Journey to a New Me

[mesmer_eyes]

@BFW and LD: thanks for visiting my diary and for the tips. BFW, I will go through yours so I can psyche myself up that I can do this. Yesterday I was feeling panicky and today my mood is just low, prob coz of the lack of sleep.

I keep telling myself "I can do this!" But my hunger and cravings are getting intense everyday, I am taking my chromium capsules, my vitamins (x a day), all my fruits and crackers and I am still hungrier..

With these 2 combined, Im just feeling "doomsy" on the whole upcoming days/events.. OH not to mention that the office had hit me big time today with the office farewell party (daily temptations list day 59)... its like taking a blow everyday..

Im the type who was never hard on herself (ergo- lifetime chubby/fat problem). Its just now when I started on CD that I had whipped myself into being so good..its tiring..

but still i know, i have to do what needs to be done to get my results..

LD, I do get that, "wow I cant believe I survived this day" feeling (most esp. on day 59) but cravings and hunger are there, and office is not making it easier..

I was this close to turning my car around and ordering 3 subway cookies today. 3 cookies, not 1. i am feeling so deprived I am thinking, how can this hurt? OR no, maybe I should buy this on the way home in the evening, so I will eat it, and sleep, and tomorrow is another day. I can be Cohen clean!

Internal battles.. I really do feel that Im punishing myself with this.. But this is not the way to look at this...

I guess its just one of them days.. when you get cranky, moody, and you feel that the world is up to something against you in every bit..

Thanks ladies :*

Daily Temptations List - Update

Day 59: Farewell party for our RM, its a full on catering from a 5 star hotel..OMG..the food I missed looked so good.. :'( 5 star hotel food, and 5 star hotel sweets.. The amount of food is mind boggling...


That huge carrot cake has taunted me like nothing.. I cried inside for that carrot cake....

[Butterflywings]

Arrggg I know those thoughts/feelings running through your brain right now. They trample through mine often, especially as the time goes on and on while on plan. Longer doesn't make it easier.

One day at a time. Don't punish yourself until you have actually done something to deserve it. At the moment, you're hanging strong and doing well.

This too shall pass.... (minute by painful minute sometimes)

[Butterflywings]

PS. I LOVE carrot cake, it's awesome, but doesn't taste so good if taunted with guilt. Goal for me is to actually enjoy eating the foods that are supposed to be "treats". (maintenance goal - not there yet)

[mesmer_eyes]

Definitely not easier BFW, whew.. I dont know.. Im usually fine in the mornings, but after my meal 2, it gets tougher.. maybe because all the temptation comes in around this time.. im just glad that my colleagues are supportive, they do offer me the food, but when i refuse, they dont make me feel bad about it.. they actually compliment me for my 'will power'

Re the carrot cake, everyone was gushing about it, that it was so good. there was a LOT of left over carrot cake coz I think they ordered 3 sets of 2kg carrot cake.. and by noon time, the leftover was gone (taken home most prob)

And I like what you said about punishment, and saw it in two persepectives:

Don't punish yourself until you have actually done something to deserve it.

1-- > punish = giving a myself treat(deviating) / deserve it = for being 99% DV free

2-- > punish = berate myself for deviating (when i do) / deserve it = coz i did the deed

and you are right.. enjoying the treats without the guilt should be the goal

Day 59: Observations

I've been hearing these a lot lately:

"Dont lose more, you are going to dissappear!" --

"You look tired, you should eat" -- Im looking tired right? why should I eat? maybe you could say I should sleep or rest?

"The charm in your face had gone" -- more than twice! ufff!

"Dont lose so much weight, if you become super thin, its not a good look as well. Your face has become too thin.. or about to." -- I agree with this, but at the back of my mind I am not yet at goal weight..

I dont mind them saying this, but I also cant be bothered about explaining/convincing them about the importance of reaching goal weight on the program..

I have noticed the following in myself too:

1) I cannot walk as fast as I used to and as fast or upbeat when I used to climb the stairs. I have muscular legs, and despite being overweight, I used to zoom through the 2 flights of stairs I get to climb twice in a day.

