Maya's road to health (last part -part 2)

[hexi2]

Hey Maya

I think the body goes into 'nooooooooooooooo' and stops dropping just before you hit your goal weight....its like it just wants to hold onto the fat. Something similar happened to me. Just know it can't hold on for much longer...you are nearly there hun. Keep strong but yeah I know its disheartening...what about not weighing for a few days?

[Maya]

Thanks Vee, I will...
Hexi, hopefully it's true - yes, no scale for some time now... I'm gone for the weekend and when I come back, the scale will love me again...

[Annabelle Joy]

I think hexi's right and you are probably ready for refeed, Maya. Your body is different this time to last time. It seems you have gone into starvation mode with no losses.

AJ

[Mette]

I'd have to agree with AJ and Hexi, pretty lady. They know what they're talking about. And as you so wisely said to me once: listen to your body, not your mind - your mind is tricky, right?
Take good care of yourself, pretty lady!

[Maya]

Thanks for the concerns AJ and Mette... but I still have quite a lot to lose? I mean, I am not where I would like to be... not hardly!

I am tired of computer today, so I will be short...will read other diaries tomorrow...

The weekend was amazing - LOTS and LOTS of emotional cleaning - I haven't cried so much in such a short time in my life!!!!!
The driving took it's toll - more than 5 hours each way...we came back late...

I am extremely happy and thankful we found this woman...

Less happy with the weightloss if I can even call it weightloss - maybe better weightstability... I have lost only half kilogram in last few weeks.

I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. The first time around I was less careful, drank less water, had more red meat, worse quality veggies... more diet coke... and much faster weightloss...

I am not tired anymore, though. I'm feeling ok and started walking a little more, too.

I did order refeed today, because I'm at 57.5 kg right now and wanna have everything ready when I hit 55. And maybe I will be less impatient once I will have it ready.

I was working on my CV today and sent it to Austria. Spoke with my parents and it was just soooo nice. This working on my emotions during the weekend was really amazing. I learned so much!!!!


Mette - how did you manage to go through last part of the diet when it went sooo slow??? I'm soooo tired of this diet already!!!!!

[garden goddess]

Hello little Maya ,
Sending you buckets full of comfort.....things will get better.
LILY

[Mette]

Because my weight loss was up and down all the way through, I think. Some weeks gave 400 grams, others 1.2 I guess in the end it's about what your body is happy with. I didn't want to start refeed at 65, but my body told me in no uncertain terms that it wanted refeed NOW! Besides, my theory is that once I get to a point where I can exercise and combine that with Cohen friendly food, I'll get to where I'm meant to be

[Kohinoor]

Hi Maya,

A few thoughts (and, 'cos it's me, you'll know that I'm looking at it a bit different from you )

First off, it seems there has been confusion over "what should be your true goal weight" (almost from the start of the diary). Certainly there was massive confusion in your earlier attempt - with such a low weight.....

So, what IS your true weight? Could it be your body is already telling you "you've reached it"? Depending on WHAT you entered into your ticker, your current BMI is already below the middle of the "Normal range".

MOST others I see on here seem to have THEIR goal weight around BMI 22 or 23. You are already at 21.2......

So, could it be your body REALLY DOES need that refeed now ? If you have "problem areas", they are likely to be fixed over time (most people on here face that).

Earlier in your diary (this one) you admitted that photos you once thought "were fat" look pretty damn good now. So, how does a photo of you look today? Have you taken any? If not, why not ?

Many on here seem to have "trouble with mirrors", while a photo, or a glimpse of a reflection in a shop window, seems to "tell the truth".

So, from your words, I'm hearing you're hungry, I'm seeing you're already well into the lower half of "Normal BMI", and "you've had enough" (in your words to Mette). Could this be your body screaming at you too?

Or, does your mind still have an "I can do better than this" thought? Umm, take care with that one, Maya. Take some photos, check out some reflections, yes please DO order your refeed, and have a very careful think about WHY you would want to be "lower weight than normal for your body"?

