Blondetastics Diary

[Donzie]

Hi Blondetastic, 8.4kg is a stellar effort! Your doing so well especially when you think about how long you've been at it. Your amazing! You are definitely my poster gal for perseverance and determination.

Good luck with the operation, I hope it's a pleasant rest and your back on your feet in no time. X

[Soon2BSlim]

Wow!!! 8.4 kg in a month! That's fantastic! Well done!

Hope your op goes well and you're out in record time with no complications!



Louise

[Heidimama]

Hi blondetastic,

Big congrats on the 8.4 loss in one month!!! Wowza! I hope that your operation goes smoothly. I am sure the weight you have lost will help you to recover faster.Thinking good thoughts for you.

[blondetastic]

Thanks Donzie, Louise and Heidimama. Operation went smooth. But a bit disappointed I will need to go back for 2 more. The next one is the more invasive - serious one. I was told after the first one in December everything would be sorted in the last one I had but was told differently in the pre-op assessment. Not even due to complications, just the original doctor totally mislead me. This time round, none of the hospital staff I had to meet with knew exactly what I was in for. I was out the next day which was good, but the circumstances after the op were stressful. Fighting with my partner, mainly due to misunderstanding and some interference/sabotage from my sister. Car broke down on the way home the next day, so we were on the side of the road in 40+ degree heat. Didn't get home until 11pm. Had next day off then back to work.

We have one car going now which we are sharing. Hopefully 2 back on the road soon. My shifts at work were cut back and I lost some, due to time of year and having to travel for the op. I'm currently working 2 jobs - the other one is only 1 morning a week. Yesterday got a text from a local business offering me work which guarantee 18 hours a week. Talked to my boss about it and she is hoping that she will be able to work my shifts around the 3rd job. Fortunately the 2nd job is flexible. Fingers crossed I will be able to work all three jobs. Life just seems to be one thing after another.

As far as weightloss is concerned, still going strong. Have lost another 2.2 kgs. Very close to the 80kg mark. Seems like yesterday I was stuck between 88 and 94. To be at the low end of of 80's feels amazing. I'm much fitter than I was. Partly due to not having a car a lot of the time and having to walk a lot and I guess a massive weightloss is going to help.

I stopped working out before the last op because I didn't know how long I was going to be laid up for and frankly dealing with a lot of stuff and sticking to the EP was challenging enough. I have started working out again now. I need to tone up a couple of parts and using weights seems to be the only way I'm going to be able to do that. Clothes on I'm looking pretty good, but off and I'm a bit eek!! It isn't too bad but I'm pretty hard on myself so I have pretty high expectations. There are parts that have toned up amazingly.
Hoping the next 3 kgs makes a bit of difference. In size 14 now. Some 16s fit still but are getting very loose like work pants and jeans etc. I've always been a size smaller on top half so can easily get into 14 tops.

So, in total since January 11.2kgs lost. I was hoping to be under 85 by the end of February and I've smashed that. I don't know when the next op will be - a few weeks they said - so I'm aiming to be in the 70's by then. The giving up smoking thing is not going well. Not stressing about it. One thing at a time.

[Kristine..]

Hey Blondetastics

How amazing that you have so far, dropped 56 kilos!

You must be very dedicated to have been on the Program for more than twelve months …. The first post in your Diary was 15/01/2016

When I stopped smoking, I went to an all day Workshop, The Allan Carr Easy Way To Stop Smoking. I walked in a smoker (packet a day) and walked out a non-smoker and haven’t smoked since, and that was 19th March, 2011. You can get the Book almost anywhere, Amazon certainly sells Easy Way. I am constantly surprised how many people I come across who read the book, put out that last cigarette, and never smoke again.

If you are having trouble stopping smoking, give the book a go. There are also dvd but my experience with the Workshop amazed me and really, who wants to smoke? No one wants to smoke but nicotine is just so addictive we don’t realise how powerful that narcotic drug is! I smoked away the dollar equivalent of a three bedroom house over the years, now that I don’t smoke I am ashamed of myself how much money I spent, week in week out, and it’s all gone.

So congratulations and you will quit the smokes, believe me, not tasting and not stinking of smoke is such a liberation, not being hunted by nicotine every minute of the day, is amazing.

You have shed 56 kilos of weight, you can certainly shed the smokes!

Lotsa love for your post-operation recovery
Kristine

[Kohinoor]

Hi Blondetastic,

Wow, that is some journey you are on, and doing well it seems !! Well done.

