Ladel aka Liddie --- I can do this!

[Ladel]

Well Hello Again

Some of the more frequent members have seen me around here the past few day and since I'm struggling to access my old diary under "Liddie" I reckon I might just as well start a new diary.

My Cohen story started on the 8th of December 2008, just after my first born turned 1. At that point I weighed 127kgs, I managed to stay on it for almost 7 months when I hit the worst plateau ever... 70kgs a whole 10kgs away from the 60kgs my consultant wanted me to reach. I suppose being stuck at 70kgs for quite some time (I think in the region of 3 months) plus my frustration with the 60kgs target (I was quite happy with 70kgs) lead me onto the road of disaster.

I was married to a wonderful man. When we met I was grossly obese. And he treated me like a princess. He was 20 years my senior and I just loved how unimpressed he was my model sister (if you read my previous diary you'll note I have some serious issues in that regard). On the Cohens journey however, things changed. It seemed the more weight I lost the more I lost the sweet loving man that I got to know and married. I looked for the fault in the mirror, as this in my normal inclination - I mean the problem must be me, isnt it? Anyways upon reflection after our relationship ended severely I realized he couldnt cope with the new thinner me. How ironic. Whilst I was at my heaviest I lived in constant fear of loosing him, only to loose him because I was close to being thin. Unreal. Suddenly the roles were reversed. He was highly insecure, insanely jealous and unbelievably controlling. Accussed my of various affairs.. with members of both sexes (hilliarious now but I assure you it wasnt then).

It was truly insane, he locked me up in my own house. How did I not see this person lurking behind the kind eyes I fell in love with. March 2010 I finally managed to leave him. Even my boy (almost 3 then) was emotionally damaged and went back to nappies AFTER being fully potty trained. I finally got him potty trained again at the age of 6 and countless therapy sessions.

A year later I ran into my childhood sweatheart. We were both healing from broken marriages and possibly no surprise that we found comfort in each other. In 2012 we got married. And to my utmost joy I found out that was pregnant. And after a few months my dream came true it was confirmed that I would FINALLY have a daughter.

Sadly though she was stillborn. That really really broke my heart, just typing this still tears me up. At that point I was still weighing 80kgs. Not so bad after a few years off Cohens, (never got to refeeding or maintenance) and being pregnant. However after her death I was really out of it. I wanted to know WHY she died. Never really got a definate answer to that question. A few months down the line after numerous tests it was confirmed that I have premature ovarian failiure which contributed I suppose. My gynae advised me that it would be best to have a sterilization as I would increasingly be at risk of miscarriages. I took some time to think this over and in that time realized I was pregnant again.

I knew this would be the last pregnancy as I simply could not face loosing a 3rd baby. I prayed my child through the pregnancy and in 2012 my second boy was born. I also had a sterilization at the same time. I started breastfeeding him and only stopped last year December. By then and through all this I managed to punish my scale to finally settle on 107.9.

I realize the time is now. I have to get this right. I refuse to accept that I'm meant to be fat. You believe something all your life and its hard to change your mind. I was a fat baby, fat child and now a fat adult. BUT after my first born there was a point (on Cohens) that I weighed 68kgs... even as I teenager I never weighed less than 80kgs.

So my fellow Cohenites, with your help undoubtedly, I as determined as I'll ever be.

I want to loose between 15 and 20kgs by mid April, at which point I will reward myself with a trip to Uganda to go Gorilla trekking, something that's always been a dream of mine.

I will walk 5ks everyday to become more fit and eventually find that girl that I've been looking for all my life.

[Not2Much]

Phew! I got chills all over and tears in my eyes whilst reading this! You have been through sooooo much in the past 5 years - a real roller coaster of emotions (and weight). I'm really happy that you found love again (your childhood sweetheart nogal!), and that you managed to have a healthy bub - it all worked out in the end. Sometimes we really have to kiss some frogs before we get to our prince's and have a fairytale story to tell. No wonder you also want to sort out this one last thing for good!

That was a real pity for you not being able to do refeed when your weight went so low. I know the doctor is very strict with this, but I do think that sometimes there could be special motivation - especially if someone has been at a certain weight for 3 months!

Good luck with your new journey! We'll be here to cheer you on!