2) Been feeling some lower back pain.. Thought it was from yoga, but I havent been to the gym for a week now..plus I had a massage 2 days ago.. and the lingering pain is still there. its not like dying pain.. but more of a static, low intensity pain.. hmm how to explain?

3) Sleep has become even shorter. I dont sleep early, somehow I cant manage to. But for the past 3 days, I've been waking up at between 530-630am! I dont know if its my cat, coz she meows to open the balcony door in the morning, but thats usually around 7-ish..

4) Hungrier. I mean, I get hungry quite quickly after meals. Afternoons mostly. And in the morning before my first meal (which I take in the office) I find myself saying (outloud sometimes in the lift ) : "Im hungry.. Im so hungry." and then I rush off to the pantry..

I dont know whats going on, but I am on plan..

On the positive side:

1) NONE, as in NONE of my work clothes fit!

2) my skinny jeans is no longer skinny

3) my normal jeans, look like boyfriend pants on me now

4) being in a bikini is alright..

have some loose skin in my tummy area.. but its ok.. it just looks like im someone who needs to tone up.. stretch marks had made themselves visible on my hips and breasts though :'( I bought Bio Oil and try if it will work on them..

All meals taken &vitamins on time, 1DC, crackers and fruits in between.

Day 60: Feeling Rundown

Im just not a bagfull of sunshine today. I feel like crap. Im so sleepy the whole day. I am craving and just feeling hungry.. I dont think those chromium capsules are working?!?!

There were a lot of leftover sweets from yesterday's party. I was just feeling like I am being punished for not having any of those. Such as these ice cream scoops in the freezer. :'(

So in an attempt to pump myself up, I searched for old photos. The photos at my heaviest. I was so big then.. Huge..

Didnt work.

Im just chalking this up from being sleepless..

Cooked my 3 days worth of meals yesterday evening. Ate my meals on time today. Had my vitamins, crackers and 1 DC. I ate four peach/nectarines though. I just couldnt help myself. I was feeling so low and they tasted so good..

Daily Temptations List - Update

Day 59: Farewell party for our RM, its a full on catering from a 5 star hotel..OMG..the food I missed looked so good.. :'( 5 star hotel food, and 5 star hotel sweets.. The amount of food is mind boggling...


That huge carrot cake has taunted me like nothing.. I cried inside for that carrot cake....


Day 60: Tons of left over desserts from yesterday. A lot to fill 2 fridge/s..

[Butterflywings]

There will always be enough food!! (and by the sounds of it in your office- excess - TOO much food)

Once I realised this, it became a little easier for me, I didn't feel like I was missing out. It was just a matter of - not this particular "Cake, choccie...(insert any food here)

That delicious carrot cake haunting you right now...it will go...but there will ALWAYS be more carrot cake left in the world. You don't need to worry about missing out on the last piece of the most amazing carrot cake, because it's just not the case. You're NOT missing out on anything - there will always be more. And when you have reached goal - you can go out and find another amazing carrot cake, have a piece (in moderation) and enjoy it.

There will always be enough ...... you aren't missing out on anything!!!

(Just making this journey longer and believe me - at times, it already feels LONG ENOUGH!!)

[Winterboots]

gosh ME just reading your May timetable made me exhausted. You are strong and you will do this, well done for not giving into temptations that are put in your way. Just think that refusing to partake is good practise for maintenance as this is a life long journey.

The only advice I can give is not to skip meals - as it is when you are weak, tired and hungry that you are likely to cave in and deviate and I know once I have taken that "only one little taste", there is no stopping and that feeling of disgust and disappointment is far worse than the "poor me" feeling.

Not knowing how close you are to goal (is your ticker up to date), it is hard to know whether you are reaching refeed or not, maybe check in with your consultant.

All the best
WB

[mesmer_eyes]

@BWF: reading your last post is currently helping me.. i am at the venue of our event and i have some time to kill. I am sitting now at the hotel's receiving area/cafe and thinking should i order that cheesecake that i swear, the best i have tasted?