I caught your comments re your skin, and wanted to add something that Asy made us all aware of way on back. Take a look at this:-
http://newyouforum.com/forum/showthr...886#post259886

In there, is a link to Asy's words - in short, stick with the Maintenance Rules, and that good ol' HGH will still be working for you, and continuing to bring that skin more and more taut. She used to say Wait a year before doing anything drastic with it.

Keep on rocking,

Koh

[blondetastic]

Thanks Kristine - I will defo be having a look at that book IF I can't get it together re the smoking. For now, just complete this part of my journey of bettering myself. You are right!! I have come this far and I know I will smash my goal weight. Looking back over accomplishments AND when we have faced fears, struggles and even the pain of failure and got back and kept going - in all areas of our life gives us the confidence to KNOW we can do anything we set our minds to. Every minor and major accomplishment is like another stone added to the foundation we lay to live our best life!!

Kohinoor - thank you so much for that link. I will be referring to that frequently to help me keep my perspective. I guess I get a bit impatient because I wanted to be "There" by the end of 2016. So yeah I'm keen to bring it all together. But at the end of the day - every day I am an improved version of the day before. It will be done. And it was just a couple of weeks ago I was looking at my belly searching for some loose skin that was no longer there - it had adjusted. 2 weeks later and some more weightloss and it's back. Note to self: skin needs time to adjust to it's new environment.

The last few months have been a matter of keeping my head down and just getting through what seemed like a never ending test in every facet of my life. I got through it. I haven't gone backwards, I either made progress or at the very least stayed within a very decent range of what I had lost - and learned just how strong I am in the process. Now it's about making 2017 positive. I had a few meltdowns in the last few months. I have worked on not letting hardship derail me. Now I have time to work on not letting it trigger unnecessary emotions. Not that I'm the type to wallow for too long. And honestly that's a major reason my posts on here dropped off. I am a pretty private person. It's usually after I get through a storm I open up to others about it when I can look at things from a more balanced viewpoint, because I have had people in my life before who complain and complain but never get off their butts and look at solutions. If you are going to complain, do something about it. If you can't, talk from and honest perspective - There is ALWAYS a positive - even if it's only - how can I use this to become a stronger more resilient person (lets face it that is one of the biggest positives that can be found in a challenge as it serves us long into the future), and try not to worry about what you CAN'T change, fix, solve, control. Let it be. Nothing is permanent. We and our lives are transforming all the time whether we are actioning those changes or not. This is the perspective I like to keep. Never a victim. A survivor, a fighter, a winner. I don't like talking too much about the negatives. It brings others down, quickly transforms us into victim/complainer mode and doesn't really help anyone.

[manilamommy]

Hi Blondetastic!
I love how positive you are. And it shows with the weight loss despite all your challenges. Imagine, not only are you in the low 80s, you´ll be out of the obese category soon! Your BMI is down from 48 to 28! Thats amazing!!! Keep it up!
Cheers,
MM

[blondetastic]

Finally under 80!! Feels like it took forever to get there. I have been stuck on 80 for so long. Only just under but so good to see that 7 on the scales. Only 5.8kgs and I'm in normal weight range.

Size 14 pants I wear to work are getting loose but still wearable. Pretty much in 14 in most things now. Spent time last week getting rid of clothes that are too big. Yesterday I felt really exhausted and weak. Went off the EP at lunch and had a small bowl of oats with skim milk. I had to work until 8 last night and needed the energy. It definitely helped and being that I'm a short order cook and spending a lot of time making coffees, sandwhiches, rolls, and cooking fried food burgers etc it can get tempting to pick. There is some things at that job I'm allowed to eat for free. It's just not worth worth it. I'm not planning on having oats again any time soon but I think they saved me. The energy kicked in and I didn't feel hungry for the rest of the day. What I'm really happy about is I found them sweet enough without any sweetener.

My next main goal is to get to 77. I was hoping to do that by the end of March, but my weightloss seems to be stalling a bit now so it may take a bit longer.

[jessy]

Blondebastic, that is so good to hear..

You have been a true inspiration, I always look forward to your posts...

Congrats on the new weight territory and dress sizes Live and love in your moment you have worked hard for it

[blondetastic]

Thanks Jessy!! I'm more determined than ever to blitz this. So close but still so far haha.