Maybe recheck your shoe size again, along with your height, plug the numbers in, and, if you are already IN that range (AND your body is still screaming for food) then get into refeed !!!! And tell that mind of yours to concentrate on something else

Hugs,

Koh

[Annabelle Joy]

So pleased to hear that you had a great session at the weekend, Maya.

Do consider Mette's approach re finishing refeed then using healthy eating and exercise to tone up that last bit. As Koh says, you are certainly not overweight now.

AJ

[Maya]

WOW, thank You Lilly, thank you KOH!!!!!!! (SOOO HAPPY TO SEE YOU KOH!!!!), thank you Mette, the princess and AJ, the queen!!!!!
Wow, I'm blushing, getting so much attention, thank you thank you thank you!!!!

Very interesting, Koh - I was in the bookstore today, reading some of the books...the one Vee recommended, I also was reading Overcoming Overeating and some others about food... and I decided to start refeed to listen to my body and not charts and numbers.
Funny - I ate some beef yesterday and it filled me up big time! I have no idea why I haven't had it earlier?!? I still do some things I dont understand really...

So YES, I ordered refeed this morning, the consultant told me it will take up to a week or so to get it.

You are right, Koh. I didnt really know I was already in the right BMI, and yes, the pictures from me at 48.6kg do look very scary now. No pictures this time...I was so embarassed with the weight I gained back that I hid myself from everybody...not even thinking about taking the photos of me!!!! I will post some on the refeed day.

What is a little confusing is the shape of my face - my face is still so rounded - it was like this when I was "bigger"... I guess that's the price I'm paying for all this yoyo-ing.

I defenitely decided this is the last diet for me. I am doing more damage to my health with the dieting. I have to accept myself, accept my body the way it is.

The very interesting thing I learned this weekend was...
that as I thought that I after all, am addicted to food...well, the therapist told me I am not addicted to food...but addicted to negative thinking about myself, self doubt and worry. I worry about material safety (like...getting a normal job), then doubt about myself (am I good enough, ever?) and then self doubt (I dont think I will fulfill the expectations).

So, I am reading a lot of these books now and they help.

Thank you so much everybody...this means soooo much to me, really. Thank YOU!!!!!!

[thenewvee]

Hi Maya!

I'm so happy to hear that you are listening to your body! Congrats on ordering your refeed!

I hear you on the bit about

I am not addicted to food...but addicted to negative thinking about myself, self doubt and worry. I worry about material safety (like...getting a normal job), then doubt about myself (am I good enough, ever?) and then self doubt (I dont think I will fulfill the expectations).

It is a tough thing to work through and come to terms with. I hope you find your answers. It sounds like you won't be finding the main answers in the book I recommended but some aspects of it may be very valid for you.

I read a very good book by Wayne Dwyer called Pulling Your Own Strings which you may find useful reading.

Keeping fingers crossed you get that perfect job for you!

Vee

[Kohinoor]

Originally Posted by TheNewVee

I read a very good book by Wayne Dwyer called Pulling Your Own Strings which you may find useful reading.

Ahh, the ravages of Time !!! Vee, I recall Dr. Wayne Dwyer and a book he wrote - but can't think of the title. I DO recall "Pulling your own strings", and NOT buying it (as it seemed like a rehash of the one we knew and loved - and now I can't think of its name )

Even Google can't help me - I can't believe that this impressive man is NOT "top of the pops" in Google. Instead, a Dr Wayne Dyer is.... - and, 3 Google pages on, I STILL can't find what the book name was ( again....)

The book we have though, certainly held many truths for us. For me, his use of animals to "make a point" was awesome. e.g. he commented that a dog doesn't rate its bark as a B or a C instead, it just barks, as it is built to. Not for animals, the restrictions that we can place on ourselves.....