[Not2Much]

P.S. I think it is really fitting that you started a brand new diary - you certainly are not a 'newby' to the forum or to Cohens, but you deserve a new beginning after what you have been through!

[Ladel]

Originally Posted by Not2Much

P.S. I think it is really fitting that you started a brand new diary - you certainly are not a 'newby' to the forum or to Cohens, but you deserve a new beginning after what you have been through!

Thank you so much N2M - It's ppl like you that makes this so much easier

[Wild Wendy]

You surely had difficult years since the start of your Cohen's story. May you be blessed this year. All the best for your new journey to a thinner you! I am sure you will have the motivation to follow through. Luckily there are a lot of nice and caring people to motivate when we need it.

[AudreeS]

Originally Posted by Ladel

Well Hello Again

Some of the more frequent members have seen me around here the past few day and since I'm struggling to access my old diary under "Liddie" I reckon I might just as well start a new diary.

My Cohen story started on the 8th of December 2008, just after my first born turned 1. At that point I weighed 127kgs, I managed to stay on it for almost 7 months when I hit the worst plateau ever... 70kgs a whole 10kgs away from the 60kgs my consultant wanted me to reach. I suppose being stuck at 70kgs for quite some time (I think in the region of 3 months) plus my frustration with the 60kgs target (I was quite happy with 70kgs) lead me onto the road of disaster.

I was married to a wonderful man. When we met I was grossly obese. And he treated me like a princess. He was 20 years my senior and I just loved how unimpressed he was my model sister (if you read my previous diary you'll note I have some serious issues in that regard). On the Cohens journey however, things changed. It seemed the more weight I lost the more I lost the sweet loving man that I got to know and married. I looked for the fault in the mirror, as this in my normal inclination - I mean the problem must be me, isnt it? Anyways upon reflection after our relationship ended severely I realized he couldnt cope with the new thinner me. How ironic. Whilst I was at my heaviest I lived in constant fear of loosing him, only to loose him because I was close to being thin. Unreal. Suddenly the roles were reversed. He was highly insecure, insanely jealous and unbelievably controlling. Accussed my of various affairs.. with members of both sexes (hilliarious now but I assure you it wasnt then).

It was truly insane, he locked me up in my own house. How did I not see this person lurking behind the kind eyes I fell in love with. March 2010 I finally managed to leave him. Even my boy (almost 3 then) was emotionally damaged and went back to nappies AFTER being fully potty trained. I finally got him potty trained again at the age of 6 and countless therapy sessions.

A year later I ran into my childhood sweatheart. We were both healing from broken marriages and possibly no surprise that we found comfort in each other. In 2012 we got married. And to my utmost joy I found out that was pregnant. And after a few months my dream came true it was confirmed that I would FINALLY have a daughter.

Sadly though she was stillborn. That really really broke my heart, just typing this still tears me up. At that point I was still weighing 80kgs. Not so bad after a few years off Cohens, (never got to refeeding or maintenance) and being pregnant. However after her death I was really out of it. I wanted to know WHY she died. Never really got a definate answer to that question. A few months down the line after numerous tests it was confirmed that I have premature ovarian failiure which contributed I suppose. My gynae advised me that it would be best to have a sterilization as I would increasingly be at risk of miscarriages. I took some time to think this over and in that time realized I was pregnant again.

I knew this would be the last pregnancy as I simply could not face loosing a 3rd baby. I prayed my child through the pregnancy and in 2012 my second boy was born. I also had a sterilization at the same time. I started breastfeeding him and only stopped last year December. By then and through all this I managed to punish my scale to finally settle on 107.9.

I realize the time is now. I have to get this right. I refuse to accept that I'm meant to be fat. You believe something all your life and its hard to change your mind. I was a fat baby, fat child and now a fat adult. BUT after my first born there was a point (on Cohens) that I weighed 68kgs... even as I teenager I never weighed less than 80kgs.

So my fellow Cohenites, with your help undoubtedly, I as determined as I'll ever be.

I want to loose between 15 and 20kgs by mid April, at which point I will reward myself with a trip to Uganda to go Gorilla trekking, something that's always been a dream of mine.

I will walk 5ks everyday to become more fit and eventually find that girl that I've been looking for all my life.

