Vee's Refeed Diary (OMG, I Made it!!)

[hope_ful]

hey vee
been reading up on your refeed diary.. you're doing so well!! a big loss on refeed.. i cant wait til im in your shoes!!!! i could be really off, but if you cant have cow's milk, are you allowed soy on refeed or maintenance?
most adults are actually lactose intolerant, its just that not everyone shows signs of it. humans are the only animals in the world to drink milk as adults, and the only animals in the world that drink the milk of a different species. imagine how weird it would be if, driving through a game park on safari, you saw an elephant drinking a giraffe's milk!?! i weaned myself off milk and onto soy, and for a few months i even ate soy yoghurt and soy cheese.. yes soy tastes weird for the first 3 coffees, but i swear on my life i literally cant taste the difference anymore! when im at a cafe, if i didnt see them pour the soy milk, i get a bit freaked out and make my boyfriend/sister/friend taste mine first, as they can tell me if its soy or not, because my taste buds have gotten used to it!

anyway im doubting you're allowed it on refeed, but try it on maintenance if you havent already. i buy the vitasoy green one, its high in calcium and fibre. cant wait for a soy chai when i finish!! hehe

you're doing so well.. 4 days left. omg!!!


enjoy your last weekend on cohens!!!!!
xxxxxx

[Maya]

Vee, maybe your body just had a strong reaction to milk because you were so clean for so long now...
When I started eating after refeed I had terrible terrible cramps (not during refeed as much as later), but even that kind of dissapeared once my body got used to them.

I wouldn't worry much about the milk and yes, there's so much different substitutions now...Hemp Milk (in my opinion) is the best - might not taste so great, but if you use it for some cooking or something - it is the best for your body.

[thenewvee]

Starting weight: 65.1kg
Today's weight: 64.4kg
Difference: -700g

It's interesting how things work. I started reading Think Slim yesterday, listened to the hypnosis audio the night before, just getting to all the good stuff! With me it cranked up the anxiety level and the crankiness. I ended up having some wine and icecream last night - not a full on binge, but some non the less before I'm supposed to! This old programme of not being worthy to achieve my dreams and goals is being bloody persistent. So while I'm still feeling very cranky and out of sorts today, probably annoyed too for giving in to the old knee jerk reactions, I'm at least giving myself a pat that I did not have an all out binge, which I could quite easily have done, as there was still half a litre of icecream screaming "Eat me, I'm so lovely and creamy and I will make everything alright again!!!"

I know that that is all a lie and that I'm really going to have to take baby baby steps! I just want to finish this refeed right, not stuff it up! So when I weighed this morning, I expected the worst, but there was no gain, so a big sigh of relief and keeping fingers crossed that tomorrow doesn't bring any gains.

Today I'm supposed to be adding butter to one slice of bread and having a plain biscuit. Haven't been able to bring myself to having that yet. I haven't had any more milk on the programme either, and I don't think I want to!

Another thing I've also discovered, I still hate the taste of Chardonnay!!!!! If that is all we are supposed to drink wine-wise, I'd rather go without!

The programme is also increasing the new proteins and vegetables and decreasing the old proteins and vegs being added. Still having normal cohen fruit and 2 bad fruit a day! Today was a plum and a banana (not at the same time!).

Anyway, I know I've only got 3 more days of refeed after this one, but it still feels soooooooooooo far away! I think I'm fearing the end and that is part of what triggered off my episode last night!

I treated myself to a massage today, and my therapist said she could feel a huge difference in me since she last saw me (about 4 weeks ago). She also said she could still feel fat cells in my legs (around the area lower thighs/just above the knee area) so she worked on them to help break the fat cells down a bit more. She is so good! I'm going to have another one in 2 weeks time as well! I reckon I'll really deserve it then as I'll be finished and on maintenance!

Thanks everyone who visited my diary! Katie, Maya, Mette, Jo, fellow refeeder Jenny - whose body also loves refeed and Hopeful!

Hope you are all having a great weekend!

Vee

[hexi2]

Hey Vee sorry to hear you are feeling like this...

I hope you find the winner within you because we all know you deserve it! Keep reading and things will get clearer did you get angry because it (the cd) was not what you wanted to hear?

I know I wanted to find something/searching for answers that could justify my old way of eating - the psych put her finger right on it and said the longer I search the longer I won't accept that I need to eat differently for life.

Deep down we know what we need to do but at the same time don't want to accept it...food = reward is embedded! It is something we need to change...

