The Deliberate Saboteur vs The Loving Saboteur!

[Andie27]

I've been thinking about this for a few weeks now and I really need some guidance from forum members about how I might be able to deal with a few conundrums I'm dealing with even after my rant on 'The Special Occasion Trap'. BTW, thanks for letting me do that, I needed it! Anyway, please allow me to elaborate.

Here I am right, cruising along, 'gettin with the program' and going great guns despite some really challenging situations (see my diary). I'm losing weight, am deviation free, loving myself sick and generally kickin butt! Then - BAM! In strolls 'The Loving Saboteur'! But before I get to them, there is someone that needs to be discussed first and that is, the 'Deliberate Saboteur'.

A 'Saboteur' is a person who makes a mess of a situation on purpose; a person who engages in sabotage - you guys are smart, you get it.

So anyway, I have a 'Deliberate Saboteur', yes I have discovered that there are people out there who are deliberately out to sabotage my Cohen's journey, I have no idea why and it's hard to believe, I know - but they are closer than I thought.

For example, one of my friends - whom I thought was a very supportive friend - always brings chocolate and red wine every single time she visits (practically once a week) and despite my numerous attempts to discuss my program with her about what I can and can't have - it's like I'm talking to a brick wall and my words fall on deaf ears! She still comes round with chocolate and wine without fail and thanks to my willpower muscles, she ends up drinking all the wine and eating all the chocolate - but it's killing me! I'm getting better at being strong in social situations (especially after my "Special Occasion Trap' rant), but to be constantly bombarded every week by someone I thought had my back is slowly breaking my heart.

Conundrum #1: How do I deal with the 'Deliberate Saboteur', ending my friendship after so many years is not an option?

This brings me to the 'Loving Saboteur', in my experience, there are more than one and they are an important part of my main support network. They have my back, they encourage me every chance they get and they are the first to celebrate my successes! My concern is the way in which my 'loving saboteur's' prefer to celebrate with me!

Now whilst this is a great thing for my motivation and thumbs up to them all for meaning well, but nine times out of ten, these loving diversionary artists always want to celebrate with food and wine. The subtle difference between these two is that the 'Loving Saboteur' strongly believes and supports the benefits of my program however, they also believe that one deviation won't hurt and that I actually deserve the deviation whereas, the other just plain ignores the whole part of me being on Cohen's and doesn't give a rats proverbial about the 'Golden Rules'.

Anyway, my loving saboteurs actually believe that a 'fall off the wagon' so to speak is an actual reward for my efforts. Despite my attempts to convince the loving saboteurs that even the smallest deviation can set me back a week or even 2 weeks, not to mention the other side effects, they are still suggesting food and wine as a way to celebrate. Even though they still want to celebrate my success and I'm running out of ideas and excuses to not celebrate with a food and wine deviation.

Conundrum #2: How do I have this conversation with my loving saboteurs in a kind way and can I get some suggestions on what other people have found to be family orientated, non-food related, alternative ways to celebrate my success?

Thanks in advance!

[Not2Much]

Hi Andie!

I feel your pain (and love your post!)

The 'deliberate saboteur' - she is either heavier than you and maybe do not want you to leave her behind and get skinny and fabulous; or she is skinnier than you (one of those people who can eat and drink without gaining weight) and simply does not understand or want to except your dilemma. Either way, she's a good friend and you do not want to lose her friendship. Saying that, you will have to find a way to temporarily avoid her weekly calls.

The 'loving saboteur' - we've become so used to 'rewarding' ourselves with a 'treat' every time we do something good, like sticking to our plans, so it's no surprise that our loved ones want to continue this process. Just as we are changing our habits, we have to change their habits too! I've read a bumper sticker saying something about 'we are not dogs, don't reward us with treats' - maybe a bit harsh and hurtful...but also a little true. We have to start rewarding our 'good behaviour' with non-edible treats...like pampering sessions; a simple backrub; scented bubblebath; flowers, etc.

Good luck and keep posting! I love reading your diary posts!

[Andie27]

Hi Not2Much,
Thank you so so much for writing what I have been thinking about my 'deliberate saboteur' g/f, she is heavier than me and doesn't want to acknowledge the healthy changes that I'm making in my life. I love her to bits and I don't want to avoid her but I'll give it a try for a few weeks and see how I go. I don't think she will take my 'avoidance' of her very well and if she complains then I'll have to be brutally honest. It's funny, every time I try to tell her how good I'm going and how much weight I'm losing, she changes the subject, usually back to her!

You are also right, about my My 'loving saboteur', I strongly agree and love the bumper sticker saying - it resonates with me because I'm a dog person!. It is true the we have to start rewarding ourselves without food. I love your examples for non-edible treats and since I posted this thread, my darling hubby bought me flowers and luxurious bath salts! He must have picked up on my ESP (Extra Sexy Personality)!! LOL!
Glad you enjoy reading my diary posts, will ensure I keep posting!
Cheers for the encouragement and support - you've made my day
Chat soon.
Andie

[Tes]

Your friend might also just feel worse about herself when you talk about your journey and if she feels bad about herself you may have to wait for her to ask how its going. Test her dont say anything next time and if she doesnt ask i bet she just doesn't want to because she feels the pressure because you both know that she is in the same boat as you and that she should be doing something about it too - so it may be a self protective mechanism rather than being a bad friend. Re supportive S if its hubby put a reward piggy bank on your dresser tell him when he thinks you deserve it he can add cash to it and at the end you will use it for new sexy underwear😄.