Thank you for sharing your journey. I am sorry for the pain you have gone through and rejoice that your 2nd pregnancy went well. We all have stories to tell. You can do this and I am sure that with having a loving husband by your side you will succeed! It seems that lots of people are not given the re-feed and pressured to lose more. Can't they at least give a generic re-feed people can do so they don't gain the weight back? I most definitely want to make sure I do the re-feed. Looking forward to supporting one another!

[EEEE]

L,

Wow, and here we think we have problems? I wish you all the happiness, laughter and love with your new hubby and bub!

New diary, new beginnings. It is time to put yourself first.

Lots of love and less kilos!

Keep calm and Cohen on!

[Ladel]

Good morning!


Last night I was in diet heaven!! I was so busy at work I didnt have time to snack on my midmorning fruit, so that meant I had fruit available for dinner and I made Vivo's Curry Garlic Chicken in Mango Sauce. Yummy yummy yummy. And so on day 6 of Cohens I, for the first time, didnt still feel hungry after my meal. I was sooo delighted and ZONED in... Finally!

Then I went for my 5k hike, thoroughly enjoyed the night breeze and fresh air. My bub thought he was in heaven and fell promptly asleep in the pram. THIS is what I missed of Cohens... the zone lol, the "feeling-great" times.


This morning I got up and did some toning exercises then for brekkie stirred in some of my coffee and crackerbread into my yoghurt and YUMMY again. The first two days I lost 1.2kgs per day and since 400grams per day. Lovely to see the scale going down so steadily.

Dont stress I only check the scale daily in the first week or so of the diet, as I find this very motivating during what I believe are the most difficult days of Cohens. Once the losses slows down to hopefully at least 1kg per week I'll start checking weekly or monthly. But I know from experience, at that point in time, just being in the zone gets you through the days and you dont need the scale AS much for motivation.


Been having a few headaches and cramping so I'm patiently waiting for that to pass.


To quote William Arthur Ward: "The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjust the sails"


So I'm optimistically adjusting my sails


Hugs!

Ladel

__________________________________________________ ______
Wild Wendy: Thanks Wendy... I hope you will also find this journey easier with our support, which you have 100% Here's to another DF day

AudreeS: Thank u for the kind words... I'm with you, I was extremely frustrated for their flat refusal to give me refeed. At the end of 3 months I was totally demotivated and I suppose I just gave up, which I know now was incredibly stupid. But this time I WILL get the refeed & maintenance this time come hell or high water. Thanks for visiting my diary

EEEE: Wow from your ticker I see you are going strong! Well done, I cant wait till I reach that kind of losses again : - ) Yep I agree, 2015 will be my year of success in loosing *mwah*

[Collie]

Nice quote Ladel....i like that. Well done on your losses, you're doing awesome

[jessy]

Cool, the Cohen's magic is working !! I am addicted to the scales when on Cohen's and won't go near them when everything falls apart !! Why is this so ...denial.. maybe just too hard to put good food and health first . All the best for tomorrow, you are sounding so up beat and happy way to go

[Ladel]

Hi


First official weekly results in, lost 4.2ks for the 1st week. Very happy with that. So I'm hoping for at least 1 more great week then I'll be a double digit girl again whoo hoo!! (And emotionally start preparing for slower losses)


It still astounds me how different your emotions are determined based on the direction you are moving in. Moving on up I was dreadfully depressed and self loathing once I hit 103kgs on the way up. Yet no, on moving down, I'm on top of the world and I honestly am feeling back in control (and so soon too - who whould've guessed??)


Did my hiking last night, I am really and thoroughly enjoying that. We must be such a sight haha, took the dogs with last night, and bub, and Dad (which is also great as him and I normally dont know what to say to each other when we are together). Dogs kept us busy so we neednt worry about chatting but we managed to spend some time together. Still a new feeling for me, will see how that works out.


I find that I'm ok with a yoghurt in the morning a salad for lunch but when I get to dinner I really need to make an effort with my meal. Lol never was a meal put together with so much planning and love as my Cohen dinners. I find quick grab dinners tend to make me demotivated whereas carefully prepared meals makes me feel like it is OK to enjoy food with the added bonus of it being healthy and not bad for me. Oh I can only fantasize about what refeeding and maintenance will bring to the table


Someone mentioned how obese ppl tend to hide behind gene's (sorry I read so many diaries I cannot remember whom it was) and I admitted I use to be that person. But I also have to say that I do believe it's true, Ive seen with my sister, no matter what or how much she eats she stays as thin as a needle whereas I know if I had to consume the same types and volume of food I would pick up weight at a really scary rate.


