginning. I do know that what brought me back in was going over 80kg (almost 81, I think) and I had a week's binge after that (!).

I hope to reach my next goal by the end of November, but who knows what will happen? It will take as long as it takes.

This is the longest I have been off sugar since August 2015. It feels good to get off that roller coaster. Even though it is hard at times, I am learning to soothe myself with other things, like exercise, talks, tea, sofa time, and simply remembering my goals. I hope the next month will be easier.

The real goal is to live a life that requires less soothing. I have to be practical about money, but I need to think wider and make some changes.

I've just made 4 meals - it took about 90 minutes, including clean-up time. So I am getting faster.

I have not been hungry today. I had an M2 cauliflower & mushroom cheese bake for breakfast with crackers and felt a bit ill and full after. So I didn't have my "dessert" until later and that apple kept me so full that at lunch time I was really not hungry at all. So I may have to rethink my idea of not eating between meals. I dunno. Maybe today was a fluke?

Busy day tomorrow. Will have my two big (hah!) meals in the day and yogurt for dinner (probably really late as I have that Halloween party in the evening).

Hope everyone had a good weekend.

Skinny dreams!

[Heidimama]

Hi Louise!

Not sure how I missed your post, but I thank you. You are so right, the treats show up when we least need them. When I was freely gobbling every sweet in sight, it seems I rarely got given any. Haha. I am on my late lunch break and someone just came over with chocolate. And an hour ago, I was given a blow-pop, one of those lollipops with chewing gum inside. In my favorite flavor, grape. I haven't had one in ages and ages. As you say, it is the season. But I will be giving it and the chocolate away, and enjoying some water instead. And some green tea as it is so chilly today.

I had another movement in the scales this AM. So 800g gone this weekend. What is the secret, I wonder? I know I had yogurt dinners and no third fruit both Sat and Sun. That might have helped? And I was rather sedentary. Going to try to have yogurt dinners this week.

I will prolly be too tired to post tonight. So I have had my main meals and will have yogurt when I get home. I still have 2 cracker allowances and 1 fruit allowance if I get really peckish this afternoon.

Thanks for dropping by. Off to your diary now - I see you have updated.

[Heidimama]

Weight stable.

Party last night was fine - resisted all temptations - correction- I wasn't really tempted or hungry. Ate my yogurt on returning home and stayed up the two hours and then went to bed. Slept poorly and was up at 6AM. Annoying.


Hoping to be in bed by 9pm tonight. Just had M2 dinner with kiwi and crackers, AND a pot of peppermint tea, so feeling very full.

Watching an episode of Secret Eaters on YT. I know I got to this big by KNOWINGLY doing what the secret eaters do. And I understand why they eat constantly - it is the carb cycle. I remember having 4-course Sunday lunches and then making and devouring popcorn a couple of hours later. And then secretly having more dessert cause I was embarrassed to have anyone see me. Crazy.

Glad I am doing something different today.

Skinny dreams!

[Heidimama]

To any readers, this is very long and written just for me to get some clarity, so please feel free to skip it.

I have just read a very sobering article about the dismal prospects of maintaining weight loss, but this paragraph gives me some hope:

None of this is to suggest that no one successfully loses weight and keeps it off for several years. But based on surveys of those who do, conducted by Rena Wing at the Brown University’s Alpert Medical School, these folks are not casual dieters. Rather, they tend to make weight loss a singular focus of their life, weighing themselves and everything they eat every day. They tend to eat the same foods in the same amounts most days, and they exercise a ton: a minimum of an hour a day, seven days a week. As obesity expert Kelly Brownell, dean of Duke University’s School of Public Policy, told the New York Times, “They never don’t think about their weight.”


The full article is here:
http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2015/10...-work.html?x=1

I regained more than 10 kilos in less than a year because I went back to eating rubbish, telling myself I would stop "tomorrow", that I should just have a blow out "just for today". "Today" never ended and "tomorrow" never came.

I am writing this down so that I can work this out in my head and remember as I really do not want to repeat the mistakes.

At first, when I started eating rubbish, I was amazed that I maintained my weight loss for about 3 months. I went back to having nuts and chocolate for dinner, with a decent-ish breakfast and lunch. But after 3 months, I started eating even more kinds of rubbish (potato chips, KFC, tons of fresh bread and butter and pastry, cake, ice cream, Cheetos, sushi, all kinds of fried things), in shocking amounts, at all hours of the day, including breakfast. No wonder I gained weight fast and felt so awful!

The article mentions that another counterproductive result of dieting is neurological changes that may make food seem even more tempting and even harder to resist than before

That really rings true to me, and is evident in reading some old diaries here. People on their second, third, fourth round of the Cohen plan write about bingeing behavior they had never experienced pre-diet.