If a cat doesn't happen to catch the mouse, it simply sits down and licks itself (like, "No matter - it didn't happen this time, but I'm still important, even if I didn't catch that pesky mouse")

And hey, I'm doing my best - I don't have the book in front of me, so these quotes are my recollection of it....

Wife particularly like his opening page - went something like "Look over your shoulder - throughout your life, you will have an entity forever at your shoulder - it's called "your own death"..... It then went on to describe how this can affect your life (I don't remember so many details, but it was wife's favourite quote).

Hmm - think I'll ring the wife - the book is at home, and she might remember the name anyway (she's not as old as I am )

Woohoo - her long term memory is FAR better than mine - the book is "Your Erroneous Zones" by Dr. Wayne Dwyer. If you stumble over one in a second hand bookshop, do yourselves a favour and BUY it !!!

Koh
(an unashamed fan)

LATER: Well, I could have SWORN it was Dr. Wayne Dwyer - but no, it is Dr. Wayne W. Dyer who wrote "Your Erroneous Zones" (and "Pulling Your Own Strings") - so he IS top of the pops on Google after all (looks a LOT older than he did on our book - I wonder why THAT is )

A link for you:-
http://www.alibris.com/search/books/...oneous%20Zones

[Maya]

Well, Koh, you defenitely got me hooked on it. Will check this book today in the bookstore... I LOVE the thing about the cat licking itself after mouse escaped... Sooo true!

In my work I realized we have SO much to learn from animal AND from children. Even training a dog gave me so much understanding about life.

Thank you for this!!!! (and - am feeling much more relaxed now about starting the refeed when it comes...I am very grateful for the spark of sanity here - as I might have slipped again...maybe not so deep as the last time, but right now I need to stay focused and put health as priority)

[Kohinoor]

Hi Maya,

Will check this book today in the bookstore

Cool !!! Once you get it, DO share some of the quotes that sing to you eh? For me, it'll be like a walk down memory lane - I haven't picked it up in DECADES (maybe I need a refresher....)

Koh

[thenewvee]

Hey Maya!

Sorry about the author misquote . Thanks Koh for spotting it!
I own a couple of Wayen DYER's books so you would think I'd get it right!
Only they are still packed in boxes, so couldn't refer to them and went by memory.
Funny, I have that book Your Erroneous Zones too. It obviously did not make an impact on me as it did on you, as I don't remember the quotes you remembered. I think I will need to go hunting for it.

Maya, if you can go to the Geneen Roth workshop, especially as what she has to share speaks so to you, then DO IT!! What a fab opportunity!

Vee

[Maya]

Finally back in the diary.

Am in Hawaii at the moment, it is...well, just amazing...

I had a nice week, I must say.
After another downday, as I was doing my new emotional working techniqes...I came to amazing realizations that finally completed my vicious cycle...

See, I knew I had a problem. I knew I kept critisizing myself, always felt guilty, never good enough...I knew where it came from, but no way could I find out what to DO with it.

This time... The answers came.

On my morning walk in the hills...I got these amazing answers...

Our country, our culture is to work work work. Our country is known for hard workers (and hard drinkers on the other side). We do not take time off. You have to hate your job, come home sad and tired...a good mother is only a mother that sacrifices her life to the family, wears a suffering face the whole time... You can feel the change coming, but it is still very strong - the mindset is just sooo strong.

So, if I was working or being productive in any other kind of way (studying...), I felt OK. And food wasnt much of a problem.
But since I started to do what I like and unfortunately my family didnt approve it...I seem to turn to food more and more. Finaly I left my country. It felt good being in States, despite the culture here...I felt I could be more "me", I felt more respected, I felt I accomplished something..when at home, there was nothing that would ever be enough, there was always more I could have achieved.
And whenever I came home, I ate again.
Because I felt like a "dayloser" - as my dad calls unproductive people. So, it doesnt matter what I do with money I earn with hard work, as long as I work hard.