I seem to lose in the pattern of 200g then 800g. Yes I do weigh every day, not recommended by many and while I admit the last plateau made me a bit grumpy sometimes I think that's more for my partners benefit because I don't think he really "gets" how much effort I put in to stick to this when he is drinking alcohol, eating icecream, fried food etc etc and claims he has improved his eating because he has cut down on iced coffee and is eating vegetables more now - in the form of oven fried potato chips. Puh-leez!! I laugh he says "what?" I say "nothing".

If I plateau and he isn't around a lot ie not staying with me I'm mildly disappointed but get on with it knowing that the changes are taking place on and in my body regardless of the stall on the scales.

I pretty much eat the same things everyday and don't get bored with it or hungry. Water intake varies. I know yesterday I didn't do great with it. Today I have got off to the right start early.

I am averaging about 4-5kgs a month so figure will be at goal around the end of June maybe a bit longer allowing for stalls with hospital visits. The good part is that even minor losses are evident to me in my clothes and appearance now that I'm at a lower weight - well lower than I have been for a long time.

As far as working out is concerned I *think this works for me - Week TOM starts I go a bit harder - I have more energy and make the most of it. Second half of the month I'm not doing much. My body and brain seem to need more rest. I tried pushing it at the start of this week - ie continuing as I was the last 2 weeks and my weightloss stalled. As soon as I stopped (I don't know if I was overdoing it - just listened to my body - it was feeling tired along with my brain - but the rest has resulted in a shift on the scales again.

I guess one could say I am a little obsessed - do I care? No. I used to give in to emotional binging etc and reading up on things and keeping this as one of the main focuses in my life is really helping me to never want to go back where I came from. Most days provided I listen to my body and stick to the plan I feel energetic.

There are a few issues I struggle with mentally about myself - they have always been there but a lot of it has come back through some unintentional things said and done by my partner. I'm lucky that he does listen to me but often doesn't think before he speaks and it's the way he says things. I am trying to get past looking for validation from him.

Once I'm at goal I'm considering maybe dropping another 4 kgs. When I was at my goal weight previously I always felt that bit extra would have made a difference to my butt. The problem is - being a pear shape - I get very thin up top at 62kgs and get a lot of comments in the nature of am I sick etc etc. I already am getting comments that I should stop losing weight and I'm not yet out of overweight range - Got just over another 5kgs to be at top end of normal. So I'm bracing myself for more comments like this and am not going to let them stop me or make me feel comfortable and derail me.

I know at 62 I feel good. If another 4kgs loss makes me feel unwell, or seriously unhealthy looking I will know it's not viable. 58kgs is still within my healthy weight range and to be honest to maintain between there and 62 would probably work for me.

All of this is still about 3 months off yet anyway so I will see when I get there. The next 17kgs will make a lot of difference and I'm sure my body composition has changed somewhat any way since the last time I was 62 so it's kind of a decide when I get there thing.

I'm a bit sick of being so time poor but know that once I have more of a handle on my new job things will be a bit easier.

[Kohinoor]

Hi BT,
This comment of yours had me thinking:-

I know at 62 I feel good. If another 4kgs loss makes me feel unwell, or seriously unhealthy looking I will know it's not viable. 58kgs is still within my healthy weight range and to be honest to maintain between there and 62 would probably work for me.

It is a good muse - but, you know, it really is a moot point !! Why? Well because your body will TELL you where it wants to be. If you read around enough diaries (including Refeed Diaries) you will see things like :-

"It was only once I got to Refeed and added EXTRA food that I dropped more Kgs. That surprised me!" or

"I have been Maintaining now for 5 years - I endeavoured to get down to xx Kgs, and managed to keep it there for a time with some effort, but I found my body just felt happier when I let it level out at xx+3 Kgs. And I am happy at that weight too - I am just a little more "filled out" instead of looking scrawny or unwell." or

"Once I got to Refeed I didn't lose any more. I felt ripped off, but then, my body seems comfortable right at that weight, so who am I to question it?"


And similar tales like that. By the way, those are not direct quotes, but are my recollections of diaries that I have read and results that have happened to others on here.

In the end, you can want certain things, but your body will level out where it is right for it to be. And that could be right smack in that range you mentioned - or not !!