Try to find time to meditate, change your environment when feeling angry..panicked. Hey Vee I don't know what else to say but it is something we have to continually work on and sometimes it doesn't seem fair. BUT it is less fair to abuse our bodies and return them to their previous state...we deserve better and therefore need to treat ourselves with love instead of abuse..

Hugs love

PS..my second binge was during refeed after I had a wine and 1 bikkie I ended up eating the whole packet...and it scared the *&^( out of me... so I went back 1 or 2 days? and then continued

[Maya]

Sorry you have to battle with those demons, Vee... But still - you didnt completly give in - you took a taste, realize you dont like it and now just go on...
I'm in a rush, catching a plane (lil nervos about what's workshop gonna do with my head).
Vee, isn't PLUM a GOOD fruit and we're not suppose to have it anymore? Just
old and bad?
Just saw that when you wrote...
ok, hang on girl!!!!
Just few more days to go!!!! (I still have LONG 9 days and I am tired of this refeed, this diet, this whole food thing BIG TIME!!!!)

[cc75]

hi vee - just catching up on your diary petal. you're almost there so set yourself a few more goals in maintenance so that you don't end up feeling lost. the massage sounds great! keep going. cc

[thenewvee]

Starting weight: 65.1kg
Today's weight: 64.2kg
Difference: -900g

I'm feeling a lot better today. I've been taking it baby steps. I've been doing a lot of mulling it over and I've decided to have some faith in myself and this process. I've shown that I don't go out and have an all out binge, that I can stop after just a little bit, and that is what I'm going to use to build on to maintain this new me.

I think I'll let myself settle down with this and just travel along for a while before I look into indepth changes. I think my mind might be rebelling against too many changes perhaps, as well as all the body changes and it may just be that it is all too much. That on top of the new career and work and circumstance changes as well.

I'll finish my refeed as it is stipulated and then I'll do some meal planning and pretty much stick with the plan but still allow myself the odd extra, if I want it, without depriving myself as well as without having a full on binge fest!

Thanks for your kind words Hexi and Maya! It is all a discovery process I guess of what works best for us and for each of us, it is something totally different! I know that food = reward is still deeply embedded and its going to take time to change that. Time is something I got lots of, especially now I've regained my health! I actually didn't get angry, well not that I was aware of, I fell asleep to the hypnosis cd, so consciously, don't know what it said. I think I'm trying to achieve too much too soon, and in the vein of being kind and loving myself, I'm giving myself time to adjust to all the new changes before I bring in new ones, if that makes sense.

Maya, I hope the workshop goes good for you and that you keep your head intact!!
You are right, plum is a good fruit! My bad, made a mistake there, had the wrong fruit! Those good fruits finished real quick! I too want to be finished with this refeed, and I just want to get on with living! I want to enjoy life not be obsessed with foods and weighing etc. I will take your advice and plan some meals that I enjoy and that are cohen friendly and keep to those most of the time, and enjoy the other occasions as and when they arrise.

Vee

[NicNac]

Hi Vee - first thing, is that I'm glad you've put your slip into perspective and are not beating yourself up. That would be the criminal part - not the slip itself.

This might put the cat amongst the pigeons - but I'm that kind of girl. Below is a link to the website of the author of the book "If not dieting, then what?". His name is Dr Rick Kausman and was recommended to me by my dietitian.

After you are through refeed and maintenance you will need to make ongoing choices and I would hope not go on to live a life of guilt and deprivation. The Cohens way of life is not how I see myself eating when I have lost my weight - I enjoy food and plan to find a way to manage it, keep the weight off and yet still partake in life and enjoy all that it has to offer - including food that some others might see as diabolic on occasion.

This is the premise of Kausmans book and the workshops and seminars he does. He is widely respected in the medical arena for his everyday commonsense way of not only dealing with the issue of obesity - but people themselves.

You may be sick up to your back teeth with all the books and strategies you have opened yourself up to - but maybe have a look at his website and preview of his book and see what you think when/if you feel up to it.

I'm sorry but this referring to some fruits as bad just does my head in. There are no fruits that can be called BAD. Some may have more carbs in them - but to refer to anything natural and healthy in it's own right as BAD - is just plain wrong in my opinion and helps create a very dodgy mindset long-term. I get it that on the program carbs are limited, some omitted and then reintroduced in refeed/maintenance - but of all the words to use for these fruits why come up with BAD. Why not "secondary" or "after program/refeed fruits?" or any number of other words. But BAD!!!! - now I think that is just plain BAD. I will never refer to any fruit or vegetable as bad.