Of course i havent ordered after reading your post.. i figured since i ordered for the same cake for my besties birthday... i have the opportunity to have it AND refuse to have it then.. and after that our Annual event is at the same hotel ( i really do love this hotel for our events as the events team is marvellous) we will have that cheesecake available in our party and by then hopefully, im done with refeed (or somehow halfway through) and i can have a piece of it..

Thought processes... deee... dummm...

@WB: i know.. im getting overwhelmed with all of it too.. and these are just the events that i am doing.. there are others im organizing for my boss too.. i just dont know how i will finish this all work+diet. My gym membership will have to be frozen for now.. i doubt if i be able to will step back inside the gym until after my trip back home..

i dont know what my weight is as of today. I will be weighing and measuring 1st thing tomorrow and i reckon i am close to goal (?) *wishful thinking*

I never dare skip a meal.. i cannot let myself be tempted.. i carry my dinner with me everyday irregardless if im reaching home early.. coz i never know when i can get invited to impromptu meet ups with friends.. or get stuck in serious traffic.. i take with me all that i can have for the day---meals, fruits, crackers..

[lil_doll]

Hey Mes!

Keep pushing through! I see your ticker goal is very low on the BMI, so maybe you are closer than it appears.

I think nearly everyone goes through an early refeed symptom type of thing. Keep pushing through. I would say you're closer than 11.2kgs to go though.

[mesmer_eyes]

@LD: Yes, I will keep pushing through! with gritted teeth, I will reach my goal weight!!... rawwwwrrr!!

Day 61: Bring it On!

Today marks the first day of my event packed days which will test my will power the most.

As per my earlier post, I had some time to kill before the event and I read a book in the hotel cafe. Didnt give in to the cheesecake debate in my head..

We launched the Maifest tonight, and the tent was almost packed . The food looked marvelous! I miss my veal schnitzels and that strawberry vanilla cup ice cream. I have been recommending it to my colleagues, and when they had a taste, they went nuts for it.. AHHHH.. I certainly know my desserts...

The band was excellent, the place filled with fun people, standing on benches to dance, drink, and just be merry. I was with my colleagues and all of them ate all the German food on the menu and some of them drank.

I STUCK TO MY PLAN FOOD- MEAL 1 + 1 peach, and chugged a total of 3 DCs.

Boo yah! Victory is mine! (for today)

Day 61, DV free.

Daily Temptations List- Update

Day 61: 1 apple pie and 1 choco mousse cake- colleague's birthday..

I actually checked the birthday list for May, and there are only 5 ppl celebrating this month.. So hopefully my daily temptations list will become less!!! jeez

[mesmer_eyes]

ROUND UP --> Week 5 to 8 and Results

After 4 more weeks.. I lost another 5kgs!! A total of 13.7kgs in 8wks! Whooohooo!!

I was expectig a 4kg loss but I guess the meal switching had helped me cross that.

Here are the changes on the fitness parameters that I was watching out for and the main measurements. Full details are here

8wk results_small1.jpg

8wk results_small_cms.jpg

Round 3.. Week 9-12... Lets roll...

[lil_doll]

That's some amazing results, Mes!!

I am concerned about your goal weight though! You are already at the same BMI I was when I finished! haha.

What does it mean in your table where it says 'weight range'? And what is the range Cohens gave you? It's usually only a range of 3 kilos.

[mesmer_eyes]

Hi LD! Thanks! I got these info on this fat analysis machine at the gym that i go to. Its this machine where step in the metal platform.and hold 2 sticks on the side and that u need to hold and place your thumbs until it prints a report.. like this:

stats feb14.jpg

So it gives everything that you need to know about your current fitness.. and shows in which range u shouls be in for your height and built.. i use this as a reference point for me bec when i started i was a gym junkie.. logging a good 5-8hrs a week and eating like a junkie too..so nothing changed for me.. but i really did love working out so much that i thought so many times to back out on cohen due to the non exercise condition.. now i just do yoga 2x a wk.

My Cohen weight range is 57-59kgs..

