Goodbye letters to the old you

[hexi2]

Ok I know this is fairly personal but I thought I would start a thread for those of us who might want to share their goodbye letters. Goodbye to the old self...time to let go. This will help us with our journies to healing

[hexi2]

Dear Karrina,

I loved you, hated you and thought you were funny all at the same time. You were giving, generous and always wanting to please. You craved love and tenderness and often looked in the wrong places and made some bad decisions. You were kind yet carried around a deep sense of sadness. A sadness that for most of your life you were overweight.

You were the one in high school that was always so much bigger than all your friends – for that you were fun, friendly and humorous a tactic you used to gain acceptance. You hated confrontation and most of the time didn’t want to be too noticed…so it was easier to look for comfort in food. Food made you feel better but at the same time ripped you of much of the self confidence you so craved to have. You felt that people were forever judging you, you hated the fact that you were unable to find clothing and felt self conscious most of the time. You hated catching glimpses of yourself in the mirror You thought about your weight and the feelings associated with it on a daily occasion and felt that people ‘took notice’ of your weight.

Being overweight affected your ability to have confidence in yourself and in your own personal strength. You were the only person I knew – a friend yet an enemy that held me back for such a long time and I have been too scared to let you go, you were all that I knew for such a long time. I love you and I am going to miss you but the time has come for me to be the new, slim and confident person that was always on the inside of that fat shell.

I am sorry that I know longer need you but you were dragging me down and the time has come that I can no longer be that person that you are or that you were trying to keep me be.

I have changed as does most in life and even though most people, friends and family only ever remember me as that ‘fat person’ they just have to get used to the new Karrina, if they don’t like her then that is her loss because I choose her over you big time!. A slim, confident and happy person, I am learning all about the new Karrina and falling in love with her.. On her journey she has displayed strength and courage to face up to her fears and how well she has done. She is discovering a better, new improved version so it’s time to trade you in….for the new model

May you always remain in the past as this is the only place you belong now…so goodbye to you and goodbye to the past….Goodbye to the fat Karrina

To the new Karrina I am very excited about getting to know you better as is everyone around you – ok so you are still learning the ropes but you are doing it and doing it well! You have achieved a goal weight that you never thought was possible it was something you honestly thought you could never be…but you were wrong!! How wrong you were.

Look at you now! OMG yes you have made it, yes you are size 8! And yes your unbelievable dream has come true. Give yourself a huge pat on the back, give yourself some time to feel the huge sense of achievement that you deserve and most importantly be kind to yourself – You are a beautiful, strong and magnificent woman who can do anything….absolutely anything and you are starting to learn how to believe it! So hello and welcome you will be here with me til my dying days and I am so very, very happy.

[pandora]

Very beautiful and thank you for your courage size 8 Karrina! Very poignant and expressive and i am priviliged to have had your inspiration to do the same for me over the next few days. Thank you again for this inspiring way to close the door on the past and move forward - almost like being reborn, with new thoughts, words and actions compelling us into a bright and exciting new chapter of life. Pandora (my letter will be to chubby wee Margaret, boring, ordinary and frequently mediocre!)

[Kohinoor]

Hi Hexi,

Damn, that is SUCH a great post !!

Enjoy and love the new you, girl - you SO deserve her

Koh

[shell]

Well done Hexi.

I could cut & past that letter to myself.

It rang so true, like a mirror to my own previous life.

Today might have to be your second rebirth day!!!
Thanks Hexi
Shell

[jacin]

well said Hexi i wouldnt be surprised if alot of women felt this way . Jacin

[thenewvee]

Great letter Karrina!

I can identify with many aspects of it, and I know that I will be writing a goodbye letter to the old fat Vee once thenewvee emerges victorious! Like you, I'm still having some trouble believing it will happen, but I have faith and intend to complete this journey to the end! You and so many others, sharing your journey is a great help as it certainly helps to read how others are dealing with issues that are coming up and others have dealt with them successfully.

Thanks!

Vee

[FotoHijinx]

Fantastic letter Hexi - very well worded.

Now we can all enjoy the Sexi Hexi we have all come to admire and love!

Cheers
Irene

[hexi2]

You know what I thought it was going to be really hard to write...but it didn't take me long at all...thanks everyone I hope my letter helps someone else too - I am so happy that I have a better understanding of where my anxiety and obsession was coming from so it's nice to be able to understand it

For some reason I haven't burnt the letter yet....oh tonight is the night! But yesterday while doing the Tae Bo class (which is like kickboxing,martial arts) you do a lot of punching and kicking...I imagined that I was 'boxing' 'bashing' the old fat karrina....it was really weird....I was punching the crap out of her so she doesn't come back and IT FELT GREAT

[shell]

Could be some HUGE significance in doing it tonight!
It is Friday the 13th!!

Good karma
Shell

[hexi2]

Ok - she has gone...up in flames

I read my letter out loud with my 5 year old listening and when I mentioned the part about being the big kid in high school she hugged me and said 'oh mummy thats good you were the biggest...I want to be the biggest too!' bless her - I explained that I was talking about being fat...

