Blondetastics Diary

[Tes]

Wow i missed two awesome moments congrats You must be so stoked. The thing about being a second timer for me is i keep remembering how all these great moments felt!! So enjoy them!! And the guys are gonna come so get used to it. See it as a recognition of your efforts! Although bunch of asses should enjoy you over you outward appearance first but sadly the world has few like that!

Good luck with your relationship with traitor friend 😂. These things usually chew me up and spit me out. Hope you can shake it all off or friend comes and begs for forgiveness and offers to serve at you pleasure until you are satisfied he/she have been punished enough!


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[Donzie]

Congratulations BT!

YOU DID IT! MASSIVE ACHIEVEMENT!

You have now lost more, than you need to loose. Over half way might be a better way to explain it. FANTASTIC.

Enjoy, I bet the 90's fly by quickly.

Well done Blondetastic you've worked hard for this little/major achievement. I demand you treat yourself to something nice this weekend like a massage or manicure. Your worth it

[blondetastic]

Thanks everyone. The support here is fantastic!! And its great to have somewhere to put it all down.

Everything is going great guns re weightloss. Down another 1.4kgs since hitting double figures.

Donzies recent post about peoples reactions to our weightloss and the reasons why we hang onto weight or yo yo diet was great and has inspired this post.

I been through the critical attitudes of so called well meaning friends before when my weight loss has been significant. It's good to be reminded that this will likely happen again. It comes down to peoples insecurities and we can't be responsible for them. They need to work on themselves but at times it can get us second guessing ourselves.

The most telling comment was a couple of different friend complained that I had changed. Meaning they didn't like that I was now confident and happy. How sad for them. One of them was also the one who had to remark on my portions sizes saying no wonder you have lost so much weight. Then proceeded to tell me how she would eat about that amount of meat (yeah right) but so much more in veggies. As if trying to convince me she was much healthier than me. But forgetting she told me a couple of days before how she would eat a 2 liter tub of ice cream in a sitting. Plus the countless times I had been to hers for coffee and there is always a large selection of biscuits and chocolate. It sounds mean but I didn't say anything while she was being my food critic. I just looked at her and thought well I have 2 choices - eat what you do and be your size or eat like I do and be mine - not a hard choice.

Other comments I got was along the lines of am I sick? And one friend who was overweight and hit the gym obsessively said to someone "If she thinks she needs to lose weight then what must she think of me?" and was apparently really upset about it. I wasn't judging her. To imply that I was because I had lost a lot and only had about 3kgs to go and was determined to do it is utterly ridiculous. I wasn't going around at that point saying to anyone I was overweight. I was within my goal range but I wanted to get to where I wanted.

So yes, people are very quick to let their insecurities slip through the cracks when they see others doing well. The thing is I would rather be a source of motivation for others than aggravation. But they don't take advantage for one simple reason - just like me at previous times - they aren't ready to change anything. But not being ready doesn't give them the right to try and hold back those of us who are. And yeah, I know some of you reading this have experienced the attempts to sabotage your plan. Thats always entertaining - watching people go all out to make us deviate, then realizing they are wasting their time. They come up with all kinds of reasons. But the best one is when you tell them you it's very low carb ie low sugar and they say yeah yeah I gave up sugar once. Hmm just biscuits and sweets or the hidden sugars in so called healthy carbs? Yeah I thought so. Then they tell you there is alcohol or biscuits in the tin, help yourself. Because they don't get we are serious. They think its a fad or a sometimes thing. The good part about Cohens is the longer you been on it the better you get at handling it.

So down to reasons for yo yo dieting or holding onto weight. There can be many reasons. But I'm willing to bet they find there roots in one thing mainly - fear. Insecurity of some kind. For me if I think deeply about it, my fear was feeling like I'm not quite as good as everyone else - not funny enough, not entertaining enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough. If I hold onto the weight I can blame that. But if I let it go, I have to work on some stuff. And accept that I am actually an ok person.

That's what I'm mainly trying to work on now. When I really apply it and stop giving a toss what others think it works great. It's probably one of the hardest things to work on - your self confidence, self worth, self love. But it's so worth it. Its the foundation which allows you to go out and do things you really want to do and stop living in fear. It's a lot easier for me having identified at least some of my issues.