I need to make a conscious effort to associate the foods I listed above with my high BP, with a family history of diabetes, with all kinds of health problems, and not with pleasure. I have an abnormal relationship with them. They are not necessary for an enjoyable life and I have had more than my fair share of them until now.

Because I have this unusual relationship with food, I have to do what the successful maintainers in the study do: make maintaining my weight loss a singular focus of my life, not my only focus, but I have to make it a natural habit.

I plan to continue to weigh myself every day, monitoring my weight, not ignoring it, and to respect my body by eating reasonable portions of whole foods. I have to continue to exercise daily. If I want to be healthy and thin, my lot in in life is that I will have to work for it.

Until now, food has been a major hobby of mine. I love cooking and baking, trying new dining experiences, tasting everything. Half of the podcasts I listen to and most of the blogs I read are about food. Since starting the plan, I have avoided them, replacing them with fashion and makeup blogs and YT videos. I need to just delete them, but I am not quite ready. Food has been more than a hobby, I realize: It has been a major part of my identity. It is hard to give it up. But I need to.

Maybe one day in the future, the rubbish won't have such a hold on me, and I will be able to to take it or leave it. But for now, especially during this season of holidays, I need to sever ties with it and just keep my singular focus.

[Heidimama]

Weight stable. Hungry in the afternoon, but not ravenous.

Looked at myself in my pants/trousers and sweater today and thought I looked really nice. I am by no means thin, but I am shapely, my butt is a lot more pert than I remembered and my thighs are definitely smaller. I felt comfortable.

It was chilly enough today for me to pull out a lovely 19-year-old leather jacket that was too small for many years. It felt great to get it on easily. A co-worker came over to compliment me on it, which surprised me.

But I felt quite tired/weak and didn't have the heart/energy to walk up to the 5th floor today with my heavy bags.

I got home early today and decided to try on some clothes. One pair of pants and a denim skirt were ready to be worn, another pair of pants just needs another few weeks. The third pair of pants will have to wait for goal .

Have the day off tomorrow. Yay!

Skinny dreams!

[Soon2BSlim]

Some awesome posts there Michelle! The article you wrote about certainly has a lot to think about, thanks for sharing it.

I'm sorry I haven't popped into your diary for a while but I have had some long shifts at work and just haven't had a chance to catch up on diaries. However, it seems like you are steaming along and into some smaller clothes!! That's excellent news!! Well done!

Have you been taking progress pics for yourself so that you can visually see the difference in your shrinking frame? It's so worth it if you do

Hope you have a great day!

Louise

[Heidimama]

Hi Louise! Thanks for reading and commenting even with your busy schedule. Looking forward to reading about your week when you have some time this long weekend.

Weight stable. Meals normal. I ate all my crackers and fruit today. Did not crave anything or feel deprived. Still motivated.

I have had some strange news from an acquaintance-friend. She has not been well for a while now and now she wrote to cancel our planned get-together this weekend because she has been unable to keep anything down since last Saturday. I wish I could do something to help. My mind is going to all kinds of places but I hope she recovers with rest as she had been working really hard.

Stress is unkind and unforgiving. A lot of people here seem to see daily stress as a sign of or part and parcel of hard work and one's contribution to one's company. I call BS on that.

Really trying to appreciate myself and my life at my current size and not be in a hurry to see a certain number on the scale. Grateful for my appetite and for feeling fine most days.

Nice, lazy day, catching up with friends and TV shows. I went for a short walk, mostly to get some delicious sunshine and to enjoy the waterbirds.


Skinny dreams, all!

[Soon2BSlim]

Hi Michelle

Sorry to hear about your friend I hope it's nothing serious.

I totally agree about the stress - it should not be part and parcel of daily life and if it is then something is wrong. Unfortunately many work places (mine included) are cutting staff hours and expecting fewer people to do more work with no thanks of any kind. Not that one does a job for the thanks but you need to know that what you are doing is making a difference. If there is no reward then job satisfaction takes a dive and productivity does too. If only all management would see the long term consequences of causing stress to their employees.

Apart from the work related consequences there are health consequences for the individual and again I agree - we need to call BS on this!

I'm glad you were able to have a nice lazy day and catch up with friends ... it does wonders for the soul

Have a great weekend!

Louise

[Heidimama]

Thanks, Louise, for your thoughts for my friend.

You are absolutely right about management being short-sighted about putting so much stress on employees. They seem to think that people they have invested time and training in won't walk away from an untenable situation. At this stage of my life, I would rather have my health than a job. I am not impressed by work prestige and would much rather be happy than have an impressive title. Anyway, fingers crossed for us both.

200g down this AM.

Was hungry today, but did the apple & crackers thing between breakfast and lunch and it curbed my appetite a little too well. Completely forgot about lunch until about 2 hours after I meant to eat, which then made dinner later than I like. I had a hankering for a fried egg and mushrooms for dinner. It was really good. Ate all my fruit and crackers.