As for the bmi on the ticker.. it automatically computes it, yes? I just placed my height, weight and date..(and update) and they match with the report too.. hmmm.. im 168cm tall.. how abt you?

Have a good day! :*

[mesmer_eyes]

Ive put some progress photo's up.. I know its been only 60 days in the program but the physical changes totally beats the crap out of my workout like a mad woman + crappy diet days..

Day 62: My First Deliberate Deviation

Ok guys, I've given in.

I was feeling so low today, like terribly low and I knew why. I wrote about it here: Feeling Alone

I carried on this low feeling througout the day. I was also very hungry throughout the day to the point that I am getting dizzy at times.

When I reached home, I decided to nap it off. I figured, everything feels better after waking up, but it isnt. So I went on to prepare my dinner before my meet up.

I just got this Provita Whole Wheat Crispbreads, and by far the best tasting CD friendly cracker I ve had so far!!! I cant believe I missed this out in the supermarket.. By the time I finished cooking, I had 3 of these already!! (deviation 1)

I had my dinner, and 3 more crispbreads went inside my mouth!! (deviation 2) and I didnt stop there, I placed my dish in the sink, took out the low fat mayo and started dunking these crackers in the mayo (deviation 3).. Before I knew it, I think I finished 20 more crackers!!!

WTF just happened????????

I felt pukish and queasy. I want them out! puke! poop! dont care.. and this is deviating with a CD approved food..

whew.. anyhoo, by the time I was about to go out for shisha, the queasiness is gone.

We went to a great shisha place..and this place had great food. My friend wanted me to have a taste of his carbonara pasta and I was debating whether to have it or not, since I have deviated anyway.. why not have a taste.

But I told myself a loud NO

I dont need to fall off the bus completely.. I am hanging by the rails.. and so I just sipped my DC, puffed my shisha, and sat there.. I have climbed back on the bus.. A little bit disheveled, but yah, Im good..

OR SO I thought.

I reached home at 2, found myself reaching for those provitas AND!! my fat free Philadelphia cheese and ate 10 crackers more.. followed by a fruit...

Shame on me!!

What I realized about deviations? If it happens, then it happens, but we all must need to know WHEN to CUT our LOSSES, and stop the deviation from being a full blown disaster... cut the losses short its tracks.. and move on.. You dont have to fully fall off the bus.

But what happened to me was, just plain stupid.

Shame..

Im just crossing my fingers that by having this "cheat" I would have given my leptin a boost for tomorrow. I will have to go for a walk or something

All meals intact, vitamins, crackers, fruits and 2 DCs taken today.

Day 62, not DV free..

Daily Temptations List - Update

Day 62:

1) 1 honey cake and 1 chocolate cake - colleague's birthday
2) brownies to celebrate the 1st year of the youngest department in the company..

[Reenna]

way to go, mesmer_eyes, you are so near! Have you checked with your clinic? You seem to be showing refeed signs,maybe they can already order your RF?

[lil_doll]

Hey ME!

Darn those crackers!! I so know that pukey feeling. I too have eaten them until I was nearly sick! Then I kept eating them!!

I have often felt like I really gobble them when my body is screaming for something more...

Anyway, best to draw a line under it and keep pushing forward!!

I am 169 cms, so we're pretty much the same height My Cohens goal is 58/62 (I take a size 8 or 9). I would guess your show size is smaller?

Anyway, just listen to your body because you do sound close to refeed... Maybe because you went to the gym so much, you have more muscle mass- which weighs more than fat!

[mesmer_eyes]

hi Reena.. yes i could be starting to have RF symptoms but I refuse to go to RF this early I mean it would be a great relief and would avoid the risk of falling off plan, but dammnit! I want to see myself at my target weight.. which I have never been on my ENTIRE adult life. Hayyy... just need to bear it and grit my teeth through it.