So thanks Donzie for that post, it was helpful.

[michiemama]

Way to go for sticking up for yourself. Sometimes, miserable people just want to drag you into their misery - misery LOVES company.

As for your "friend," definitely projecting her insecurities on you. I find that I take friends like those in very small doses. I am much better off without the negativity. That's why this forum is so great! So much support. On the outside, all people see is the success you've had - the physical. Noone knows the mental battles we face DAILY. It's just constant!

Don't let what other people say or think affect how YOU think of yourself! Only YOU can do that. Just doing what you are doing - picking yourself up and putting yourself as your top priority, your health, takes an incredible amount of courage. So keep that chin up, head help high, and strut it!

[Ladel]

Hi Blonde, I saw my first time around, especially towards the end of the cycle that I were receiving more negative remarks than good. I think you are right in saying all of the emotional insecurities are rooted in fear. I really enjoyed reading your post, as it reminds me about what awaits me and hopefully also prepare me for the disappointment when friends seem unfriendly... and WOW look at you GIRL you are so gorgeous! Well done on your massive weight loss, you are a true inspiration

[Jay's Wife]

well done Blondetastic on losing over 40kg! You are doing something for yourself and sometimes people feel insecure like that when one of them changes for the good. Hopefully most of them will come around and those that don't, well... their loss.

[blondetastic]

Michiemama - very good point: "On the outside, all people see is the success you've had - the physical. Noone knows the mental battles we face DAILY. It's just constant!" I think sometimes even we forget how taxing it can be mentally day in day out. The results are fast on Cohens, but the stuff we have to sort through mentally can make it feel like shovelling poo up hill Would be nice to switch the brain off sometimes. I find that part really difficult. Yes I take peoples bitchy insecure laden comments with a pinch of salt now too. At the end of the day it's one persons opinion out of 7 1/2 billion. Not even a blip on my radar no more.

Ladel yep its true, at first the compliments come thick and fast but taper off and eventually to some degree get negative. We know to expect it. We will keep rising above it and staying true to ourselves and our goals.

Jays Wife: exactly true - their loss. Sacrificing what was or could be an amazing friendship because of insecurities is sad for them.


So in celebration of double figures I went out last week and got a dophin bites piercing which is basically a double labret. I've decided when I hit goal I'm getting my first ink. It will be a toss up between a phoenix - I will always rise up out of the ashes, or a scorpion - no longer a doormat, people treat me like one and they might get a nasty sting It's personal to my life and a small visual reminder of what I really am capable of.

Also in my quest to achieve things other than weightloss and overcoming fears, I went out and got my car. Paid cash. I have a car (it's shared). But this is my baby. So forked out a very fair price for an VT V8 SS Commodore in black. I plan to do it up. Mechanically its sound, body a little rough but will come up nice with some TLC and kick ass modifications. I've met a guy through work who also has a nice car and likes working on them who has offered to help me out. This is going to be hands on for me. I want to learn as much as I can and do as much of it as I can. I need a project to keep my mind occupied. I figure it's going to be either a blessing or a lesson. My plan is one day to own a HSV. I considered getting a loan and buying a clubbie already done, but figured this is probably a good way to go at this point. So I'm feeling pretty fired up and looking forward to the next chapter.

[Tes]

You know I read this post about insecurities and I think im probably wierd in my thinking. I love how i feel when I am thin and I love how I look but dont get me wrong it is a lot of hard work to stay that way. It doesnt come easy its a constant battle in my head. I often look at thin girls and think - oh give me that body and ill be able to eat what I want until i make that one fat! Is that odd! I actually dont eat from insecurities about myself I do it because its comforting and i love it! If society and people didnt judge I probably would have been bigger and its because I cant handle the judging that I pull up my bootstraps. Imagine if no one cared - and I never felt shame - well then ladies I would probably not be here if I am to be blatantly honest. I think those who judge efforts to change out of jealousy are just horrid! but this post really made me think about what I would look like in a perfect world where appearances didnt count. Would I enjoy my food and carry on or would i constantly battle. Guess which it is. Saying this I am here because that isnt how the world works - but good post.

