Journey to a New Me

[Relles]

Ohh! I'm sorry to hear about your tooth! How awful, and yes the wait until you can go and get it seen to, is bad.
I hope it's on the mend super quick.
Wow perfect timing on the pre-prepared meals!

[Cazspaz]

awwww shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit there's one of dem curve balls life likes to throw our way. You sound resilient though mesmer - you'll bounce back in no time and get to finish this I just know it!

[mesmer_eyes]

@ relles: thanks hun x the 2nd visit was awful! it was the day to check if nerves were dried up already and 1 wasnt, and I swear I could kill her for not giving me an anesthesia. I was crying on that chair!! Im now scared for my 3rd visit (the last one), she said by that time, the nerves will be all dried up and no more pain when the filling will be placed in.. Im skeptical.. she did tell me I will feel pain on my 2nd visit, but tolerable she said.. tolerable my a$$!! I dont cry so easily and yet I left the chair with mascara running and all!

@caz: hmm Im not so strong as I thought I had made myself to be.. this weekend was a CD disaster.. off the bus, rolled over by the bus, and still alive by the way, dumbstruck with my own dumbness..

Ah lot of negative self talk today.. its best to leave it all behind yesterday and move on from today onwards.. feeling strong.. but doubtful

Here it goes.. dont hate me..

Day 69: Dangerously Hungry

Woke up: -500gms (100gms left to lose to get back to my weight before the binge experiment)

From today until Day 73, I will not weigh myself. I will just note my weight before I go for my duty trip which will call for eating off plan.

I was hungry all throughout the day. Even after meals, crackers and fruits. I had 2 medium peaches at one go by 10:45am (deviation1), because I was so hungry (?)

"Grumble.. grumble.. grumble" says my tummy..

By 4, I finished all my cracker allowance.

I was wondering if this was all in my head and I am just craving. So I stuck through the hunger. I felt the hunger from my midsection. Definitely not a craving (right?)

Went to the dentist in the evening. I was so hungry while I was driving, I kept gripping the wheel. Had water throughout..

"grrrrrumble.. grrrumble.. feed me woman!.. grumble" my tummy said..

I finished with the dentist in pain, 1 nerve is not dry yet, least to say I ended up crying in the chair. Temp filling back on.

I had the extra 5 crackers and my consultant has said to take in this situation, so as to avoid the possibility of deviating. BUT I HAD MORE.. I thought this too shall PASS...but it didnt.. cracker overdose

All meals intact, vitamins, crackers and fruits taken. 2 DCs and lots of water.

Day 69, not DV free.

Day 70 & 71: Self Sabotage Weekend

All that righteous talk, phewft! out the window...

No experiment, just giving in to old habits. And its not like there something emotional that happened. No, its just me being lazy, slacking off, taking a break, or whatever it is you want to call it. I was just lazy.


Me to me: "you arrogant $^%&^*&8!! "

I have given away my stock of Provita's as it does bring out the binge. It always starts with this.


Day 70: Cracker Doom

I ate Meal 2 for breakfast.. and found myself eating Provita's for the rest of the day, topped off with Liver Spread from Germany + DC.


By the time I hit the beach with a friend, I felt so bloated, it hurt to even lie on my tummy to tan my back..

Bring in the birthday celebration.


Since I didnt cook today, I ate at my friend's party that I hosted. I tried a few of this and that, not really hogged (in my opinion), but didnt choose the type of food either, had a few:


- 5 forkfulls of the bavarian pork salad
- 3 spoonfulls of that pork knuckle
- 2 spoonfulls of smoked salmon
- 3 spoonfulls of baked potato with sour cream


It was the Maifest ey! so pork, pork pork all around!
Im guessing what I ate is a normal sized plate, almost full..


But what killed me is the desserts. I had my own:


- 2scoops of vanilla ice cream+ strawberries + vanilla cream+ topped whipped cream+ with a dash of alcohol (i think its white wine?)


- 1 slice of that strawberry cheesecake


Both were so good, I didnt even feel sorry about it. I didnt touch any alcohol..

We partied all night. Danced and sang with the band.. It was so much fun. The celebrant got so drunk and my 20 guests all had a fantabulous time! Im good with events I reckon?