Now, when I finished the masters this year and then decided to leave the job here...

THEN I felt like A COMPLETE life/loser not only dayloser.

So, no wonder I had to be punished, because I am being BAD.
And how do I punish myself?
With what hurts the most.
And what hurts the most?
The Miss Piggy in the mirror (because my family sees bigger people as lazy).
So - I ate.
To punish myself.
I can't possibly be feeling happy or good.
Because I'm a lifeloser.

See, I was even pushing myself so down that I didnt wanna accept the fact I was 165 cm and not only 162 cm? I mean, what a bigger symbolic statement could I have made?!?!?!?! I jeopardize my health because I pushed myself so down, with being 10 kg underweight.

I can't even describe the feeling when all these little spread puzzles made the whole picture. So many years have I thought I really had problems with food...when it really is not about food. It is about self critisizing, it is about negativity... about the fear of never fulfill someone's expectations.

I know some of you will still wonder - so that's a huge thing?
Yes, for me - I know now.

I found the tools that help me. After 20 years of searching, reading, doing all kinds of techniques, selfhelp and psychology studying, it finally all makes sense. I am soooo grateful and blessed to come to this, I cant' tell you how freeing this feels.

I sooo wish everyone would be able to find that biggest pain that bleeds every time we get a little weak in life...

I still have a lot of work to do - but I know, I am finally on the right path.

And - after weeks of losing 200 g weekly... I finally dropped some more weight, so I only have anoher 1,4 kg to go.

I decided to do more walking, too... I dont care if that means I will stop the weightloss or build muscles...it just feels right to move more- this morning was absolute nirvana! Walking (I had to hold myself down BIG TIME, I sooo wanted to run!!!!) on the most beautiful road, next to the ocean, with such a bombardment of incredibly beautiful flowers, the smell is so strong you can get dizzy!!!! And mountains in the background...and ocean on the other side...

and...pssst!
I saw a whale!!!

[Annabelle Joy]

Maya, I see exactly what you mean. Yes, it does all make sense. And you are correct not only for yourself but for everyone. It's never about a problem with food, the problem is always elsewhere, the food is the symptom, not the cause. Also, very Freudian but true, so many of our problems can be traced back to our early lives with our parents.

The question I have is how you now go about negating all of the conditioning you've had at home.

AJ

[Maya]

AJ, Im not sure I understand - you mean how I will deal with the situation at home? Or with what happened in the past?

I'm using EFT which helps more than anything ever did (or it's just the right time for it for me) - which helps me whenever I feel down, sad, tired, anxious... it releases whatever is going on and makes me deal with the emotions underneath actual happening...it makes me understand what's happening.

But mostly I understand my parents, I understand the situation and amazingly - so far no weird thoughts came up yet (about self non acceptance, feeling guilty). I know they will.
But before - they came every single day many times a day... Now - nothing.

I BELEIVE and TRUST, because I KNOW better now.

Kind of hard to explain, but...even talking to my dad was never so easy before. I was firm, assertive and know I have to go my way either my parents like it or not. I know they love me, they want the best for me, they might never understand me, but I have to trust myself and follow my heart.

Hard to explain, but the whole accepting myself issue is so much lighter now - I know now what was that big dark cloud always hanging above me...

I'm not saying I solved everything. I expect more bumps on the road. But I have knowledge, tools and faith I will be able to deal with them and learn from them.

Is that what you meant?

[Annabelle Joy]

Yes, thanks, Maya. I was actually asking how you deal with it now. I'd forgotten you were using EFT.

I think my psychologist friend would say that you've hit on the right thing for you at this time.

AJ

[Mette]

I love epiphanies like that! No, everything won't be roses and rainbows from now on, but my god what a step in the right direction! So so so happy for you, pretty lady! Successfully implementing that mindset means that not only will you be able to maintain your weight after the program, but you will see what you are meant to see in the mirror: the beautiful, strong, courageous woman that you are!