[Ladel]

Lol @ Tess - what an honest beautiful post, thank you for that *chuckling*

And BT!! CONGRATS on the car you must be so stoked. I've also been thinking about rewards that will be worth it to me and havent found THE motivator yet... but I will

[blondetastic]

LOL Tes I'm with you. What if in a perfect world no one cared? Who of us would be here honestly? Ok we may feel better, and sometimes its a health scare that finally gets people to lose weight, but not even that is enough always. Remember back a gazillion years ago when rubenesque women were the look? We have only ever lived in a world where thin is in. As a side thought, I do know that some girls are naturally thin and dont have to work for it. My sister was like that. Then she got engaged and married at 18. Her ex used to take her out on dates for hamburgers etc. She slowly put the weight on and never lost it all. Fast metabolism may keep some girls thin, but honestly, I am willing to bet they have some habits they either consciously or naturally adhere to which helps them stay that way. The % who dont have to anything and can literally eat what they like and do no exercise etc would be relatively small. Thats what I tell myself anyway hehe.

Interesting your comment about the comfort eating. Yeah it feels good at the time. For me, behind that I would be asking why something else isn't satisfying that need. Is it that I need that emotional support from someone? Now I feel a bit weird with what I'm saying, I don't want to project my beliefs/musings/thoughts onto you. But if I'm turning to something consistently for comfort even if its another person - rather than seeking it from different sources - eg. a soak in the bath, a hug, fun with friends, a good sleep etc, why do I fall back continually on the SAME thing. Even if its not food? For me, I want a rounded out life that I can feel good, get comfort or boost my mood from different activities or sources, not allow myself to turn to just one source because for me that translates to an unbalanced addiction. I think because a rich life to me is brought about by the obvious basics but also variety. Dont take this as me telling anyone else how they should go about things or view them, its just my personal way of ensuring I never look at food in that way again and that I keep in mind variety is the spice of life. This has to be a truly life changing inner personal changing experience for me.

Thanks Ladel, I know I need mini rewards along the way too. Sometimes they are harder than the bigger ones.

[michiemama]

Congratulations on your new car! Nothing like doing something for yourself to up the confidence... Just make you feel much more in control of everything doesn't it?

And you are sooo brave! I am absolutely terrified of needles! I get my yearly shots as required for my job and that makes me break out in sweats all over!!! Places you don't wanna know haha! I don't mind giving shots, as long as you keep them away from me!

I'm so happy you decided that those kinds of comments deserve the trash bin and not your heart. Let them keep rolling off. Our mental and emotional battles in themselves are enough to deal with. In the end, WE are the ones who thrives off our success and no one else so we do this for OURSELVES!

We are detoxifying our lives not just off food toxins, but LIFE toxins as well. Rubbish are people who can't find themselves anything but happy and supportive of you.

[blondetastic]

Thanks Michiemamma, not sure about how brave I am but I'm definitely putting myself out there this year to face a lot of my fears. It's paying off, but sometimes you just have those weeks where you feel the struggle.

Work is going a lot better, but I've suffered some rejections on a personal level this week, which sees me shift back a gear to negative thinking - I will never be good enough. I need to give myself a butt kick to get back my pro-me mindset. I have found myself watering myself down to please others. That is not something I want to do. I don't want to be editing myself for someone - anyone's approval. But that self doubt kicks in. Mostly I stay on top of it but I'm not gonna deny it's taken it's toll with what I have been eating. I'm not sure if getting past the half-way mark or getting into double figures or just the deviation a few weeks back and recovering fast are just putting me in a complacent mind zone. At this point I cant afford to waste time trying to figure that out - the answer will come in time. What I need to be doing is investing energy into revamping my motivation and getting back to fully backing myself in spite of what anyone else thinks of me.

Last weekend in a snap decision I decided to go away. I was pretty careful about what I chose to eat and the amounts but when I got back home despite having pretty awesome weather most of the week, I didn't just hop back on the wagon. It's been a week of being off and it's time to reign it in. I have been doing a lot of positive reading and trying to look after myself but the sleep has been suffering and that is no good for self control.

So I'm gonna just put it down here - a few things that I need to remind myself about the importance of seeing this through:

Getting my mindset refocused will have a snowball effect - I will feel happier. My confidence in myself will come back. I will strengthen my belief that I CAN accomplish anything I want including non diet related goals which will see me stretch myself beyond what the average person is prepared to do - this matters because in order to be more than average you have to do more than the average person and often do it alone. The ONLY way to keep smashing future goals is to smash the ones I have set for me now.

