Where Am I?

[WhereAmI?]

Well, this is it missy!! No more excuses!! Remember last time, 3 years ago when you felt fabulous, dealt with stress and had all the confidence in the world?!?! You do remember, you just lost touch and now it's time to fight to get it back!!
Hi everyone! I'm writing to myself as a reminder on this journey and so I can look back and never come back to this dark place.......
Day 1 and I decided to do it on a workday knowing day 2 would be worse and I'm on 4 days off so I should be feeling great by the time I return to work!!
I'm upset with myself, I've been feeling super emotional today, seriously, I can cry at the drop of a hat, anxiety is awful and I'm panicking!! I realised tonight though that I can't even remember the last time I took my anti depressant medication which is really really dangerous because I've done it before and ended up with ear infection, fainting and dizzy spells. Sooooooooo, off first thing in the morning to get my tablets......
I'm not embarrassed to talk about my anxiety and depression, I've had terrible problems with my hormones and I hope I'm not alone in suffering with it, I know it improves out of sight on this program and I'm looking forward to finding more and more happiness as I progress in my journey with everyone here 😊 xo

[Andie27]

Hi Sweetheart. You are definitely not alone. I have been battling depression and anxiety for a long time now. So I have an idea of what you are going through. Am here for you.
Hugs Andie

[WhereAmI?]

Thanks EA Andie 😊 I want to encourage people to talk about it, food, for me, has been protection in tough times, I remember the last time I did this the first month was emotionally tough because you don't have anything to fall back on (ie food & alcohol for me). I'm trying to take this on and try to minimise the battle this time by talking to people on here and hopefully helping people feel more comfortable with talking about anxiety and depression....

[Andie27]

Hi Lovely, I definitely hear you about using food for protection. I finally realized that I was eating to surround myself with a layer of protection and figured that I could eat and drink my feelings away. This didn't help and only made things worse to the point where I attempted suicide and ended up in the psych ward at the hospital.
I was self medicating, not seeing my shrink and really just punishing myself everyday. For some reason I also became addicted to self-harming by cutting myself just to feel something and then having to hide it from my hubby. Not good.
This was the darkest part of my soul and I existed like this for a long time. I am not a violent person but I could be so violent to myself - this was not living at all, I was literally like the walking dead.
If I didn't get the help I needed, I know that I wouldn't be here today. Asking for help is the hard part for me. Too stubborn and strong willed to think I didn't need any help.
When I recovered from my first suicide attempt, I was so guilt ridden for all the pain I had caused my loved ones that I tried again. I ended up having a longer stay in hospital and some intense therapy and uncovered some pretty tough things about myself. I was in denial at first but this didn't get me anywhere. So the long journey of self acceptance began and it opened up to self love.
I had to stop punishing myself for things that were not in my control and to learn to love myself warts and all! (Not that I have warts btw!!!)
It's a long and difficult road and one I couldn't have traveled on my own. I have a really strong support network and some key strategies to help me through the tough days.
It does get better and just takes times and I found that I had to give myself permission to heal no matter how long it takes.
Thinking of you.
Hugs Andie

[WhereAmI?]

It's great to hear your story Andie! I've self medicated with booze and food for as long as I can remember, I move towns when I am scared people are getting to know me and GOD FORBID they ever find out how much of a whack job I am!! I'm lonely BUT I didn't feel like that when I was slim and healthy, everything started falling into place and, stupidly, I moved and it went downhill from there. So I'm going to find myself again and its great to hear from you, I know what you have felt and I have found this diet makes you confront your emotions and learn to deal with them, I can't wait to read more about your success story!

[Andie27]

Lol! You're no more a whack job than I am sweetheart!
I understand the need to run away from issues too. But the feelings ate still there at the end of the day. No matter how fast I tried to outrun them, they caught up with me eventually.
I can honestly say that this program had helped me take back control of what I have control over and that's how I treat my body. I'm done punishing myself. In 5 years on put on over 51 kgs in body armour fat and have just hit the halfway point in my weight loss journey. I feel alive for the first time in a long time. I put it down to clean eating. No booze. No junk food, and gentle exercise. The evidence is overwhelming how significant diet and exercise can positively impact depression and anxiety!
I'm walking, talking evidence! I want my body back and I want myself back. Onwards and upwards babe. Am off to the gym.
Hugs Andie

[WhereAmI?]

Well I'm almost through day 2 and I'm a bit worried, I feel fine, no headaches or hunger?!?! It must hit tomorrow.... I've had some stress today too but already I am calmer than usual, my dog has to stay in emergency overnight and it looks like the food I've fed him is to blame, I feel awful, not to mention the anxiety of having no money to pay for it so I'm hoping to pay off the bill since I spent $1k last weekend taking my poor boy to emergency 😥. Here's hoping he's on the mend tomorrow but one thing I know, I'm a better mummy for him when I'm feeling calmer so I'm determined to stick to the plan!!