Anyway - once I finished the letter we both went outside into the dark and burnt the old Karrina - we both said goodbye to the fat Karrina and that she was never coming back - sorta sad but very liberating.

So thats it - she has gone and I am free! Free to learn a whole lot more about myself and who I am without the layer of fat around me...

It is weird though because when I see people who haven't seen me for a long time and they finally realise it's me...I feel almost embarrassed...not sure what that is about - its like I don't want them to comment about my new weight...it's like I don't even want to remember that I was fat...I just want people to remember ME AS ME..

[Faithy]

HUGSSSS to you... I have a few tears reading this.. I can identify with you on this on so many levels.. (kinda scary)... The part about wanting people to remember you for you is so true for me too.. in a way I'm over it.. but for so many it's new.. something I suppose that will be with us for quite some time yet I think.

I'm so happy for you Hexi..

[Kohinoor]

Hi Hexi,

You gotta love kids eh? It is always refreshing to hear things from their perspective.... (a big kiss for your little girl )

So thats it - she has gone and I am free! Free to learn a whole lot more about myself and who I am without the layer of fat around me...

It is weird though because when I see people who haven't seen me for a long time and they finally realise it's me...I feel almost embarrassed...not sure what that is about - its like I don't want them to comment about my new weight...it's like I don't even want to remember that I was fat...I just want people to remember ME AS ME..

Hexi, I can't help with the above, but I wanted to say that this post of yours just took me back about 40 years !!! It brought me back to thoughts of a girl I knew who had been BIG (but I never knew her that way). She was a lovely person, and I couldn't believe she was ever BIG - until she showed me an earlier photo of her.

I don't know quite where I'm going with this, except to say that you will meet MORE people who will only relate to the person you are today.

This lass to whom I'm referring left "where she was" and started afresh in another city !! So, no-one knew her as anything other than "herself". She CHOSE to let some know of her previous size - but that was purely up to her. Everyone else only knew the new "her".

Would that work for you? Could such a move help you? Or are you mostly happy where you are (despite all of the challenges)?

I don't know, Hexi, but YOU will.....

Just a thought, (and thanks for the memories your post invoked )

Hugs,

Koh

[Daisy]

OMG, I have not cried for ages. I think I needed it. Were you writing from my thoughts.

Isn't cruel how all consuming this is for us and what a dreadful impact it has had on our lives. Thank god we have chosen not to live with that baggage for the next stage in our life. Let us feel free and be free i say.

I think I have to donate some of my time helping teenagers and young girls avoid making the same mistakes and help them with the knowledge and the power that I did not have. Not sure how yet.

Thanks Hexi for a great post.

Lv
Daisy.

[garden goddess]

Daisy ,
That is the best idea I have heard in along time .......You've got me thinking now.
LILY

[Annabelle Joy]

I've been thinking of that too, Daisy and Lily. No ideas yet on what might be done.

AJ

[ConnieK..]

Hi all,

I know I am not on refeed yet, but maybe this is something I need to do to move on ... warning mine is pretty personal too.

Dear Fat Connie,

I don’t even remember when I first met you. I remember being the smallest kid in kindergarten by a long way, and in year 1 and year 2, but I also remember when all the kids at school decided that’s what you were. I remember being called short, fat and ugly for most of my high school years.

I remember being really poor and the celebrations that happened always had lots of nice food. I remember nights where all we had to eat for tea was bread and fat with salt and pepper. I remember milk fresh from the cow and how milk and slaughtered lamb and bread were the staples of our diet. I also remember cakes and scones and pancakes and home made pizza and all things cooked with flour. I remember molasses and honey and eating condensed milk with a spoon.

I remember being so shy I wouldn’t put myself in front of the crowd, I remember always being chosen last for sports and being teased about how slow I ran. I remember being told by the gymnastics teacher that I was the hardest trier she had ever met, but I would never be able to do a cartwheel, and she didn’t think gymnastics was a good sport for me.

I remember playing the piano for my Grandmother and the look of love on her face and being her favourite and her loving me … not you….. me!

I remember fights between my parents and my father stalking the house with a gun, chasing my mother, I remember hiding in my room and praying that the fight would stop. I remember the next morning mum and dad would have made up and be all OK and would smooth things over with eggs and bacon and chops and toast for breakfast. I remember lots and lots of nights of violence and shouting and being dragged from bed and forced to tell tales on parents, and hiding in my room and eating chocolates I had bought with my pocket money. I remember having low blood pressure and fainting when I was 12, and my drunk father accusing me of being pregnant, little did he know you had prevented that from ever happening!

I remember boys who wanted to be with me when no-one was around and tease me unmercifully when someone was there. I remember being told I was a secret girlfriend, lest you embarrass him in front of his mates. I remember only having one boy ask me out in high school, and I remember finding out that was some cruel practical joke afterwards and the whole class laughing at me for stupidly believing anyone could want me.