Sorry Vee for the rant in your diary. I must keep these thoughts for my own instead. Anyway - the link for the website is as follows

http://www.ifnotdieting.com.au/cpa/htm/htm_home.asp

Continued success Vee - and all the best. Nick

[princess_sunbeam]

Hi Vee
Great to see you so near to the end of refeed! I bet you are getting excited!

I was reading a few days ago about your wine/ice cream event. These statements you made really have me worried for you:

"not being worthy to achieve my dreams and goals"
"giving in to the old knee jerk reactions"

These are only my observations, but sometimes I wonder if you read/worry/obsess too much. All these books centre around the "not worthy" thing, have you stopped to think that maybe you just plain and simply enjoy these foods? That maybe it has nothing to do with "not being worthy" ? There are plenty of slim people out there who eat ice cream and drink wine and I am sure they dont have these feelings. Maybe it is time to put away all these books and enjoy living life - of course in a sensible way- and rejoice in the fact that you are an amazing person who has achieved a HUGE goal and should just be really proud of herself? You are inspiring and motivating so many people Vee. How about for a day, you stop trying to find reasons as to why you became a big girl, and focus on- "if I had been skinny all my life, how would I have eaten"? Try talking to/observing some people you know who are naturally slim, and see what they eat for each meal in a day.

Tkae care
Jen

[maria1969yellow]

Hi Vee having my say also and Im sure you can relate to all the posts on this forum I think the majority of us its the emotions that can or would once control us..
I really believe your working it all out and with a litte more self trust with your planing your going to be A OK!

I definately have my favourite meals now with my new healthy me and with all the tools we have learnt and what we have learnt about ourselves and will continue to do so we will be fine!

Cant wait to hear how you go through maintaince are you setting some goals. I think I read that if we can maintain for atleast 6 months that the statistics show most of us will maintain for 7 years.. It was some trials a university were doing but anyhow I reckon if we can achieve getting to goal and refeed we can achieve anything. We just haveto work out whats right and wrong ourselves at some stage also.

Your done so well Vee..
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.. Im so ready for refeed.. LOL I know you shouldnt want it so much but..

Big virtual hug to you fellow cohenette!

[Snugglebear]

Oh Vee

What on earth are you doing to yourself?? You are an attractive, intelligent woman who can do anything you set your mind too so why do you underestimate your self-worth? We all think you are an absolute bl**dy legend and you don't think you deserve to be slim. Of course you do, you worked very hard to get where you are physically, let yourself enjoy it. Stop overthinking it!!!

Long term just work out a plan that you can live with. Someone brought up the 80/20 rule and that seems fair and reasonable. You cannot be perfect, but let's face it who is??? But you can be the best Vee around in fact you already are babe.

Take care Vee

Jo

[fiona.sutton]

Hi Vee
You are doing everything right - acknowledging a set back, but also allowing yourself to see the success - the "stop" of the binge. Being KIND to yourself. Giving yourself TIME to adjust to the changes in your life. It is soooo wonderful to read the last few posts. Congratulations. You have such strength of character, such honesty, and the cleverness to seek help from all sorts of places - books, professionals, massage therapists, and people - I am so happy that you are re-affirming your goals and giving yourself the space to achieve them...

Hugz
Fi

[thenewvee]

Thanks everyone for your wonderful caring posts! It means a great deal to me having your support and advice and insights as well as being an outside opinion to get a better overview of the whole picture!

I'm feeling more comfortable at where I'm at now. Just taking those baby steps and adjusting, acknowledging that I have learnt a lot during this Cohen journey and I'm trusting that it will stand me in good stead, instead of expecting the worst of myself, which would be to resort to old bad habits. I know it is probably lurking there in the background, but will cross that bridge when I get to it.

Thanks Nick, I understand what you are saying, and while I will probably never be able to eat everything I want, when I want, so long as I'm mindful I should be fine. I think you misunderstand about the fruits being 'bad' and 'good'. These are groups of fruit so classified in the refeed and the terms good and bad relates to their effects on the body.

Jenny, I do/did worry/obsess too much. Already put an end to it and am enjoying my success and looking forward to being finished the program so that I can enjoy the occasional different food item. As always when worrying/obsessing, it is fear driven, and I was afraid that I would lose control once I got to maintenance, partly because I still have some of that 'I was deprived' mentality, but also because I know myself so well now, and I know I love food and it could be oh so easy to slip back into old habits, as we all know! Was just trying to be one step ahead and created more stress as a result! Thanks for your insights!

