Trips Diary

[Trips]

Day 142 ( 14th July 2008 ) : Well tomorrow marks 5 months since I started Cohens. Sounds like a short amount of time to be honest, but when you are (trying) to remain 100% focused on a personal journey of epic (ok maybe that's a slight exaggeration - but not far off it!) proportions 5 months has seemed alot longer.

I've said many times before, that for me it's not the 'diet' itself that is the hard part, it's the struggle within me. It's really not that hard to follow directions. And basically that's what this is. It's a plan of new directions. Follow the plan and you will lose weight. Don't deviate and you will lose weight quickly. Magically simple, regardless of how difficult some of us try to see it. Having said this, I guess I will constantly and continually (for the rest of my life) be fighting the real battle. The battle of my mind and it's relationship to food.

By nature I am a perfectionist, if I set my mind to something I know I can do it, and I dont mean that in an arrogant way, I just mean that when I really, really want to achieve something I will stop at nothing to succeed. Ok I'd stop at some things, but you know what I mean. So in the right frame of mind, I have no doubt I can do this. And more importantly, do it properly.

The problem is, as I see it, that I am also plagued by lots of self-doubt. And the age old dilemma that what I want I want now! The thought of having to work hard for it, while realistic, does not 'fit' well with my live for the moment attitude. It's taken quite an adjustment to begin to finally understand that food is not the gratification/reward my mind needs to be healthy. And it certainly doesnt need the kind of things I used to eat every time I want to have them. The "I want this so I'll have it right now" mentality.

And more importantly, it's the first time in my life that I'm finally starting to understand that this 'new' relationship I'm developing with unprocessed, natural eating is much healthier for my body and mind. I'm starting to see that while motivation and determination and will-power are all contributors to success, the 'real' success for me lies in less rather than more focus on what I"m doing with food. If I remain fixated in the struggle, if I constantly see each day as a battle with the fridge, if I continually weigh myself and center on these activities, I lose sight of the fact that what I'm really doing is just following a healthy lifestyle plan. I'm just taking care of me better.

I find that this plan then becomes alot easier, and I have more energy for other things in my life. To think, I'm even working 2 days a week now! That is liberating, and rewarding and shows me that life doesnt have to be all about food. Food is a necessity. It's not a reward. It's certinaly not the way to develop self esteem and self worth. Why did I think it was my friend for so long? Seriously I could kick myself for wasting so long in and spending so much energy and mindspace in that love affair.

I will be different, I already am. And now I just have to be patient. That's the hard part. But I WILL not slip back into old habits I've carried for nearly all of my lifetime because I am WORTH MORE. And I am starting to see this now.

Much love today,
Trips xxxxxxxxxx

[JennyC]

Hi Trips, I just happen to come across your post today and I can identify with so much of what you said.....I beleive I had some sort of affair with food too.

Having only been on cohens 2 weeks I already cannot go back to my old way of thinking I used to go from meal to meal thinking about what I could have next that would make me feel good. And really it was such a split second of good and then a horrible feeling of why did I do that.

We have almost the same goal and you weigh about as much as me now so I know if you can stick to it for the last 5 months and beyond so can I.

I am scared of the journey to come but excited to learn about the slimmer version of me.

Have a great week

JennyC

[Kohinoor]

Ahh, Trips,

You've done it again - you just say things so well - introspective, incisive, and just so so wise !!!

Five months in now (with the row you've had to hoe recently, it might have seemed like 5 years....) Yet here you are, and those photos aren't lying - you are going great guns, girl.

If others don't get LOTS out of this post, I will be VERY surprised !!

Hugs,

Koh

PS (Mind if I borrow it? )

[Annabelle Joy]

As usual, Trips, great post.

AJ

[Trips]

Day 146 (18th July 2008 ) : Had my 5 months weigh in today, and I'm VERY happy. Lost 7.1kgs this month, which brings my weight loss total to 38.5kgs. I'm really starting to notice a difference now, and I feel great! Next month I should reach the half way mark! I'll update pics soon.

Much love,
Tripsxxxxxxxxx

[Faithy]

That's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BRAVO GORGEOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can't wait to see those pics!!!

HUGS

[shell]

YEA Trips,

7.1kg in a month is a huge loss!!
Well done!
Shell

[hexi2]

Hey Trips

Just saw a post of yours over in Faithy's thread and noticed your ticker...