I remember my grandmother dying and my world falling apart and not graduating high school, and leaving and discovering that life wasn’t much better. I remember being told that I was a good girlfriend because I wasn’t as pretty or as thin as the other girls, and therefore no-one would want to steal me away. I also remember crying myself to sleep a lot because of you.

I remember developing a smart mouth and making myself the butt of every ones jokes, after all, if I insulted myself and made everyone laugh, they were laughing with me weren’t they??? I remember always putting myself at the front of the room, becoming loud and boisterous and ‘in your face’ daring anyone to doubt I loved you and I was happy living inside your body..... but … you know …. I wasn’t.

And the sad part here was you weren’t even that big then… maybe 75kg. Just enough to make you hated.

I also remember finding someone who maybe didn’t love me but wanted me, and entering into a destructive relationship with him for 2 years, I was 17, he was 32 …. I thought I loved him, maybe I did. I remember moving away from my home town to get away from him, moving to Sydney on my own, and almost starving that first year ( at least you were a little thinner ). I remember being raped and wondering if it was because I had asked for it, or I looked desperate, maybe he could see inside you and see how much I wanted to be loved.

Then I remember meeting my first husband and marrying him because he was the first man to ever say ‘I love you’ and it didn’t matter that he wanted to change me and I could be what he wanted, I was a chameleon, I could make myself into you, so I could be whatever he wanted… after all he loved me.

And I tried, so very hard to be all he wanted, and you got bigger and bigger, and I had my kids, and you got bigger, and I stayed for 10 years and you got to 115kg. And I struggled to be me and still be what he wanted, and I thought if I could just shed you I could be happy inside his world for me.... or maybe if I lost you, he would decide he loved me .. not what he wanted me to be ..... a little bit quieter, laugh a little less loud, be seen and not heard ... actually not be seen either of that's OK. And I went to weight watchers, and tried to lose you. But you stayed and people told me I was such a blast at parties and I was so great at being funny, and on the inside I died a little ……….

I remember being a day care mum and cooking treats for all the kids and always having sweets and cakes and such in my house and giving my kids all the things I thought I missed as a kid. And people left their kids with me and I was the jolly, happy daycare mum, who never said no and was so accommodating and easy going and having parties and always needing to have people around me to validate I was worth knowing, and so I ate and drank until you protected me, and I pretended I was so very comfy and happy.

And then I turned 30…. and I hated you, I resented all the things you made me miss. I wanted to do so many things, and you had stopped me ….. I remember years of depressiona nd medication and health problems and settling for second best and feeling like I was drowning in you. I went to my ex hubby and said ‘we have a problem’ … he said ‘you have the problem … you fix it’ … so I did … and when I finished it was fixed beyond repair. And as revenge my ex raped me and made me feel all those old fears all over again. But this time I decided I didn't want you to protect me.

So then I lost a few kilos… back to 100 maybe and I took myself out on the town. I flirted and danced and had fun … but inside I was empty as hell …. I remember my kids going away and me deciding I couldn’t go on living with you. I remember them phoning me to say I love you and curling into a ball on the lounge room floor and crying until my dad came and took away the pills and told me it would all be OK.

I remember meeting my new hubby and being so scared to show him you. I remember falling in love with him and both of us only sending one picture for fear of rejection. I remember seeing he was a big man and seeing him inside of that fat suit. I remember him seeing me … not you … and loving him more for that. I remember finally feeling happy!

I remember finding out that you had a reason, that PCOS was your friend. I remember being told I had to exercise at least 1 hour every day, the tests, the clinics, the doctors. I remember one of them saying … well how many 40year old women do you know who have a flat belly? and wanting to scream .. ‘I don’t want a flat belly, I want to be me’

There are so many other things that have fed and kept you with me … miscarriages, mental abuse, my sister’s fight with dad, my brothers gambling addiction, dad’s death, my mum and her issues. But I forgave all of these people for what they had done. I forgave everyone … except you.

I forgive you fat Connie, but I think it’s time we went our separate ways. You see you never really fit me … you were a bit too big, and you made me feel uncomfortable, and people always saw you first and never bothered to look behind you to see me. So thanks for all of these memories, because without them I would not be who I am, and although I am not sure I know who I am yet, I know that I am not you.

I think you should go now.

Bye.

The emerging Connie.

[Annabelle Joy]

Connie, that's a very powerful letter. The thought I had as I approached the end, you included in your last paragraph:

thanks for all of these memories, because without them I would not be who I am

AJ

[shell]

Hi Connie,

WOW
That is a very powerful and moving letter, good on you for having the courage to put it all out there and saying goodbuy to the "old" Connie forever.

I am so happy to know the strong and positive person that you are and will continue to be.

Shell

[hexi2]

Thats pretty full on Connie and you sound like you are ready to get to know yourself and move into loving yourself...

Thanks for sharing