Frustration: friends and other diets

[justakiwig]

hi all

for months i have been watching a friend struggle with her own diet and exercise regime. I have always been the biggest out of all my friends and this girl has always been the next biggest. i was 150.3kg at the beginning of this year having started my cohens journey @ 148.5kgs after trying her way - today i am down 30+ kgs and she is hovering around the same weight as january (roughly 139kg-136kg) and still swears by her exercise and own diet routine.

the frustration for me i guess is that i am living, walking proof that this works (even if i don't always see it) and that going it alone is not something that will work for everyone, particularly us that have a massive amount of weight to lose. I am trying to be a good friend and keep dropping hints but i'm starting to think that it may be the hard word that's going to shift her thinking????? in saying this though how do you sell soemthing to someone that won't listen?

does anyone else feel like taking someone by the arm and screaming COHENS WORKS in their ear lol? think i just needed to vent!!

just

[Collie]

Oh Just......I've prattled on at length about this very thing in my diary.........it is the single biggest and most demotivating thing to have someone just dismiss and totally disregard your own achievements and your whole choice of program......I am so there with you each and every day.

Honestly, I let it for the last 3 years affect me, hold me back, not feel amazed and special at my own achievements, suppressing discussion about it, suppressing telling of my losses........trying not to let people know I was a size 6........feeling guilty that I had actually got there......and maintained well and easily........the list goes on and on and on....

Now for the second time, same thing.....no discussion etc, but this time I have the forum.......and this is where I turned.......dah.....obviously, because I won't shut up!!!!!!!!

I still feel sad, and I would in a heartbeat give anything to inspire one particular person.........but.......cliche on the way.......you can lead a horse to water..........and as much as you try, you simply can't make it drink........

It still taints my journey, and I'll always struggle with it, if it was someone I never saw or didn't particularly care about, then it wouldn't bother me at all, but it's not, its one of the people who mean the most to me on the planet.......and I'm sure she thinks I just want her to do it my way......she couldn't be further from the truth.....

I've come to the conclusion that there is just not a damn thing I can do about it, and I don't want to go down with the sinking ship......there comes a time when self preservation takes over......

This time, and really due to this wonderful place right here, I am really loving my journey (not my slow losses at the mo), I really am moving on, and just getting on with it. I'm not going to let the sadness of it and the frustration hold me back......it's not my life, and therefore it's not my choice.........I can only choose me........and that's exactly what I'm doing this time. I can't live with resentment and frustration, there's enough of that already in my life, in everybody's life, and if there's anything you can do Just, is not to let it take you down with it.........it's hard, very hard, when you see someone so close to you making a different choice to you, when you know just how much they would get out of this program.......not just losing the weight, but what they'd discover about themselves and what they're actually capable of doing and achieving.........

I speak to you only with total empathy, I feel your frustration too........there would have to be loads of us in the same boat........and I guess, you know the other cliche.......there are none so blind as those who choose not to see!!!!!

[Marmaduke]

Hi Just and Collie,

I think you can only inspire someone if they are ready for it. The more you try to force it on another the more resentful and resistant they are likely to feel. I know if anyone had flat out told me I had to do the program I would have been hurt, resistant and offended.

It is no judgement on you that another person chooses not to follow your example. You have inspired lots of people, but they are people who are ready to make a change. And you never know how long it might take, and when you least expect it the person you are hoping will make a positive change in their life might just make a big change because they are ready, or have enough space to do it.

In the meantime, vent away my dears. I love this forum. We can inspire each other (and vent together!)

M

[mcbell]

Have just had another workmate ask me to give them some more information about what I am doing! Snowball effect

[yummymummywannabe]

I agree with Marmaduke, I have someone close to me also who is struggling with their weight and they have been on WW for many years with little major success (however would have to say she has maintained without getting bigger and bigger). She is absolutely stoked with my results and is more then supportive however she has said that she doesn't think she would be able to cope with the strictness of the programme. So I have to respect that that's the space she is in at this particular time, despite me explaining to her that if she could give it a go for a couple of weeks she would find she would start to loose the cravings she currently experiences at times. Therefore find it perhaps easier then what she thinks. Anyhoo, I have left it at that because I am hoping that maybe as she sees my continued success it might just make her want to try, however I do think that (a) you do need to be in the right headspace to ensure being DF, and (b) despite this being an absolute amazing programme and I would recommend it to everyone who asked, I don't think it's the answer for everyone.
Sorry for the long winded post, hope it makes sense.

[CharlieMia]

I absolutely agree with all the above.... unfortunately you can't help people before they are ready to help themselves.. I think the best thing to do is to keep on losing weight and sooner or later they will be inspired by your loss and will mentally be ready for Cohens.