Koh

[blondetastic]

To be honest Koh, that was what I was meaning - I will let my body let me know. I can only go on past experience that yeah at 62 I felt good, I did from about 64. The difference was to be blunt haha my ass. From past experience that is the last place I always have to lose from. Another 2 to possibly 4kgs would have got rid of that last little bit. If it's possible to do that I want to give it a go. If not and my body really wants to stay at 62 I'm not going to stress about it. Around that time I am going to get into strength training (after refeed), and I know that will affect the scale. I just don't know if I'm going to do refeed at 62 or between there and 58. But I'm not going to bust my butt and go for something that I have to work hard at forever to keep it there if it's not feasible - ie I'm not going to be obsessed about getting under 62 if I'm either not feeling good, or looking good.

Our bodies let us know in more than one way. For people who see me clothed they feel I'm too thin at 62 (mainly up the top as I said) I'm already looking that way now with 17 kgs to go. But I see me naked and I can see what is fat, that needs to go before strength training starts. The previous 2 times I stopped at 62 for different reasons but at the back of my mind I would have liked to have known if that further couple of kgs would be doable and give me the results I want. I think it would be a shame to go that far and not at least consider finishing it properly and know in myself what my best achievable and maintainable weight is.

My body composition has changed in those years so that too will help me in making my decision once I get to 62. I was given 55 as the lowest goal weight originally from the clinic but I feel that will definitely be too low for me.

[Kohinoor]

Hey again,

Your ticker tells me you are 1.7 metres (170 cms) tall. At that height, I suspect 55 would be WAY too light for you. That would have you at a very low BMI of 19. Not quite under-weight for your height, but getting right near it (I believe a BMI of 18.5 is the cross-over point into Underweight - though some BMI scales say it is 20).

I think it would be a shame to go that far and not at least consider finishing it properly and know in myself what my best achievable and maintainable weight is.

I agree totally. Around Refeed time, become your clinic's "newest best friend" and be there regularly to get their "take" on where you are at.

See, those with a longer journey often have mixed signals right toward the end, so take on all the knowledge you can prior to getting there. I think I recall that Asy didn't get right to her "projected weight" before refeeding. She had shed 88Kgs in under a year - a big journey, but one she walked steadfastly (wanting to set an example for the forum I suspect). She was also working as a Cohens consultant so she had a lot of extra information that you can stll find here - especially in the "stickies".

Things like "watch out for your curry" as they were seeing some people going right off track over them buying a bad brand. Not bad as in unhealthy or poor quality, but bad as in it had ingredients in it that could stop weightloss dead in its tracks !!

Anyway, you appear to be travelling well, and you "sound" good BT - keep on rocking,

Koh

[manilamommy]

Ive never been completely happy with my weight, whatever weight I was. I was miserable when I was huge. I was not satisfied when I was skinny. I always wanted to have thinner thighs, or wished my breasts to be a few sizes bigger. Yadda yadda yadda. Its a mindset that we have to change, I feel. And now Im trying to learn how to look at things from a new perspective so that I can deal with my weight issues. It shouldnt just be about losing weight, but also about gaining health.

Keep on trucking,
Cheers, MM

[blondetastic]

Had a bit of a stall!! Managed to get to 78.6. In size 12/14. Medium even small with some labels. I CAN NOT get my head around clothes buying. Normal sizes. It's so hard to adjust to being normal. Having people say things look good on me. I don't think I will ever get used to shopping off normal racks and normal clothes stores.

So the stall. Erhem.... TOM!! Ugh. Every other month it seems to be worse. I literally had my stomach growling every 2 hours. Nothing and I mean nothing satisfied me. My partner I think was a bit surprised that could eat so much and be hungry a short time after. I totally blew it for about 2 weeks. I'm battling even now to get back to normality. I ate sugar - the worst thing possible. It throws everything out of whack. I was bloated and felt disgusting. I know next month will be better and need to keep in mind how bad it does get every other month. I SHOULD have just increased the EP foods for a week and probably would have felt better and done less damage. I did put on 4.4kgs. Put me back to 83. I'm back to 81 now despite not being 100% strict. Been very emotional, and extremely tired. This time I made sure I rested and had early nights when I could which helped with the tiredness. I'm thinking next time if the hunger is as uncontrollable as it was this time I might do something like make myself a chicken wrap with the low fat mayo. I did everything wrong. Tried at times. Like when we had to go out of town. Nothing takeaway appealed to me even though I was starving. Just looking at it all made me feel sick. I ended up getting 2 sushi rolls with tuna and avocado. They tasted amazing, filled me up, but within a couple of hours I was starving again. In the end I gave up fighting it, recognized it for what it was and just did what I felt I had to do. Next time I want to be more controlled. But it's been literally months since I have felt hunger like that. It got that bad that I went out at 4 in the morning one day after laying awake for an hour debating it, to get junk food. I NEVER do that.