OMG Nearly Halfway!!

Seems like you just started...you must be feeling like a different person! You are around the same weight as I was 18 months ago...this is so cool and you MUST be so very proud of yourself!

[Annabelle Joy]

That's a great loss for the month, Trips. You've been doing fantastically well.

AJ

[Trips]

Day 162 (3rd August 200 : Wow it's hard to believe I've been missing for 16 days! How time flies when you are having fun!

Things are in the 'zone' still, just sticking to the plan and filling my days with kids and work and all the other things that come along. The first thing I have to tell you all, is that people are FINALLY starting to notice I"m losing weight. And to be honest, it doesnt worry me now whether they do or they don't, but I gotta say that until I reached that point where I could look at a photo and say to myself, I can see a difference, I was seriously starting to wonder if the almost 40kgs I've lost so far was just a figment of my imagination. Now I'm sure it's not, so it's all good.

But I can see that self-perception is still going to be a tricky part of this journey, because when I 'feel' exactly the same inside, my views and thoughts and ideals and beliefs, etc, it's hard to get your head around the fact that people 'see' you differently suddenly. I think it's going to be a tough one for me, because there is a large part of me that keeps thinking, you never spoke to me before, why are you now. Maybe that's not fair in a way, but then I think, well it wasnt fair when I was fat either but I had to cop it.

The funny thing is, that many more people (who I've never spoken too) also approach me now than when I was fat, and I am even dubious about this, because it NEVER happened before. Plus, I'm almost becoming obsessed with talking to FAT people myself, I have this desire to let them know they are worth a conversation, even though I doubt they doubt it to begin with. I'm sure it's just me compensating in some bizarre way.

Anyway work is wonderful. It's impossible to deviate there (not that I would anyway), but it's fantastic hearing people feeling positive about their own journeys, and drawing on mine and learning SO MUCH more about this program and how it works. Slowly I am gaining confidence in me, something I badly needed to do, and it's showing in how I'm responding to people too. I recommend this forum to LOTS of people, and I hope that just a few can draw from it what they need to succeed, the same way I feel I am.

Bruce is still HOME!! AHHHHHH!!!! We are going on 6 week cycles (nearly been 3 months now) and I am hoping he will get back to work soon. His arm is better, but not properly better, and he needs lots of physio for movement and strength. He is starting to become sick of himself too, he was never a great 'sitter' and it's taking it's toll.

Well I think I'll leave it there for today,
Look forward to catching up on everyone's news soon
Much love,
Trips xxxxxxxxxx

[Annabelle Joy]

I was thinking just yesterday that we hadn't had an update from you in a while, Trips. You are sounding really positive right now.

I think that the reason that more people are talking to you is that you have changed. You're more confident and outgoing, and instead of giving off 'go away' vibes you are giving off 'come and talk to me' vibes. However, your comment about talking to fat people caused me to resolve to do the same, particularly if they seem withdrawn and not wanting to talk.

It does take a while for people to comment. In part I think that they didn't really notice what size we were, just that we were big, so we can lose quite a lot and they still register us as big. I've had a number of people who have commented only after I've said something about being on a diet. They had noticed, but not commented.

Are there likely to be any problems with your husband's job? Is he going to be able to get back to doing what he did previously in an acceptable time frame?

AJ

[Kohinoor]

Hi Trips,

AJ has already said some of what I wanted to say in reply:-

I think that the reason that more people are talking to you is that you have changed. You're more confident and outgoing, and instead of giving off 'go away' vibes you are giving off 'come and talk to me' vibes.

I think back to your earlier posts, and your introspection when attending a "kindy party" (? was it ?) and how "left out" you felt, so you tended to stay back... Shell (in your diary) had some GREAT words to say re that:-

I don't think it is your "weight", it will be more of how you project yourself to other people. You said yourself you felt "so self conscious & out of place" That is what message you would have been sending other people- "don't come near me I'm not worthy" type of vibe. As we all do/did. You will notice a huge change in other peoples reaction to you, once you feel more comfortable in yourself
You will be more outgoing and approachable- it is amazing

Read that bold bit again, Trips - Shell is so right eh? And here you are now, a different person, and thinking from a "more comfortable" perspective (because of your new-found confidence) - and yet you're "dubious"?