Let go of fear. The worst that can happen is nothing that cant be recovered from. The gains from keeping on trying and feeling the fear and doing it anyway are rewarding in big ways - bigger than what I can fully comprehend now. But some of them will bring instant rewards so it's a two fold thing - instant and long term, it doesn't get better than that. The more things I'm willing to try the more things I will continue to take on. This means new experiences, new friends, new skills etc etc. And possibly discovering passion for new interest. Life is meant to be lived after all.

Keep a positive mindset by not focusing entirely on when I reach my goals for motivation but one thing that is consistently popping up in material I stumble across online and in books I've been reading is mindfulness. Keep my thoughts out of the past, away from the future and stay right here in the present. It's a theme that has constantly come up this week. Life, the universe, someone or something is trying to tell me something.

I will do this. There is no such thing as quitting, or saying I cant. Its a given that I will reach my goal weight and many other goals this year.

I guess one thing I need to address is that the goals I currently have wont be reached for a few months. I do need some instant gratification - some shorter term goals, to keep me inspired on the daily. I love challenges. I think they make us stronger and teach us just what we are really capable of. But I definitely need some goals that I can reach a bit quicker especially over winter when I tend to get less motivated and probably suffer a bit of depression. I know for me the next 4 months are going to be the toughest. So I want some quick to achieve things to get me through and make me feel like I am accomplishing something.

Basically weightloss takes time to get to goal. My car takes time and money to get where I want it. They are my longer term goals. We are all time poor and dont have money growing on a tree in the back yard. So while I want something that stretches me, I dont want the challenge to be impersonal - in the areas of trying to find time or finances. More something that I once probably felt I wasn't capable of and the only challenges are my doubts.

Probably THE singularly most important thing for me to do right away is to get my sleep back on track.

[Heidimama]

Hi blondetastic,

I am late, but happy to hear of your recent achievements and personal physical changes and emotional growth! I admire the way you're using the experiences you're having to make yourself stronger. I am finally putting that lesson into practice myself, to let no one steal my joy. We determine how we feel, not other people or circumstances, or food. Captains of our souls!

Congrats again on your amazing progress. And sleep well.

[michiemama]

Hey B, I totally understand just wanting to get away sometimes. I do love going on surprise weekend getaways. My son loves them too! He is at that age where he still loves spending time together so I'm enjoying every last bit of that. I'm glad you were able to watch what your intake was.

It is quite unfortunate that all of us do have to go thru such rough battles with ourselves about getting back on. It is definitely hard to keep on track when it feels like it's been a lifetime of weighing and eating the same old stuff. The most important thing is acknowledging that you've fallen off - and immediately getting back on. Sure, it'll take you a little longer, but the point is that you've started down the path again, versus staying rooted onto one spot. You'll still eventually get to the finish line faster than if you stayed in one spot.

So keep chugging along. We're all in it together

[Donzie]

Hi Blonetastic,

Just been reading your diary and my heart aches for you. You've had one hell of an emotional roller coaster this last year. It sounds like there are people close to you who are disapproving or flat out rejecting you on some level. I just want to say that sometimes when people are harsh to others, reject others, it's not really about the other person not being good enough, but rather they are unhappy themselves and project that unhappiness onto those around them. Of course you are good enough, more than good enough.

You are doing a lot of internal searching on the road to finding yourself, finding your happiness and this creates change on many levels. It's this change that some people don't like, feel threatened by, or just uncomfortable even. Sometimes just giving them a little more time to catch up is all that is needed, it's also possible this relationship no longer serves and will come to it's natural conclusion leaving room for new friends who do serve better where you are now and heading in the future. I just hope you aren't beating yourself up over something that might not actually be about your flaws at all.

Regarding the EP. I have no doubt, none whatsoever, you will get there. The really wonderful thing about you Blondetastic is you know what you want and you know how to get there. Your sheer determination and internal dialogue focusing on your goals is truly inspirational. Thank you for putting so much of yourself out there. I think we all share many of your fears and goals and having you articulate them so beautifully raw at times does really pierce straight to the heart of those who are reading them. You have a talent for writing clearly.