I think a large part of it was going of the multi-vitamin, evening primrose and flaxeed tablets. I have another op coming up and they advised me with the last one to not take anything due to things affecting blood thinning etc etc. I have been off them about 2 months and I know they make a difference with the whole PMT thing. I really want to get back on them.

So I have been spending this week trying to keep myself motivated and it hasn't been easy. As I said I've not been 100% but reigned it in a lot. I think too especially with summer over and being able to cover up with leggings, jeans etc I'm feeling too happy and too comfortable at under 80. Summer is so much easier when you are baring a bit more flesh. So that's going to be challenging for me. It doesn't help that I naturally feel the cold a lot and losing the weight has made it worse. So I went out on the weekend and bought more long sleeve tops, boots, a new jacket, jumpers etc to survive winter. I had to replace all the stuff that's too big and had very little left. I did buy a pair of size 12 shorts reduced to $10. Said to my partner don't watch as I probably wont get them over my hips. To my shock they slipped straight on! I stood there in disbelief saying "No way no way in hell did that just happen. How does that happen?" For about 5 minutes.

Even now sitting here I'm still feeling hungry. Weighed this morning and I'm back to 81. I've been smashing 4 liters of water again the last couple of days. I am really not wanting to lose the plot and start sliding backwards. I can't undo what I've achieved. I had one good day where I didn't feel like eating crap this week. Then the next day it all came back. Hunger wise it went on for a long time but the PMT part - being all emo etc didn't start till after TOM started. Usually it's a couple of days before. I know in the past this was what my cycle was like. It all actually stopped for months but has been regular to the date since the start of this year. I know it's because of the weightloss.

As far as work is concerned I'm still trying to learn everything on my new job. Still juggling 3 jobs and 1 just revolves around food. I usually only have 1/2 days off with a full day during the week. Occasionally get a weekend off. Most of the time I have off is spent catching up on everything. I was meant to be working every Friday at my new job, but was told yesterday, due to staff changes I don't need to. I'm so happy about that. I really need another day off especially if I work both days of the weekend. I rarely get 2 days off in a row but it will be more manageable having an extra day even if they aren't together. I'm really lucky this weekend to have 3 days off in row. Because my shifts change at one of my jobs it's very hard to have a routine. So I'm aiming to do a schedule every week. But I really feel like I need a holiday lol.

I have no intention of giving up till I finish this properly. It's just another learning curve showing me how to do it better next time so I can maintain my weight when I reach goal, so it's inconvenient but not a bad thing.

So the last couple of weeks haven't been great in many ways but I'm really looking forward to being 100% back on track and back to my usual state of mind. I'm using the 3 days off to do things that keep me motivated. Aiming to be back at 78.6 sometime mid next week. It's only 2.4kgs. It's so silly because I still love the food on the EP. My partner says it was a mental thing. Maybe a tiny bit, but the noises coming from my stomach were not in my head lol. Again I'm not going to regret any of it. The only thing that really bugs me is a lot of things are messing with my head. The whole thing of coming into winter. It affects my mood. I hate the cold. I'm getting too comfortable at the weight I'm at. That's the mental stuff thats holding me back. So I don't want it to be like all the other times where I just gave into these challenges, gave up and ended back where I started or worse. I will fight this stuff. I have to get through winter anyway. Eating off plan isn't going to make it any more enjoyable. It's just going to get me down. So, time to set some mini goals I think and some awesome rewards, and work on letting my mind catch up with my body that I'm no longer in big size clothes. I don't even know how to do that. I still go to the large sizes. Sometimes I wonder why I have to be so complicated.

[manilamommy]

Oh dear, BT,
Im sorry to hear you had to go through a rough couple of weeks. Sugar and carbs are the evil.
Shake it off and put your big girl panties and start all over again. Remind yourself why you're doing this, and stay focused.
Hugs to you, MM

[Kohinoor]

Hi BT,
Sad to read how nasty TOM has been to you. I hope getting your thoughts down has helped to clear your head somewhat. I took one or two of the comments from you and then went looking for some thoughts that I thought might help a little.