I'm inclined to think it is you putting your spin on "the way things are" based on "where you WERE" - but you are not there now, Trips !!! You've moved on (have you ever!!) - aren't you already halfway done? Winning the race (and probably starting to REALLY BELIEVE it?) This MUST be having a HUGE effect on the way you project yourself !!!

I like the VW analogy re "perception"!!! And it's this:-
Before you buy a new car, the road is just the road, with various cars on it. THEN, you buy a new car (let's say a VW) - all of a sudden, you start seeing SO MANY VW's that you were just not aware of before !!! Hehe, I'm sure there'll be a "name" for that (Penny will probably know it )

Just like the mirror (which may still seem to "lie to you" - this seems to be common too) maybe your perception of yourself is also "lying to you" - like:-
"I haven't changed - apart from losing 40Kgs..." Trips, like Shell and AJ, I'd be thinking that WOULD change how you are, or feel, about MANY things !!!

Can I just say, don't be too hard on "those others who didn't talk to you before" - as they may have been just as uncomfortable of talking to someone who was projecting "let me be" as you were back then..... But NOW, things have changed!! A wee bit of learning needs to be done - on both sides methinks....

Cut those "others" a bit of slack, darl - and just enjoy the new experience without trying to judge them too much. And, keep on changing - you are doing yourself SO much good

Hugs,

Koh

[Trips]

Day 164 (5th August 200 Woke up at 3am this morning and there doesnt seem to be a chance in hell that I'm going to go back to sleep! Gotta say though, this is the first night in a very long time that I've woken in the night so I'm not really complaining - as long as it doesn't develop into a pattern!!! Might have something to do with the amount of work I have to try and fit into today! My mind is in overdrive, and that tends to make my sleep restless.

I'm pretty much working whenever I can at the moment, this week it's 4 days, next week probably 5 days, which is great in some ways, but hectic nonetheless. With the ACA spot next week, I can only imagine how busy it's going to get too.

Thanks Koh and AJ for your thoughts on my last entry, made alot of sense to me, and definately 'food for thought' so to speak.

Well I think I'll take this opportunity to have a peak at some diaries, it's been weeks since I've caught up on anyone's journey, and apart from the tickers I really have no idea what everyone is up to. It's funny how this place becomes a 'second family' of sorts, and I often wonder how certain people are going.

Anyways have a great day all,
Much love,
Trips xxxxxxxx

[Annabelle Joy]

I often wake at 3 am and stay awake for 2-3 hours, Trips. I listen to talkback radio (with earphones). I hear some amazing things at that hour of the morning. If I stay up late I can avoid waking, so I tend to do that now, and read diaries. In your case, I think you've probably hit the nail on the head. There's lots going on in your mind, and it's had enough sleep. Might as well get some of the work out of the way.

AJ

[Faithy]

But I can see that self-perception is still going to be a tricky part of this journey, because when I 'feel' exactly the same inside, my views and thoughts and ideals and beliefs, etc, it's hard to get your head around the fact that people 'see' you differently suddenly. I think it's going to be a tough one for me, because there is a large part of me that keeps thinking, you never spoke to me before, why are you now. Maybe that's not fair in a way, but then I think, well it wasnt fair when I was fat either but I had to cop it.

The funny thing is, that many more people (who I've never spoken too) also approach me now than when I was fat, and I am even dubious about this, because it NEVER happened before. Plus, I'm almost becoming obsessed with talking to FAT people myself, I have this desire to let them know they are worth a conversation, even though I doubt they doubt it to begin with. I'm sure it's just me compensating in some bizarre way.

Hey Gorgeous..

I'm almost certain I have a very similar post somewhere in my diary.. it sux & it still does..
The fat people, the ones who USE to be my closest friends stopped talking to me.. although now I've put on a little some have started talking to me again, almost with too much excitment.. I hold HUGE resentment towards those poeple, which is so out of character for me.. actually there is a lot of out of character for me stuff going on right now..

I miss you...

I'm so glad your job is going well.. it can be such a wonderful enviroment to be in.. I found when I was working in the clinic it helped me stay motivated.. but towards the end it begun to stress me out.. I guess people just like staring at other people's bodies?? LOL.. anyway Al & I are thrilled for you..

I guess that being busy at work & with your week filling up with work has come at a good time seeing as Hubby is home still.. I think I'd go insane if Al was home every day for 6 weeks & I was too.. or 3 months or whatever

When life settles down a little (IF life settles down) I'll drop you a line.. I'd love to have a chat..