Maria, thanks to you too! I'm starting to have faith in myself more and yes, been thinking of those goals for maintenance! Thanks for the hug, much appreciated, and you will love refeed!

Jo, I know, I've been stressing a tad lately!! LOL
I'm good, I like the 80/20 rule, it makes sense to me and to be vigilant and mindful of what I'm doing/choosing. I know I've worked hard to achieve this result and that I do deserve and I will maintain this new slim bod because I am worthy! As is everyone here on this forum doing and achieving wonderful things!

Fi, thanks so much for your kind words. Yes, it all takes TIME, and we're all so impatient and want it yesterday.... I know baby steps and time will get me there and keep me there. It is a constant learning process!

I feel like I've had a HUGE learning curve this last week! And that obsessing about food/weight etc, is going to do the exact opposite of what we really want, so I've let it all go for now. Just finishing the refeed and then find a rhythm in maintenance.

I got to have alcohol again today, and so I had a vodka and srite zero. It was much nicer than the chardonnay, but no big deal. I got to have a biscuit as well today, which was quite nice. I just had a plain one, one of those Nice biscuits. I also tried milk again this morning in my coffee, had some flatulence again, but not half as bad as the first time I had it.

Have a great week ahead everyone!!

Vee

[thenewvee]

Starting weight: 65.1kg
Today's weight: 64.4kg
Difference: -700g

I'm feeling a lot more relaxed. Stepping back from the whole maintenance saga has been a good choice. My weight was up by 200g today.

Not much change in my foods today, a small decrease in old proteins and old veg and a small increase in new proteins and new veg.

I decided that today I will give the bread a miss and stick with crispbreads. I just felt like a change. I had a pretty relaxing day yesterday, and it was good.

It also feels good to be on the last 2 days of my refeed.

I've been thinking about the foods/meals I've enjoyed on the programme and have been putting together a bit of a list of the ones I really enjoyed as a future reference list for maintenance meals.

I hope everyone has a great week!

Vee

[JennyC]

Hi Vee, I have been thinking about the post Jen (princess sunbeam) wrote and I have been relating it to my journey aswell. I feel like I need to also take a step back from obsessing about failure in maintenance and just take it as it comes being vigilant is important but I think putting to much focus on it pushes us towards bad choices sometimes, at least I feel like it does to me.

You sound really chilled now about finishing you refeed and going into maintenance. Good for you.

Have a great day

JennyC

[hexi2]

Thats fabulous Vee that you are stopping the obsession as it really can be all consuming...

Everyone has their own journey and you are on yours - you will know what is right for you.

As for the Vodka?? I thought we were only allowed wine during refeed? I can't remember now...

[km64]

Hey Vee - its amazing to think you are so close to the end of refeed. I wish you well in your last days and great idea that you've been thinking about what you've been eating and about maintenance and how its going to look. You will do fabulously - you've come so far in your head!!

Cheers - Kay.

[Scotty]

Hi Vee

Good to see you are feeling more relaxed. We all know what stress does to our bodies and I sometimes think trying to analyse every thought we have about food increases that stress. Viscious circle.

Thanks for visiting my diary. I am using program no.2 which I bought in August last year but I just couldn't commit to it. I had a stint in hospital which messed up my resolve to follow the program and then I just couldn't get the same enthusiasm again - until now. I read Faithy's post and it was a mirror image of my circumstance and I suppose it gave me the push I needed.

I know you can see this through to the end. I think you are right to avoid bread - and anything else with refined carbs, they are the killers for me and what got me back to this position.

Anyway keep positive and see this through and I hope you continue to post in the maintenance section

[Snugglebear]

Hey Vee

Glad to read that your head is back in a happy place. Baby steps and 80/20........they could become our new mantras.

2 days to go, excited or scared??? Abit of both I am guessing but you will be great, you always are

I went shopping again and tried on a pair of size 10 pants. They fitted but were a little snugger than I would be comfortable with. The 12's kick butt and I bought a pair of size 12 jeans for $10. Maybe I am getting better at this.

Take care darling girl

Jo

[Zambuck]

Vee
pleased to read you are being less obsessed about maintenance. You have come so far, learnt so much about yourself and your body, that sort of knowledge doesn't go away just because you enter a new chapter. You will remain in control and just enjoy what each day brings.
Thanks for popping by my diary, it means an awful lot to those of us who are new here to feel the support of those who have been there/ are doing it.
Sail on you champion
Chris