First, I read the "mirror" comment, went looking, and found what I wanted. The other word I was wanting to search for was "motivation" as it sounded like a bit more of that might help too.

... and guess what?

I found both, all wrapped up in a neat little thread called "Important Stuff that often gets lost". Have a read from the first post on that page on down. The second post directs you to "mirror" thoughts.

http://newyouforum.com/forum/showthr...=mirror&page=2

The good ol' mirror often lies - but the posts linked show you a way to use them so that they DON'T lie to you.

Make a cup of coffee, grab your salada allowance, and settle down in front of your computer for 20 minutes.....

Hope it helps,
Koh

[blondetastic]

Hey Koh, thanks for those links, I have some down time possibly for a couple of days so putting it to use getting rid of the old on my computer to make room for the new AKA leaving the past behind - recent past - like the last 12 months of things that have got me by - and embracing the future - new motivational stuff for the last leg and the future. I think I'm just going to look at every link in that whole thread they all look helpful and interesting.

Thank you manilamommy. I am actually itching to get back 100% on plan. Thanks for being a cheerleader

So here's what was really going on. I worked Thursday night till 9pm. Looked forward to 3 days off, hell even 2 in a row is rare. All week weird stomach cramps. Pushed through it, ate some crap. Knew my day of reckoning would come - in my head - and I would take to heart some lessons. But I totally didn't see this coming. Ok I lie a little. Before I started work Thursday I drank 4 litres of water - think I already said some of this in the last post. That is about the amount I need to avoid pain from my kidney stent when on my feet for 6+ hours. All week I had pushed myself to keep up around the house, stay on top of chasing things up via phone etc etc. Thursday arvo and night I didn't drink a drop. It was pretty busy. Got home. Very thirsty. Had a drink went to the loo and instead of yellow ( I wasn't expecting clear) it was like medium strength tea) Made a mental note to get stuck into the water. A normal person could drink the 4 litres by 1pm and be hydrated enough through the afternoon. I need to keep on top of my water all day.

Friday I felt like absolute crap. Accomplished little on my first day off. Saturday I was hoping to clean my house, do the grocery shopping and do a cleaning contract job. Got the shopping done, had a HUGE fight with my partner where I ended up in tears which is very rare for me, but hey we sorted it out. Saturday 3pm I'm in casualty at the hospital being admitted for a kidney infection. That I thought explained the cramping I had been experiencing all week thinking it was due to TOM. My mood Saturday morning. I was thinking TOM started 6 days ago. PMS still?? Really?? Fast forward a few hours and I'm on a drip - for 3 days. Loaded up with antibiotics and throwing up.

BUT to top it all off - I had a feeling I might have a stomach bug as well. The doctor thought it was possible considering I know kidney pain and when that eased the other pain was still there. I get out of hospital yesterday. Feeling ok just a bit weak and around midnight last night the cramps set in full on. I don't need to describe what it's like having gastro. So there was a lot more going on last week than I thought. No wonder my head was all over the place.

Lesson for me: If I'm not myself, finding it hard to get it together every single time there has been a physical reason. I try to push through it mentally, physically - however I can. I just need to stop trying to will myself through stuff. I never want to go off plan normally and this has been building up for a couple of weeks. I was having a good day then a bad day a good hour then a bad hour. I usually snap out of it. Sometimes we are just way too hard on ourselves. In hospital I tried getting up and walking around as much as I could because laying in the bed for hours having fluids pumped into me makes my cramps worse. My stomach felt as hard as a rock. Yesterday I weighed myself when I got home. 85.6. Since I have pretty much been in the loo since midnight haha I weighed myself at lunch today - 81.6. So for now because pretty much everything I'm eating isn't staying in my stomach I'm sticking to a few crackers for the salt and flat lemonade - non diet - for sugar. Because once I've kicked this - hopefully by tomorrow - I don't want to be feeling weak. So I'm happy I know what was going on with me. Nothing too serious just a set back. AND the doctor treating me in the hospital just loved me when he found out how much weight I've lost. I told him he wouldn't when I told him I smoke.