Went home, had a laxative tea, and slept.

Day 71: Heights of Laziness

Woke up at 12noon: +1kg

Slept, ate crackers, slept, ate crackers, slept. Didnt go to the grocery to shop, didnt cook. Was able to do 1 load of laundry (yay me! Not!).

I didnt feel like eating anything else. TV on the whole day. I ordered by 2pm:

- 2 Quanta Almond on stick

By 05pm:

- 2 Quanta Almond on stick
- 1 kitkat 4 fingers
- 1 cheetos cheese -big

By 08pm:

- I finished 1 pack of Provita I opened in the morning with the liver spread.

And thats that. I didnt eat anything substantial today.

I was supposed to go meet colleagues at the Maifest tent, but I couldnt get myself off the couch

I just slept througout the day.

This is an old weekend behaviour habit..

Day 70 & 71: Burnnnnn, NOT DV free, NOT in CD..

[Cazspaz]

Hey mesmer - sounds like a slip into an older mindset some of which can genuinely be fun - I can understand that! Just know that you might feel a bit confused and crappy about your Cohens goals over the next day or two but that it does feel better over time. Hope your tooth heals up and that you're feeling back in action soon!

[mesmer_eyes]

Hi Caz! thanks for that supportive reply.. im glad someone commented on my last post.. im feeling sooooo.. guilty (?) and yet not so much (?) its a very weird place for me to be in..

i had to re-evaluate my motivation boosters, i cant lose focus now esp now that im close (not as close as you are though).

I've put up new photos in my album here to keep reminding myself how good it feels to be in a nice size.. and by putting it up, others can see it too and that there is no going back for me now, coz how dissappointing would that be right?

Incentives are still in place.. but its not giving me the kick i needed..

i need to stop thinking that Im ok at this weight/size... people's compliments, although well meaning, are starting to get to me, making me lazy..and it has happened to me before..

thanks again Caz xxx

[Cazspaz]

Oh dude I have had a number of slips this year especially on weekends where I strayed well off plan. It's because I've been loving my new body since reaching a more normal weight even though I was still ~15 kilos from goal!

And I also totally understand the kind-of-not-really-guilty feeling as you keep working forwards to goal anyway. However, I have dragged out this whole process of reaching goal and these last few weeks since easter I've had to pull my head in and really focus on being deviation free and its been challenging as I've still had slip ups but much smaller ones now.

Im feeling much better for focusing though, both my body & mind feels stronger and I realize that the breaks I was having were getting in the way of me finishing this properly and on a strong footing for dealing with maintenance. So now, being in the refeed range I feel I must focus and ensure I stay 100%, that way I cann trust I am doing this right and giving myself the best chance in completing refeed and being strong through maintenance.

[Soleil]

Right girl, time to snap out of it! That's tough love right there
I'm back and will keep an eye on you and I need you to finish this thing

Now throw those crackers away, and don't buy any of that other stuff, you are so so so close!!!!

Maybe 57 is just too low. I have been exactly where you are now, very close to my goal, and the hunger hit, and could not resist it, I thought I was looking good already and gave in. It's just a number, get to where you can using this program, maybe start the refeed a little earlier than you though, and then if you are still keen to get to the 57 then just use the exercise to loose the rest. But you need to do the refeed to settle everything and to learn exactly what you can eat and how much for the rest of your life. My first ideal weight range according to Cohen was 57-60 from memory. I would have looooved to get to 57 but when I hit 62-63 I was just so incredibly hungry, I still somewhat and somehow managed to get to 60 from that weight but it took a month instead of two weeks due to bad choises. So hang in there girlie, you have come so far and you have done so incredibly well!!!!! Ps. I'm on my second round because I started doing bad choises and didn't finish my refeed properly, I need you to not be me. Do not ever, ever repeat this program. And do listen to those people, you are looking amazing. 63 is pretty amazing, you are amazing!!!!!