[BellaandMeg]

Part of this dilemma is, that we're now like "reformed smokers" We've seen the light, we've enjoyed the success, and we want to share this with others, which is understandable.

BUT -what we risk in our excitement and willingness to share, is developing what I call "Reformed Smoker Syndrome". We have probably all met one of those obnoxious former smokers who just can't resist raving about how bad smoking is and how wonderful their life is now that they don't smoke, and who self righteously shove the whole thing down the throats of people who are still making the choice to smoke, in the most well meaning way possible.

Mostly they don't mean to be be obnoxious - they are just excited about their new way of living, they know the benefits of not smoking, and they want to share this with others. They mean well, but their excitement and willingness to share is viewed as self righteous judgement by those who continue to smoke, and don't have the same motivation to quit. Basically - the reformed smokers make the smokers feel guilty. They know they should also quit, but deep down they don't want to.

It would be very easy for me to rave on about my weightloss in a similar "reformed smoker" manner. It would be very easy to feel an urge to "share" what I have learned on this programme about healthy eating, and the reasons I now choose not to eat prepackaged food or feed it to my children. But in doing so, the way it is perceived by others who DO eat prepackaged food, or who ARE overweight and not achieving their weightloss goals, is more often than not different to the way I intended it to sound. I would come across as judgemental - "I don't eat that food or give it to my kids" sounds very much to the hearer like "You shouldn't eat that crap, it's bad for you, and I am judging you for it".

This has become a bit long winded - I guess my point is, that if people ask how I lost the weight I will share, but I won't go on about it, and I will do my utmost not to portray the lessons I have learned with to much fervour, because "Reformed Smoker Syndrome" , or "Reformed Fat Person Syndrome", is unpleasant and unappreciated by others.

I think if people want to do it, they will search you out themselves.

I am not suggesting that anyone above is doing this, what I am saying is that while our intentions are good, our words and actions are perceived completely differently by those we are sharing with, and we need to take that into account. Walk the walk and don't talk the talk.

[Collie]

Well said Bella, I completely agree at all levels. I'm much more private this time......ok, one wouldn't think that round here I know, but in my daily living, no I keep my trap shut. People know I'm losing weight, it's obvious now that I'm pretty much 25kg down.........and funny, they aren't really asking anymore, I guess they jut assume it's the same program......which of course it is!!!

[Busybee9]

I'm far more private this time too. I haven't been back yet for my weightloss to be obvious yet, but I haven't even told my mum and sisters about it and I don't really intend to unless they ask. Just don't feel to this time. I know what I'm doing is right for me and that's it really!

[mcbell]

I wholeheartedly agree with all your observations

I usually add the caveat to anyone who asks me about Cohens and tells me how well I have done "I think it is great, I think everyone should do it, but I also understand that it is not for everyone". Then I try to end my raving on about it

I desperately want my biggest bro (probably has over 60kg to lose) to do it, but I have said all I will to him about it. I think the best thing about Cohens (which I had heard about 3 years ago) for me was not only is it a fantastic programme that takes away the opportunity as well as the craving to make bad food choices, was that I was in the right headspace when I started. My final meal may have been fish and chips, but it was not "fish and chips, and chocolate, and potato chips and bread and alcohol and whatever else is in the house that I will not be eating for the next sixth months", which is often the way I had approached "diets" in the past.

[Kohinoor]

Bloody good points made there !!

I think the key is to "sell the sizzle" - and that sizzle exudes as you become "smokin' hot" (you don't even need to say a thing ).

Anyone watching would obviously become interested and raise questions, or just give you a big rap for your achievements.

But I would think it is only those who actively seek you out to ask "I wonder if I could do that too" (along with a million other questions) that would likely be serious about following you.

Anyway, well said re "Reformed Smokers Syndrome". Our words can (without any adverse intention on our parts) be misconstrued without too much effort at all.


Another thought - for you girls who have said you are "Keeping it to yourself this time" - how are you finding it? Is it more beneficial as it is "just for you"? Does it help with your inner thoughts (which can become doubts when you are sharing this stuff with others - specially some "loud, vaxatious others" ).

Is secret squirrel working better? Is your IFC's voice a lot more faint this time?

Just interested,

Koh

[Collie]

Yes Koh, that is an interesting question.......

This time, it's much better with my trap shut.........I got a little tired (didn't weaken my resolve) of the constant criticism and judgement of this program.......it happened anywhere......family members houses, the footy field on Friday night training for my boy, in the staff room at lunch time......blah blah blah. It was relentless, and wearisome.......and I was determined to NOT go through that again.

I haven't thought about it til now, but actually, yes, I think the IFC is quieter.......and here i was thinking I was dealing with her oh so well.....don't get me wrong, I do think I am, but she is purely internal........the external sources and appearance she also makes are very powerful, more than I ever gave credence to......