@LD: could be.. my muscle mass (when I started) was a bit over what was recommended for me, and I just lost 2kg from it since I started CD. which is good news coz it means, the other 11kg were lost from fat stores! burrrnnn fat... burrrrnnn!! my shoe size was 8 US before I started, but now I fit into a 7US (??) could be for that particular brand only.. i dunno..

them provitas! i swear! Deviation's minion in cracker form! i even think that i would prefer them over chocolates! i like them on cheese, on yogurt or dipped in coffee!

i was thinking to avoid this brand.. smart.. problem solved right there
or i could learn to control myself.. risky.. but hmm.. test to self control.. harnessing my self discipline.. will help me in the long run if successful..

deee dummm deee..

[Butterflywings]

Hi ME,

I read your blog (from links above), particularly about your 2 day experiment. How are you feeling now? Back on track? I have to wonder - I'm extremely interested in your thought processes, why you chose to do this, when you have been faced with some many occasions with glorious food around you, but wanted to experiment in such a way - at this time.

What did you learn from it? Did you find it too risky? Would you do it again? and why / why not?

I am curious as you are very "scientific" and experimentally based in your approach to this, and am wondering if this has affected your motivation, confidence, and craving levels.

I am working hard (and it's working - kind of) to change any kind of binge behaviour I have had in the past, so I'm not tempted by such an experiment, but I'm still curious as to the affect such a deliberate experiment has had on you at this particular point of your weight loss - only about 6kgs to go

[mesmer_eyes]

@BF: Thanks for reading my blog! Im contemplating posting the Day 63-64:Binge Experiment here bec I know it is seriously frowned upon. Plus it will really seem stupid to some people.

Why now? Honestly, Ive been toying with the idea of deviating, how it feels to fall off the bus, that feeling/repercussions of such, no one can actually tell me about. Yes I have read it too many times, but I still really dont 'know.'

Deviating is supposed to be a mistake. And this misake I have to le]arn for myself. But what I did is to turn this to my advantage, to give my self-control a test. See how strong /weak it is given that I am allowed (by myself) to have those food. Its very risky I know (like my blogger name suggests- Risque), but there's no other way to find out. I dont want to be dumbfounded during or after refeed that my self control crumbles in the presence of freedom.. I want to be ready for it

Why this way? Why not one of those days with a more worthy temptation is around me? Because then, I would have given in. This time, I chose to give in. Its not a helpless situation that I can blame the office/that birthday celebrant /that event for and then beat myself out with guilt.

How can I be guilty if I have made the conscious decision to have these Binge days? Nobody is to blame but myself. So I really cant blame myself.. Any side effects to that, will be the price I have to pay for my choice and I have to be big girl about it. Yes, the craving was there, but I know I could have made it deviation free too on those days..

These are my findings for the 2 days and what I could do to improve/change/keep. Its not really so much:

Day 63: Unplanned Experiment Day

Findings:

1) Provita Wholewheat Crispbreads --- brings on an uncontrollable binge desire.. --> try again to prove whether or not it brings the binge desire out (it tastes better than Ryvita!)

2) Chocolates - capacity has reduced --> Good but needs to improve, find a way to eliminate OR find a fail-safe way of slowly eliminating from system

Day 64: Come as it may Experiment Day

Woke up: +1kg

The experiment continues..

Findings:

1) Provita Wholewheat Crispbreads --- definitely brings on an uncontrollable binge desire.. --> AVOID!! switch back to ryvita and finn crisp

2) Stomach food capacity had shrunk ---Although I can still eat the way I used too, I know the point on when I should stop.---> Good

3) Chocolate appetite --- not the same. the chocolates dont bring in that 'orgasmic' satisfaction, from any type of chocolate ---> Great. Do not even think of starting to develop the gusto for it after refeed..

4) Self control --- good but still dodgy--> better reign it in NOW

Day 65 : Post Experiment, I gained 3kgs, was bloated, gassy and cramping. The next day being OP, I lost 2kgs the next day- Day 66: My Kung Fu Is Strong

I am back on plan and deviation free for 2 days now. But it is not without difficulty. I still do want to eat those crackers, I still feel hungrier in the afternoon, I still do want to eat the last pack of chocolate that was left over from the binge experiment and staring me in the face everytime I open the fride.