Take Care XX

[blondetastic]

Thank you so much everyone for you encouragement. Its like getting virtual hugs.

I read what I put and I feel if that were someone else I would give them a hug and say hey girl you are going to be okay and sometimes you need someone to take care of you.

It's not easy being brutally honest but it's the only way. I strive to be upbeat and positive for my sake as much as anyone elses but in no way do I want to present myself as being that person 24/7. It can be discouraging to others who may be going through a rough time to see on social media, as we often do, that person who seems to have everything fall into place all the time. No ones life is like that. We all have times where we lose it, fall apart, cry etc etc.

I just want to keep it real. Overall I know I have enough fight and spirit in me to get out of the frame of mind I slip into sometimes. I guess I dont want to just motivate myself but I hope that something I put down here strikes a chord with someone out there and opens their eyes to what THEY need to do if they are going through some negativity in order for them to kick it to the curb and get back on track.

In this world so many females compete, drag each other down and try to out do each other. Its great to be part of a community where we all support each other. The celebration from seeing everyone reach milestones is far sweeter than solitary accomplishments. My wish is that we all reach our goals this year, but not just that, also during this phase of our life we get the knowledge about ourselves that transforms not just our bodies but our lives permanently for the better.

I came back to reread my post and any comments because I was tempted today to just have a coffee with milk instead of yoghurt, and if I do that the rest of the day will be a write off. Your comments made me sit up and say to myself just do it. Get it together right now and stop putting it off. It's Monday haha the day to start a diet right - though I usually rebel for some reason and choose any other day (I definitely think this is related to my stubborness) - by Wednesday I will be feeling confident and in control again IF I DO IT NOW!! So thank you everyone. Yeah I have determination but its the support from you guys getting me over the line right now. Much love.

[blondetastic]

Yep yep 2 days back on track. Setting myself a goal of 10 kgs in 6 weeks.

[Donzie]

Good for you. I know you will do it

[blondetastic]

Thanks Donzie!! So far so good. Whenever I go off plan I go up 3kgs and it takes 6 days to get rid of - 4 days down, 1kg to go.

I think it's more to do with the amount of time I am on Cohens and possibly coming into winter, I have to think twice on a regular basis and say no, don't be stupid you dont need that. We have left over curry sitting in the fridge - one of my faves and I keep resisting the urge to eat a bit. There is no point. So I wont. Monday I caught up with a friend for coffee. She was going to buy mine. Cappucino (not my usual fave - that's a latte) was calling my name. It had been a wet, windy miserable afternoon. I went for the bottle of water.

Sometimes it's good to look back at the things we have been saying no to and give ourselves the pat on the back we deserve. It can seem like a constant case of saying no, no, no, no, no which can be mentally taxing because sometimes it's nice to say yes. So I'm trying to say yes to other things. Buy the nice smelling candle or body wash. Over winter for me is the time I need quality more than ever. I hate winter with a passion. It affects my mood, so this year I'm trying to embrace it. Today isn't too bad, it's actually sunny and I've been fortunate most of the times its been pretty bad I've been at work anyway.

I'm probably feeling a little shaky still as far as resolve is concerned. THE ONLY things getting me through are thinking 6 months ahead to where I will be, in time for summer, and getting to my new lowest weight. Yeah it only has to be a 200g drop below my previous lowest to make me happy. (Scales are in 200g increments - which means for a new low I am chasing 1.2kgs) But I know just one tiny bite of anything non-cohens will make that impossible for days. I want to be there by Monday.

So Im going away this weekend. I want to try and take advantage when I can because I have to work weekends fairly often. This time will be different to last which I did after leaving work, coming home and deciding to pack. I really didn't feel like taking all my cohens stuff. Being planned, and not wanting a repeat of last time which took me a week to get back on track from, I will take scales etc this time.

I'm in size 16 at the moment, tops and bottoms. Looking forward to 14s. But its great shopping in normal sized sections again.

[Jay's Wife]

I love these internal dialogues, you are right, I do read something and think... "yeeeeeeeeesssssssss! That is what I should be doing."

Good going Blondetastic! Also enjoy the deviation free weekend away.