You know how they say it takes time for your brain to realize you are satisfied? And that that is the reason why you should only eat until you feel 80% full is to give your brain time to recognize satiety? Well I was conscious of experiencing that for maybe the first time today. I was ravenous after running errands and had my apple, crackers, and a cup of tea, but still felt "hungry". If I were not following the plan, I would have grabbed some more food to fill my tummy up to 150%. Instant gratification and gluttony. But by waiting, I came to see that I was not really hungry. And I came to see how that 80% concept actually works. I have to highlight and remember this experience, so I can retrain myself with normal eating habits.

Have a good weekend, all.

[Heidimama]

Weight stable. Pleasant early morning chat with a friend after brekkie.

Then I had a bit of frustration in two long chats with Apple Customer Care. And I really needed to just get up and get dressed instead of staying in lazy mode. Lazy mode can make me feel low, I realize. It helps my mood a lot when I get dressed and put on my face and tidy up and leave the house.

So with that mix of frustration and bluesy feeling, I started really craving chocolate. I was wishing I had kept all the chocolate I was given recently. And I was chatting to a friend and remembering all these disgustingly decadent chocolate treats I enjoyed in university and then I started googling them, looking at pics, and my mind went to that place where I just wanted to rebel. I knew exactly what I wanted to buy and I was planning the size of my blowout. It was all pretty fast, how I went from quite rather peaceful to obsessive. Initially I just tried to sit in peace, telling myself that I could do it tomorrow if I still wanted to, but to hold steady today.

Also, I have a whiteboard on my fridge with two numbers: 69 (my last low weight) and 62 (the weight I maintained happily for years and the weight I am seriously considering making my goal weight, 3 kg above Dr Cohen's goal for me) and BP (blood pressure).

Seeing that on the fridge took me out of my madness. I am still overweight, 8kg from a normal BMI, and I am thinking of eating chocolate? Really? Really?

I was also irrationally hungry later today after that all passed, though. I had all my crackers and fruit by 3pm. I had had my M1 for brekkie which was a mistake, but I wasn't feeling hungry then and like I said, I was feeling lazy. Not doing that tomorrow, that is for sure.

Made it thru today. Just waiting now for my dinner to digest a bit more before bed.

[Heidimama]

Weight stable.

Better day today. Less hunger. No thoughts of rubbish. All fruit and 2 of my 3 cracker allowances eaten.

I do have to say, though, I hope I start feeling more energetic. I often feel mentally and physically tired, not always, but often. Anyone else?

Another thing I have noticed is much less body odor. I dunno if it is the plan or my underarm laser treatments?

Just got some disappointing news that I was kind of expecting. Things turn out the way they should, which is often not the way I want them to be, and that is OK. Resilience.

Changed my ticker to reflect my new goal of 62. I may change my mind as I get closer, but for now, I think I would rather go with a weight I have been able to maintain for years instead of trying to go low. We shall see.

[Soon2BSlim]

It sounds like you've had quite a few up and down days Michelle but have shown great resilience! Well done!!

It's amazing how quickly our good, happy thoughts can turn to bad ones when we want to eat all the wrong foods - not because we necessarily crave them but because we are angry or rebelling against life. Personally, I have found that if I'm planning a blowout like you were, I don't really know what I actually want to blow out on. I tend to think of chocolate, biscuits or chips because they are known to be bad things but if I really think about what my tastebuds want, it's none of the above.

It's hard to put off the blowout when you're in that kind of funk but you did it and came through with flying colours!! Well done. I hope things improve for you and that you manage to sort through the disappointing news okay.

I can't say I have ever noticed less body odour but I have definitely noticed less "dragon breath" when I wake up in the morning :P I wonder if there is anything in the archives on the topic?!

I hope you have a fantastic week with good news and happy days

Louise

[Heidimama]

Weight stable. Annoying.

Had to leave home early this AM, getting ready in a hurry cause I decided not to get up with my alarm. Boo.

Hungry almost all day. Really annoying.

Didn't tear into the big bento lunch box I was given even though I was quite hungry (yay me!) and conspicuously not eating (no one cared).

Tried on shirts that were unwearable last week, and most of them are ready to be worn. Very cool.

One very old one that I LOVE from 2002 can be buttoned, but it is indecent. Boo. But I could button it all the way. Yay.

It is funny how our bodies change. I went from a 36C to some really huge sizes (38G, maybe?) at my fattest and am now a 34DD. Will be interesting to see where I end up.

I had yogurt and a grapefruit for dinner. I do have to hope the near-constant hunger today translates into a shift in the scales in the morning.

I cooked three meals killing time waiting to eat my yogurt. The house smells so nice and homey.

OK, rambling. Bath in 20 minutes.

Skinny dreams, all. Hope you had a good weekend.