But then since 2008 I also know as with any handicap (for lack of a better word) one has to identify your own weaknesses and learn how to not hide behind them or even worse use them as an excuse to be your own worst enemy. Love thy self ALSO. (Ok, I'm preaching to myself too)


Dale Carnegie: "Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition, is not only a waste of energy but the worst habit you could possibly have"


Ohh.... BITE ME


Hugs!

Ladel

__________________________________________________ ______
Collie: Thanks for the kind words dear lady, taking it one day at a time


Jessy: Lol yep I cant remember but I'm sure it took me longer on my first attempt to reach my "happy place" so I'm so so thankful. haha me liking the scales this morning mmmmm

[Collie]

Wow Ladel.....what a result. I know it's the first week, but it's amazing how fast things do drop off on the program.

Keep it up, you're so well on your way!!

I love your quotes too, you'll have to keep them up hey?? No pressure or anything

[jessy]

On your way now for sure. hang on it a roller coaster of a ride was the layers are shed but you will do great

[Ciors]

Beautiful word ladel, so nice to read first thing in the morning!

[Winterboots]

I would be extremely happy - wow 4.2kg that is great.

A few years ago, I took my father for weekly walks when he was in a wheelchair - he used to be so active. He has since died but I still treasure those walks we used to do together, and the things he used to tell me about his childhood etc when we walked the streets he knew so well.

I look back on those times fondly.
WB

[Soon2BSlim]

Fantastic start Liddie! You're well on your way!

Keep up the good work.

Louise

[Ladel]

Well Hello Again!

Had a quiet weekend. Didnt deviate once. I've decided that I'd keep my cheesy meals for the weekend, like a mini spoil. Lol I really need to kick this idea of spoiling myself with food!. Not there yet though... Made the cohen cheesecake last night but *sigh* I hated it. So much for a spoil haha

Interestingly enough my weight didnt move at all the weekend, so I'll be keeping a close eye to see if the cheese slows down the weight loss. Not disheartened though as I know it's cyclic and I KNOW the cm's is probably adjusting to the losses of the prior week.

I can already see my face is loosing some of its roundness. Yep my first signs of weightloss is my face and chest. My hiking pants is also suddenly a bit baggy. So I wasnt even phased with the scale not moving.

My son is back after his holiday with my ex. Nothing chokes you up like seeing your child in emotional turmoil and not being able to do a damn thing about it. My x remarried on 28/12 last year so it was the first holiday as a new family together. My son (7) is refusing to eat... Going to get to the bottom of this tonight he's been through enough.

Next week Friday is my birthday and I'm already trying to think of ways to celebrate WITHOUT it being about food. Any ideas? Really tired of this mindset where celebration = food. It's just not on.

Let me say cheers for now!

William Arthur Ward: Blessed is the person who sees the need, recognizes the responsibility and actively becomes the answer"

I guess you could say my resolve and responsible eating will be the answer to the desperate need of that thin me that is hiding pretty damn well at the moment :/

Hugs!

Ladel

__________________________________________________ ______
Collie: Lol what pressure, luckily I'm a quotesy kinda person so it will only be my pleasure!

Jessy, Louise & Ciors: Thanks ladies!

Winterboots: Love your nic! Thank you for sharing, Dad is joining me every evening and chatting is still limited but who knows, this could just be my year of pleasant surprises

[Ciors]

Buy yourself a lovely gift, flowers, or a day spa treat...if you're into that, something you just wouldn't normally buy, and absolutely divine.

[Mich]

Hi Ladel,

Have just caught up on your diary. What a whirlwind you have been through. As they say, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and you my lovely lady will be like popeye!

Congratulations on your losses so far! I can't wait to see my scales going south!

Love n light x

[Wild Wendy]

Hi Ladel, You can always arrange Bingo night with friends and family. And to spoil yourself what about a nice book or subscription to a magazine?

I also tend to spoil myself with food - let me know how when and how you got around that, but for now I enjoy my favorites..1. pizza on cracker bread and new to the list - 2. mango smoothie. Hope you will have a great week.