Sleepless nights.. I had a few of those.. although these days they seem to have settled down a lot.. I was really bad leading up to the end of my diet & then once I started maintenance I was awake before the birds every morning.. weirdness..

HUGS.. keep up the awesome work..

[Trips]

Day 168 (August 9th ) I'm not sure why but I am extrememely moody today. Or maybe I should say I'm in an extremely bad mood. I have no reason to be in one, which is another reason in itself that I"m annoyed! I even had an argument with my eldest son, which is rare for me, and when he wouldn't make a decision about what he wanted to eat after his basketball game, I literally stormed out of the court with him crying in tow. Then I turned up the music in the car because he was crying. Then I sent him to his room when we got home. Then when he came out and told me he was sorry, I thought What am I doing???? The poor little thing is 6! Decisions are not easy at 6! I feel terrible. Still moody and angry though. I just wish I could work out what I"m really angry at?? I know it's gotta be related to weight loss, I just cant work out how or why. But I will say that in the last week or two, ALOT more people are making comments to me about the way I look, and while that's wonderful and exciting, it's not all I thought it would be. I feel like I'm being noticed now, and I dont know if I like that. If I was closer to goal maybe I would feel differently, but I'm not even half way there yet. And I keep thinking to myself, I have at least another 6 months of this, dont get ahead of yourself. Maybe I'm angry because the one person who should notice, still hasnt said a word, maybe I'm angry because I let myself get fat, maybe I'm angry because I am never usually angry.. I just dunno. But I can feel a volcano brewing, and I suggest everyone runs a long way away when it errupts...

Much love,
Angry Trips xxxxx

[SOON TO BE]

Hi Tripss
Ypu have done a sensational job so far, it seems the mental stuff is as hard to get our head around as the phyiscal changes.I think all the attentin you are getting may have something to do with the moods,alot of people say we become more approachable as we lose weight, we step forward rather than hide so become noticed. Maybe you are feeling frustrated and cross because all these people are noticing you because of the physical changes that they can see, when really the real you hasnt changes much. You were a great person before,....people just never bothered to see past the physical person to met the person inside.Maybe that is why you are becoming obsessed with overweight people,letting them know you do see the real person inside...dont know if you understand that waffle.I assume the person who hasnt commented is hubby, that would be really hard for you. Mine is a great support so can only guess how it makes you feel. Anyway you have done a sensational job, be proud, stand tall and cut yourself some slack, you are doing well.
Happy days
Tara x

[Faithy]

Hey Trips.. MY MY MY.. well wont I have words with hubby if I ever meet him.. actually Al said he would.. how tall is he?? (LOL.. sorry)..

I'm afraid my dear that what you are going through now is going to be quite normal for you here on in.. in fat I reckon another 10 to 20 kilos & you'll start coping the.. "you've lost enough now".. this is where you have to stay strong.. it sure isn't easy.. but you HAVE to make this all about you, your health & what YOU want to achieve..

We tell ouselves that when we start losing the weight we start to get noticed & we dont like it.. well lets stop & look at this for a moment.. you were noticed before, believe me.. it's just that no one wanted to say anything before cause they were shallow souls.. NOW because you're starting to appear shall we say 'more normal' (sounds so sawful that).. people are no longer afraid or maybe ashamed to talk to you...
It's a sad & sorry world that's for sure. but the reality non the less..

Remind yourself of that OK gorgeous.. I know for me I thought I was hiding myself by being fat but I was so NOT invisible it's not funny.. I was HUGE.. now I can hide LOL.. (dunno what my problem is possibly the same thing).. It's more than likely the attention you dont like.. but this attention is to your face & it's positive & for some reason perhaps you feel you dont deserve it??
You mood may well be refecting that.. anger, rebellion etc etc.. all a normal part of this long process.. hang in there.. you'll see more good days than bad ones..

Love you XXX

[Jeannie]

WOW Trips look at you go, it only seems like yesterday that you joined and look at you.. 38.5 kilos gone gone gone.. Wahoooo I am so proud of you.. Now don't you go erupting now.. You have achieved heaps..

[Annabelle Joy]

Trips, you are doing so well. Congratulations.

It may be that one person (hubby?) is really proud of you and just thinks you know that. Maybe he's just not good at expressing his feelings. After all, he is a man, and many of them can't.

AJ