[Andie27]

Oh no. That's no good darl. I don't know where I would be without my little dog Sidney. He has been there for me in my darkest of days. I rescued him from a shelter, but in reality he saved me. I hope your baby gets better soon. Don't worry about the money, the universe will provide for you.
You might be lucky and not get any aches and pains. Wouldn't that be great!
Fingers crossed your baby is ok. Hugs Andie

[Tes]

Hi WAI

You are in good company i relate on all counts to your challenges anxiety and depression and panick attacks plus food as a feel good remedy it makes this change even mire difficult but its all about breaking habits and finding newer and healthier behavious to replace those we usually revert to for comfort. think about what you replacements will be and wishing lots and lots of luck!!

[WhereAmI?]

Well I'm struggling today emotionally.... My boy dog has been in hospital overnight and they aren't sure what is wrong, initially this morning I wanted to down a bottle of wine because I was distraught BUT instead I took my girl dog for a walk. This helped and I was calmer when I got home. Now I have another hour to wait before I call and get an update on my boy, no deviations though and, so far, no detox issues which is worrying me!

[Andie27]

Hi Sweetie. I am with you. For some strange reason, I feel hungover - and I haven't been drinking. What up with dat? Can't even think about booze without feeling like crap. Must be something going on with me. You must be so worried about your boy and it's no wonder that you are feeling emotional today. Hang in there babe. I hope he gets better soon. Good on you for staying strong when you could just give in. You should give yourself a little pat on the back! Thinking of you. Let us know if you get any news about your boy.
Hugs Andie

[WhereAmI?]

Day 5, finally slept like a log last night 😄 and my baby Diesel is getting better, I'm not rushing him and we are being super careful with his food (unfortunately Honey, his girl, is stuck on the same diet but she could lose weight like her mum!!!).
I'm already bored sitting around so I'm going to have to find something to do next weekend to keep me entertained!!!
It's not been too stressful, of course the thoughts about food consume me at times, but I'm excited to see the transformation begin, soon hopefully, so my determination remains concrete and I stay on track!!
Luckily I have started a course so I think I'd better start doing my paperwork, it should help time fly until I return to work tomorrow 😄

[Andie27]

Oh thank goodness Diesel-boy is getting better.
You're going so well, hang in there sweetie.
Hugs Andie

[WhereAmI?]

First day back at work and it was great! Feeling energetic and happy, sometimes I slipped into thoughts of 'how long will it take for me to lose weight'!!! But I think I also need to look at my food during a work day because I was hungry........
Happy days ahead, I'm about to make my yummy yummy dinner 😊 hope everyone has had a gorgeous day and keep smiling xo

[WhereAmI?]

Well I'm feeling good today, not hungry, just need to make sure I have my snacks soon so I eat everything today, this is what I was waiting for! I want to be in cruise mode and just let it all happen while time passes by......... Feeling a lot happier and more energetic, I don't have much to do at work so I am focusing on finding my weekend hobbies and getting prepared to keep myself entertained I've found some gorgeous adult drawing pages for me to do some colorful drawings that I can frame, I'm super excited now and keen to get started!!!

[WhereAmI?]

WOW!!!!!!!! One week done and dusted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! So I have a bowls day tomorrow where there is a BBQ so my plan is to arrive AFTER the lunch has been served, easy fixed!!
Otherwise last nioght was the first night where I truggled to eat everything for the day, I've had yogurt today though, I hope I don't feel starved again like the other day but time will tell!!!!!!!
Next week will be my honest loss in cms, my original measurements were taken with baggy clothes on so of course this week I look like I have lost 27cms all over but that wont be true, next week will be the real story!!
I'm not looking at weight on the scales yet, I can't face it, I'm trying to keep my head in a good place, I will start doing kgs lost after my first month .

[Andie27]

Well done sweetheart. Keep up the good work. Hugs Andie

[WhereAmI?]

Wow time has flown in the last couple of days!! Mind you, I've found a new addiction!! I've printed out a heap of adult colouring pages that range in difficulty and I'm loving it!! I have to pull myself up though now, it's thrown my sleep pattern out meaning my eating times are out too and I'm feeling exhausted....... I've been staying up past 3am, time flies and it's hard to stop!!! Tonight I am making myself go to bed after my 2 hours post feed!!!
I had a proud moment, I'm so sick of the guy I'm living with asking me to cook for him because he says he can't cook, I made him lasagne and a sausage curry Sunday and didn't taste test a single thing PLUS!!! Watched him drink all weekend and don't miss it a bit 😍😍😍 I feel like I'm winning, I e got a long way to go but in less than two weeks I've managed to turn my thought patterns around and start focusing on my future being slim and healthy!!!
Happy Monday everyone xo

[Andie27]

Good for you darl. Hugs Andie

[Andie27]

Btw - coloring in (and doodling) is therapy for adults and has multiple benefits, not only does it soothe anxiety and relieve stress but is also an amazing way to get in touch with the right side of our brain and our creativity. It also enhances thought processes and provides a relaxing and creative way to free your mind. Way to go. Enjoy. It's exactly why I paint and am happiest when I have a brush in my hand and a canvas in front of me. Am so happy for you. Upload some pics, I would love to see them.
Hugs Andie