[Soon2BSlim]

An interesting thread Andie!

I was thinking about your dilemma and wondered if it would be possible for you to do the visiting for a while instead of your friends visiting you. That way, you can take along something Cohens appropriate and don't have to reject the wine or chocolate or perhaps you can suggest a coffee shop visit where you can order your black coffee ....... that way you still get to visit with your friends but you get to call the shots about what gets consumed during the visit. If you can break their habit of bringing non Cohen treats by meeting them somewhere other than your home it will not only help you but help them to realise you're serious about this weight loss without being nasty It's taken many of us a while to realise how much we had to change our thinking and habits and we live with the Cohens eating plan every day - it's understandable that our friends will also take a while to change their old habits and if you start showing them other things they can bring (like if you take flowers when you visit them) they will hopefully pick up on that and do the same for you.

Louise

[Andie27]

Originally Posted by Tes

Your friend might also just feel worse about herself when you talk about your journey and if she feels bad about herself you may have to wait for her to ask how its going. Test her dont say anything next time and if she doesnt ask i bet she just doesn't want to because she feels the pressure because you both know that she is in the same boat as you and that she should be doing something about it too - so it may be a self protective mechanism rather than being a bad friend. Re supportive S if its hubby put a reward piggy bank on your dresser tell him when he thinks you deserve it he can add cash to it and at the end you will use it for new sexy underwear😄.

Hi Tes - thank you. I will see how I go. I know that my g/f has self-esteem issues and I really want her to come along this journey with me, maybe even join in. I completely understand the 'protective mechanism' it goes hand in hand with self-esteem issues. Will not mention my journey when I see her tonight - cos guess what - she's coming around despite my 'avoidance'. Bless her heart, she called my hubby and told him to tell me she was coming around! So there goes that tactic! LOL!
I absolutely love your suggestion for the money box to buy new sexy underwear - hubby does too and has already put $5 a jar on my nightstand! Talk about keen! He's so adorable.
Thank you so much for your advice and suggestions.
Andie

[Andie27]

Hi Louise, thank you for your post. I hope I haven't come across as nasty trying to explain my concerns because I love and respect my g/f very much and it is not my intention to hurt her feelings. You're suggestions are wonderful and subtle which suit me to a 'T'. Come to think of it, your ideas seem so obvious to me now, I wonder why I didn't think of them! LOL! I guess this is exactly what the forum is for - so thank you. You're absolutely right too about changing habits, I will take your suggestions under advisement.
Many thanks for taking the time to contribute, any assistance is greatly appreciated.
Andie

[Soon2BSlim]

Hey Andie, you didn't come across as nasty at all and I think we all understand what you are facing with your saboteurs In one way or another, I think most of us have been there, maybe not with close friends but definitely with family or colleagues who nag and pester us to have something to eat that is not on our plan. What is with these people trying to entice us to eat and drink things after we have said no a number of times? Just as well we feel so good when we're on Cohens that it helps our mindset and resolve to continue saying no to the temptations when there is so much pressure to say yes.

If we had a medical issue be it allergy, diabetes or even pregnancy and we said no to these 'foods' then that would be accepted but people don't see our wanting to lose weight as a valid reason for not indulging... so I'm inclined to say things like 'I'm on an elimination diet under doctors orders' or something similar. It's not me they have to convince to eat wrong stuff then but some 'other power' like my doctor (Cohen) who they will never meet

In all fairness, our saboteurs won't 'get it' until they have done Cohens because the understanding is just not there and it was a little bit of this and a little bit of that, that got us to the point of needing Cohens in the first place.

Anyway, I've totally sabotaged your diary now ........ sorry! I do hope your girlfriend sees your incredible weight loss achievements and decides to do Cohens too How great would that be??!!

Louise

[Andie27]

Hi Everyone!
Louise - you hit the nail on the head with 'other power' suggestion and being under strict doctors orders - it is the truth afterall! You haven't sabotaged my post at all! LOL - you're lovely I am hoping my g/f does join up and I believe it's only a matter of time - I remain hopeful and will be there for her every step of the way.
Last night went really well, when my g/f came to visit, I suggested that we go out next week and she is very keen - so I can't thank you enough for your supportive suggestions. I also avoided the topic of my progress altogether and it never came up - so I reckon I'll talk about it if/or when she asks me about it.
In fact, I reckon that's the way to go for me in future - I will only discuss my lifestyle changes if someone asks me
Thanks to all of you for your kind, loving and supportive suggestions - I'm sending you all a virtual hug!
Andie x

[Tes]

So great to hear please keep us posted on this front i think we all experience this so it is a nice thread where we can learn how to manage this challenge with some of our own friends,. Good luck with next outing.