[mesmer_eyes]

@Caz: whew... its really true what u (i think it was u )have said in my earlier post of thinking about deviating, once it starts, its difficult to get back on. But i am pulling through.. my trip is coming up so anxiety is through the roof.. i so want to get to refeed asap but at this rate, its gonna take me longer.. have you started refeed yet?? let me know once your diary is up and i'll get more insipiration from that one

@soleil: hello girl!!!!! im so glad to see you back here what happened to you? Thanks for the tough lovin'.. ive been kicking myself esp for the day 71.. that one was totally inexcusable..

i really do think 57 is too low.. i have been communicating with my consultant, telling abt my hunger, but not even once did he/she touch on possibility of refeed.. i guess i really have to go low as 59kg... oh dear..

aye! aye! ma'am.. i will not repeat this program.. i really dont want to.. coz this will then mark up as one of them 'failed' attempts.

I am travelling the next day to Vienna for duty.. and i am torn about carrying packed food as I cannot risk getting delayed at immigration.. i hop on straight to the conference from flight to hotel check in then to the conf.. i seriously am a bit scared from the coming 4 days.. with the 3rd day being on a full day Wachau Valley vineyards and wine tasting tour.. Im not really big on alcohol, but the grapes!!!

i will keep updating though... whew.. im bracing myself.. being off plan, and being good.. talk about unchartered waters..

Im waiting of updates from you Soleil and dont dissapear again!

[Soleil]

I'm here to stay now Merme_eyes, until the end!

And I need to see you get there before me and I'll follow you to refeed section I also have a bit of a trip coming up for four-five days and wonder how it will go but as long as you're as good as you can be then that's good, I'm thinking I just keep my meals as simple as possible. I'll pack some cans of tuna with me or something... About the reaching the goal weight, you will still keep loosing weight on refeed too...

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!

[Butterflywings]

Hi ME,

Confusing time you're having. I definately get that. And now - choices about work & travel. THIS is the trickiest part of Cohens..when life jumps in and throws a twist, whether emotional, work relationed, injury, illness...it's enough to test us greatly.

During my tests...I find the one thing is to be "real" with myself, but also "understanding". I accept what has happened, but also need to not be soft on myself either. Not an easy balance, and honestly...I'm not sure if it's doing me any favours - it does make my journey longer, however, a longer journey that is more "me friendly" has to be better than one that leads to me beating myself up over mistakes/slips/failures etc.

Don't carry the judgement with you for day 70-71. "Sh^t happens". Make good choices for your trip. If you can't take your food with you, decide you can't and stand by your decision. However, this is NOT a licence to go eat cheetos & kitkats. Stay away from the processed crap!!

Cohens is very black and white...some times life puts you in grey...how you deal with it will say a lot, how you will handle maintenance, how you value your diet and your health. When in the grey...be wise.. - Like Gandalf the Grey..

[mesmer_eyes]

@Soleil: thanks for the boost! When Iread that post I actually got the kick that yes.. I can DO THIS!!! thanks for that girl..

@BFW: what an awesome post.. When in grey -- be wise.. you could not have quoted anything better than that.. I actually posted that on my FB wall inspiring and comforting at the same time.

I did not hog processed crap while on trip but I was not on a CD friendly diet either.. Somehow I didnt handle or didnt know how to handle a healthy eating lifestyle just yet.. specially when presented with so much.. normal food.. or maybe, Ijust didnt try hard enough?

Fell.. done... and dusted.. Im flying back home tomorrow.. not afte clubbing tonight though..

----------------------------------
Day ??? - I've Lost Count - Destination: Vienna

Guten Tag Ladies!

Im typing this, alone in the apartment my friends and I rented... why alone? Well their tickets werent issued on time by our HO (long story)..

As much as I planned this trip, everything got screwed up..

Tickets -- not issued for friends, thus travelling alone
Apartment Cost - instead of divided by 3..i have to pay it alone.. boom.. pocket damage
Weather - it is fcking stormy and cold, thus freezing and cannot really do anything
Wachau valley bike tour - cancelled due to the weather..
Shopping as nothing can be done - boom.. pocket burned...

So.....

The work part was actually good.. not great coz I lost in that group workshop to the lady who was handling the marketing from our sister airline.. who will probably take over my job pretty soon due to the migration.. she is from the lead carrier

For the past 3 days, Ive eaten like a normal person.. I ate until I feel full. Ate for my taste. Didnt hog, but didnt eat too healthy either.. Since I am in Vienna.. I had my Sacher Torte slice.. oh nyum.. and the Manner wafers.. I had a glass or 2 of Reisling too.. I love this wine.. I love Austrian wine.. period.