He said because I have the motivation to lose weight and I'm into fitness that I will be able to stop smoking. I believe that because this whole thing is what I want to be a lifestyle thing. I don't want to be the person who tells people what to do to hit their health goals. I want to be living it and inspire others no matter how they choose to do it because hell if I can anyone can. So I had a good pep talk from the doctor and he told me and the nurse some interesting info. He asked us out of obesity, smoking, diabetes, lack of fitness, and hypertension, which ones did we think from 1 - 5 had the greatest cost on society. I thought smoking and diabetes would be up there and probably obesity. So did the nurse. Wrong. Lack of fitness. And it makes sense. Anyway it was all very interesting. Our local hospital is so awesome compared to the one I go to for my operations. The nurses have a laugh with you and a chat, they love us stirring them up. They turn a blind eye when I go out for a smoke and they like that I take the local ice addict out with me and chat to her so they can get a break from her abuse. And they stir my partner up because he pretty much spoils me with flowers when I'm in there.

Off topic of weightloss etc. But like a lot of smaller hospitals ours has had funding cut. The staff work their butts off but always have time for us. As opposed to the big hospital I go to in the city which hasn't had funding cut and they treat you like you are sub human. I thought they had funding cut and were miserable about being overworked but found out from a local nurse who was from that city that particular hospital never lost funding. Yes they are busy. But so is ours. I don't think I have ever been in the local one where there hasn't been something out of the ordinary for them to deal with. They often work double shifts and they get to know their patients and share some of their home life with us. I wouldn't trade it for the world. Having said that I couldn't get out of there fast enough yesterday. There's no place like home

[blondetastic]

So an update on where I've been at the last couple of months. I've settled into my new job and now I'm past the learning everything stage am feeling a lot less stressed about it. The main stressor is changing shifts and routines. But I'm managing that - just. My health has been pretty bad. After a doctors visit on the weekend, we worked out I have been suffering from UTI's and kidney infections for most of the last 7 months. When the pain was milder I thought it was the kidney stent causing it and I just had to push through it. The doctor said my body is under a massive amount of stress just from juggling three jobs let alone constantly fighting infection. I rarely miss a shift due to health unless I'm in hospital. So she has me on a pretty strong antibiotic which we are hoping will wipe it out. I had the good fortune of getting a locum who has dealt with me before when I was in hospital and sees this as serious enough to take further action. I'm still waiting on the operation that has been postponed 3 times that is meant to resolve the kidney issue, but for now I'm hoping these antibiotics help so I can have more than half a day here and there pain free.

As far as the EP is concerned it's been a bit hit and miss. I will admit over winter I knew I would find it tougher but with constant tiredness, pain and changing routines from one week to the next its been tougher than expected. I havent stuck to it 100%, and have put on a few kgs - nothing diabolical which I'm really surprised about. I'm still in size 14 which I'm also surprised about. But given that I'm feeling health-wise - 70% better than I have for months, I'm also feeling more motivated with everything, like I'm not dragging myself through life as much. So with that and better weather coming because that always helps my headspace I am feeling a lot better - like I can make some headway instead of just treading water.

The smoking thing has been interesting. Since the weekend and starting on the new medication, I have cut back by 6-8 a day - without even trying. I don't feel like smoking as much I guess because my body is feeling better.

Financially I'm in a bit better situation now - actually able to save some money for the first time in awhile as I'm getting more shifts. Time-wise things had been tough because at one stage I was getting one day off a week, sometimes only half days here and there. Last weekend I had 2 days off in a row and it was amazing. But to be honest I wouldn't want more than that off, I'm so used to it being like this now.

The next big thing I have coming up is moving house. The one I'm renting is going on the market and since I'm not home very often and when I am its catching up on sleep and housework, I don't really want to deal with people coming through all the time. So next week I'm starting packing with the prospect of going on a periodic lease. I have 2 options - find something more suitable that both my partner and I can move into, or move in with my partner. Either is a win/win. Shared rent, bills etc. My partners rent is less than half what I pay a week now BUT its a small place without much storage and very little bench space in the kitchen. So I'm focusing on the money we will be able to save.

I'm hoping by the end of this week my body will finally be infection free, my energy levels will have improved and I can get the back on the EP 100%. If I am still not over the line, I will be on the antibiotics for another week. If it's not sorted within the fortnight I'm not sure what they will try next and how I will push through another month. I was getting to the point where something HAD to be done, because the pain especially was impacting every part of my life and I was running out of ways that consistently worked, to manage it.

So while it's been a tough few months things are improving and I feel my old self coming back. There has been some other stuff going on in the background too that's been challenging but seems to be resolving itself. I'm just really looking forward to getting back on track - it's when I feel happiest.