But I choose not to..

I am still worried about the upcoming days.. the events that i have to go through. There is still that doubt that I will give in because I was tempted, because I lost control. I am going off plan during my trip on 14-17 may, i have accepted this. But still I will bring my packed food for 3 days, in the hopes that I can eat most of them.

I can drop dead and all, but I will be deviation free as what I initially planned..

Hope I made sense

Day 63-64, binged, not DV free
Day 65-66: back on plan, DV free and up by 1kg

[Butterflywings]

Hi ME, I don't know if u have read my diary, I've make controlled, purposeful decisions to go off for specific periods of time, and also experienced the emotional driven deviation through exhaustion, or emotion, which is harder to deal with and overcome. It is all in the mindset, which is why I found the foods u chose, the kind of junk I used to consume in the emotional out of control way. For me, the food in that state was never enjoyable, I usually didn't even truly taste it at times. If I had been in your skin, in those days, I would have gone for "the luxury items". Or...were u trying to trigger the sugar, carb craving...which for me, comes after a bit of time. The drive more me to deviate badly is emotion... You experiment seemed like you had that part under control. (I'm assuming, I read it that way). I do enjoy how you like to test, analyse and use yourself as a guinea pig.

My diary also has posts in it where I talk in depth (to myself), about the fears of having the perfect cohens journey which I felt was setting me up for a big crash and burn afterwards, same as u mentioned.

It's different for everyone. Best to work out what works best for yourself.

[mesmer_eyes]

Hi BFW! Yes, I was going for my trigger foods. I usually ate this way when I am at home, after work or on weekends in front of the TV. I have figured out that I eat this way out of boredom, and it is soooo convenient for me to order these junk as the grocery is just below my building. I ask them for 1 cup of milk tea (1 DHS worth) and they will deliver to my door. If I wanted a meal, I can order KFC or Nandos or subway, anytime and I will have them without the minimum order amount as they are within close proximity to my house that I can walk to these places.


So those food, are my go to items. Almost everyday I have any one (or 2) of them x 3 in quantity. I do have the emotional eating part sometimes but I tend to binge more often out of boredom

I agree with you that its all about the mindset.. which is very tough to maintain throughout.. the fears of the perfect Cohen journey, is one of the reasons why I want to feel the 'damage' the deviation can bring upon.. the hurt, the setback, the dissapointment.. my self discipline was never in line.. it had taken YEARS of all of these to finally buck up and do something about it through taking on the CD. The results are amazing and its all too easy to fall back on our old habits, being in this happy place..

Im just glad, I was able to stop when I intended to stop. I could have spiralled on from there..

Day 67: Oh.. You Dont Know Pain!!!

Until you wake up at 1:30 am with this excruciating tooth ache that makes you cry and scream! On top of that, being in the middle of the night, you have to bear the pain for 8 more hours before you can go to the dentist.

Pain killers? You decide to skip it, as you dont want to risk your weighloss further.

By 10 am, you find out, you need a root canal. And there goes the optional money you kept for a new(cheap) LED TV.

WHAT THE FOOOOOOKKKK!!!

(Disclaimer: I cannot even imagine the pain of childbirth nor am I saying that this is more painful.. but still :'( )

This is how my day started. I couldnt sleep because of the pain and by noon I had the 1st phase of the root canal process, with 2 more visits to the dentist in 7 days.

Of course, with no sleep, the scale didn budge at all. Havent gotten rid of the last kg gained during binge experiment.

Worse, I had 3 anesthesia's today, 1 topical (it was pineapple flavored and sweet) and 2 injectables

Worst, I have to be in antibiotics 3x a day and pain medication 2x a day for 5 days!!!

There goes my weight loss.. sad..sad.. sad..

Im just glad I cooked my 3days worth of meals yesterday.

I emailed my consultant about the medications (Megamox 625mg and Dolgit)..havent heard from them yet.. Feeling sad about this.

FOOOOOOOOOOOKKKK!!

All meals intact, vitamins, crackers, and fruits taken. No DC..

Day 67, DV free.