I have surely gained.. I can feel it on my bloated tummy. I however, do not feel so bad. I dont know why. I know I have further delayed myself from goal. Maybe Im not feeling bad coz I know I had a good time too..or somehow I expected this so I have prepared my mind that there will be times that I just need to let go and enjoy with some control.

I am not going to weigh myself when I get back, I wasnt able to weigh myself on the day of my trip and none of the places I stayed at had a weighing scale.. i will stay on plan until my france trip (in 2wks) and I guess I will have to purchase another 8wks with the online CD..

Ugh.. delays.. life.. willpower.. difficult to juggle all together..

[Cazspaz]

Hey mesmer - remember to savour the good things in life! Don't wallow in them, don't over-indulge - savour, breathe it all in deeply and enjoy every moment.

You're on a bit of an adventure right now - things are happening that aren't in your control but you can control how you respond to each and every moment. Savour and cherish every moment.

I'm not talking about eating all the foods. Savour the moments you enjoy a glass of wine but savour the moments you say NO too. Own all of your choices and don't feel bad about them. If you feel bad about your choices that's when we start to beat ourselves up and sometimes we then start to say things to ourselves like "I don't care any more". This is a lie. Of course we care!

Be kind to yourself, be mindful and just keep moving forward. Some things are out of your control but take charge of the things that are in your control and spin every moment that you possibly can into a positive one.

[mesmer_eyes]

Hi Caz!

Very apt advise. Despite the horrible weather then, I did savour every moment. This trip was screwed up and at the same time beautiful. Someone unexpected had turned this trip into a lovely one. I am still confused about what the hell happened in those 4 days- from the moment I left and from the time I came back inside my apartment. But I did savour every bit of the business class experience, new marketing strategy, new acquiantances, walking in the rain, cold winds, non Cohen food, deserts, wine, cocktails, new dress, holding hands, snogging in the streets of vienna and the lot.. all in four days.. It was a verrrryyy weird.. lovely.. but weird..

Vienna has been and will always be lovely for me..

Day 78: Day 1.1

Back to homebase..


Woke up: back to 65.5kgs


I was actually expecting more.. But given that it was just 4 days.. 2 kgs could be too much? With all that eating and drinking (clubbing)

Cooked my meals this morning in the hopes of being able to do this diet again. I need to stay CD clean until my next trip which will be 2wks from now..


Busy.. busy..busy..


I was good in the morning, until I reached home, had them darn crackers and crashed from there-choccies...ugh!


I need to get my **** together..


Day 78, not DV free..

[Winterboots]

I have lovely memories of Vienna - such a beautiful city - and Sacher Torte. My sister's mother-in-law lives in Vienna and has sent over many Sacher torte's. And I last visited Hotel Sacher in December with my mother and Ilse - for lunch - such wonderful memories. I am glad you had some unexpected pleasures - that I am sure will bring smiles to your face when you think of Vienna - enjoy
Wb

[mesmer_eyes]

hi WB! Yes, Vienna is so so so lovely.. I travel quite often there and never get tired of it. I can sit at Cafe Demel and just people watch walk around Stephansplatz and chat with the over friendly male Konzert ticket sellers.. and buy my stock from the Manner store (wafers).. Have you tried them?

Ah the Sacher Torte.. I can finish half a cake in 1 sitting seriously.. I did visit Hotel Sacher and the cafe was jampacked at 2:30pm on a workday! Starbucks on the opposite side was packed as well..

*big smiles*

[mesmer_eyes]

@vikram: i had, i had that strong dedication but somehow i have consciously let the deviation demon in and i have been a bit easy on myself during my trip.. but its ok.. im still pushing through until i reach my goal, with all the self love

Day 79: You Cant Handle the Truth

My Cohen weightloss has brought in a lot of compliments and at the same time questions like:

" How did you do it?"
"What did you do? Tell me! I also need a lot of weight to lose"
" What's the secret?"

Most of the time, I give a generic answer, which is true:

" There's no secret. I just eat very clean- no starch, bread, rice, chocolates, processed food. I stick to lean proteins, and veggies.. 3 meals a day, with 2 healthy snacks (fruits) in between. I do yoga 2x a week too"

More often than not, people will lose their enthusiasm upon hearing this. As if they are expecting that I would give a name of a miracle drug, or another fad diet. I do not want to give the name Cohen diet, because the CD entails more than just that.

But basically, thats the concept, which if they cannot handle now, well I dont expect them to handle it by then.

I hear:

"What?? no rice/bread/ <insert processed crap name>??"

"I cant do that! I cannot resist chocolates"

"Oh.. well good on you then."

I mean seriously people? What did you expect me to say?

I have learned that you cannot cheat this process- losing weight and keeping it off. Healthy diet and exercise are the key. And if you do cheat the process, you may get the benefits for the short term and will come back to haunt you in the long run..

I have given the name of the program to a few friends, whom I really felt, really needed the help. And 4 of them had signed up already and 2 had an amazing 8-9kg losses in the span of 4wks. One got declined, and the other one is just normalizing her ALT and will try once she's clear.

I may be struggling now, but I did surrender to the program and what an amazing loss I've had in a short span of time.

Went to the dentist today for the last part of my root canal. Im glad this thing is done.

All meals intact, had fruits, vitamins, and 1 DC. No crackers today! whoooo hooo!!

Day 79, DV free.

Daily Temptations List - Update

Finally, the temptations had utterly slowed down in this office.. whew

Day 72: Donuts in the hallway table.. just because.. no occassion..


Day 73-74: Dont remember, forgot to update


Day 75-77: Out of the country, temptation everywhere


Day 78: None


Day 79: Sacher cake from another colleague of ours.. hmmm nyummm

[Cazspaz]

I used to be one of those people too though so I empathise a little with the denial phase of "Oh what!?! No? Alcohol at all??? Only one egg?? No Milk???" It's quite an adjustment to make and people need time to adjust to major change.

You're looking fabulous mesmer! I've just had a peek at your photos Keep up the amazing work - I love your analytical approach to your diary too. You're definitely a pragmatic realist!

[mesmer_eyes]

oops... thanks for reminding me Caz, I somehow had this moment too when I first tried to sign up in October 2013.. but I hesitated not bec of the strictness of food choices, more of the requirement to prepare food and cook! but still was kinda ok about that, its a chore, but yah, Im willing to try.. what really held me back was the consultant's reply upon registration. they asked me if I was willing to reduce my workouts significantly to be accepted to the program (after submitting blood test). I wasnt ready then to stop the way I was going.. AND I now know that I was SO WRONG to hesitate

Day 80 & 81: Stress? Good Stress?

Just a worker bee nowadays.. Going on this forum is my "break" from the madness in the office..

Day 80 is DV Free
Day 81, is me crashing and burning with crackers + liverspread in the evening while watching Inception at 12mn-2:30am on cable.. chocolates too.. binged

Im losing my footing. But I know its all in my head. If I want to be Cohen clean. I CAN. Its just a question of how bad I want this... This is me being complacent, because I am in a comfortable size/weight.

Im trying again tomorrow..

[Butterflywings]

Originally Posted by mesmer_eyes

This is me being complacent, because I am in a comfortable size/weight.

I can relate to this...but the problem I am facing is that it doesn't stay that way, i don't stay stable, i don't have the great habits "off plan" yet, and even though I haven't gone through refeed before, I'm sure my hormones not being balanced will play a part as time goes on.

It's a struggle at this point for me, and sounds like for you.

Let's do this ME!! I have the weekend to get through with a trip, I don't think I'll be clean cohen for this, but when I get back, there are no more "incidentals" in the way - just me... and I'll have to put "ME" in the right place to finish this journey...its getting to be an annoyance to me.

[lil_doll]

Hey Mes!!!


Oh I totally just took a peek at your pics! You looks amazing!! You had a very pretty face before, but it's even more lovely now!!

Your tooth problems sounded awful!! I am a big scaredy cat of the dentist! I was squirming in my chair reading about it!

I'm really looking forward to you finishing this program- I think with your analytical approach you will rock refeed and maintenance!!